w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by That Gunk Baseball Players Wipe Under their Eyes to block the Sun. Totally stupid—or just straight studly?

— President Clinton and Chinese President Jiang Zemin, meeting to patch up ties, agreed to reopen talks on China's entry to the World Trade Organization. A senior White House aide said relations between the two nations were now ``back on track.''

In related news, Clinton was seen exiting the meeting with a broad smile, and a wad of Chinese paper currency stuffed in his g-string.

— Russia's FSB security service said it had detained two suspects following a blast in a Moscow apartment block that killed more than 90 people.

An immediate apology was issued by Jeremy the Bloated Jew who said he had no idea that when he ordered the supersized Bolshevik burger that it would lead to such a Chernobyl-like eruption in his ass.

— Lawyers from the U.S. Justice Department knew just months after the 1993 Waco siege that military gas grenades were fired at the Branch Davidian sect compound.

The Feds replied smartly, QUOTE: "What’s the big deal? It’s not like this is the first time the U.S. Government has murdered its own citizens. Kent State. Civil Rights Protesters. Jerry Garcia. That annoying guy from the Taebo infomercials. Oh wait, we didn’t get him yet, did we?"

— President Clinton announced grants of $106 million for 54 U.S. school districts to help them reduce youth violence. Clinton explained,

"We know the vast majority of our schools are safe, but we can't forget that even one incident of school violence is one too many."

In response to his comment, that moronic, meddling menace of the mock media, HogWild, shouted QUOTE: "Now how about we grant YOU some units to reduce your sexual promiscuity. Because one, big, fat, bloated intern is one too many!"

— America Online said Netscape co-founder Marc Andreessen's short-lived stint as chief technology officer is over. Andreessen is the poster boy for the young nerd turned sudden Internet millionaire phenomenon.

The nets’ Nefariously Nappy-Headed HogWild hopes to become the next in this class of Nerd-to-Riches. Though HogWild concedes he has never been smart enough to be classified as a nerd. Hog has however, has always found it easy be labeled Dork--- or Dweeb, or Doofus, or Dingleberry, or Dung-Diver, or Captain Doody. Only time will tell if the Hogster will become the Net’s first case of Dung-Diver to Rich Man. Said HogWild, QUOTE: "I will never forget my roots. No matter how wealthy I may become. I know I’ll always be a Dingleberry Sailor, or a Pimple-Popping Preacher, or a plain Feces-Face. Thanks Dad. I can always count on you to put me in my place."

— Senator Trent Lott charged that President Clinton has threatened to veto the $792 billion Republican-sponsored tax cut bill because he would rather use the money to increase foreign aid than provide tax relief for Americans.

Clinton answered the criticism, QUOTE: "The American people already relieve themselves way too much. Plus they’re building a big statue of me in Beijing. I might even get a street. You know the only reason Hilary would run for NY Senator is so I can live closer to my buddies in Manhattan’s Chinatown. Pass the duck sauce, I’ve got some porky ribs to grease up in here. Ha Ha. I love being me."

— Conoco Inc., the sixth largest U.S. oil company, will send a delegation to visit Iraq to discuss business opportunities.

An outraged President Clinton responded QUOTE: "This is an outrage. Iraq is NOT a part of our hippie global village. They are mean, bong-breaking, conservatives !"

When reminded that he himself has worked to strengthen business-ties with Communist China despite its horrendous civil rights record, Clinton replied, QUOTE "Ah Neihoma, Beijing, Hung Kung-in-Lingis Oowey Loogey onme toogee!"

He then ripped of his white face to reveal a maniac countenance that was half-tongue-darting-lizard, and half Chinese.

— An investor group led by local Internet businessman Henry Nicholas III is close to buying the Anaheim Angels baseball and Mighty Ducks hockey teams from the Walt Disney Co.

The Internet Tychoon Nicholas plans to shed the team’s squeaky clean Disney image and begin by adapting the teams’ web sites to only admit those 18 and up.

Said Nicholas in a press conference, QUOTE: "From now on you’ll need a membership password to access the team websites. Sure they’ll be free teaser pictures and video, but if you want the good stuff, you gotta join. We’re talking bims in baseball stirrups, women making love to hockey sticks, and a brand new way to throw an illegal spitball!"

Amid outraged Morality groups, Nicholas continued QUOTE: "And the team names gotta go too. Forget Mighty Ducks, we’re talking Mighty F----. And the Angels will have only girls tending to the foul balls. And they’ll be wearing a halo--- and that’s it."

The Internet Tychoon has already drawn fire from angry fans who realize that once the Internet is introduced to baseball, they’ll have to wait an hour to see the pictures on the scoreboard while they download over the slow phone connection.

— Germany's biggest bank, Deutsche Bank said it had notified public prosecutors about suspicious financial transfers that could be linked to an alleged Russian money laundering scheme.

Russia’s top Drinker, Boris Yeltsin, played innocent. "What laundered money?", he asked. "Oh yeah, I must have left a trillion rubles in my other pants. Oopsie."

The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.