The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
The only suspense I felt during the Blair Witch Project was: When the Hell is this Gonna END?!  And, Did I drop a Goober, or did my Eyeball just fall out of my Bored and Decaying Head?I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!

HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC, CHECK OUT THE TOP 100 SELLING CDs!

A bim can never have enough shoes.  That's what keeps our economy rolling.  Do your part to help the free market system flourish.   Click the shoes for the latest fashions by J-Crew!

09/26/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by The Society to Protect Mules, and the South American men who love them.

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A Hungarian husband and wife in the western city of Szekesfehervar have decided literally to trade places and each is now undergoing a sex change operation at the local hospital.

Said a family member close to couple QUOTE: "We were never quite sure WHO was wearing the pants in that relationship." Said another family member, QUOTE: "I think that’s so sweet. They’re trading places to see what it has been like to have been the other spouse for all these years. This is like that ‘I Love Lucy’ episode where the men stay home and do housework, and the girls go to work. Except I don’t recall Ricky Ricardo lopping off his Cuban Cigar and prancing around the house in yellow sundress."

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- A man pleaded guilty to trying to sell a fake moon rock that he claimed was obtained during the Apollo 12 moon mission.

An embarrassed George W. Bush turned in the swindler, when upon attempting to snort the rock, he did not feel the promised "out of this world" experience.

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An English soccer team has become the first to launch an official team condom.

Club officials explained that when the players are double-teaming groupies in the locker room, it’s important for them to practice safe sex. Said the team’s leading scorer, QUOTE: "when we’re shooting for the net, we want to be screaming ‘Gooooal’, not ‘Dooooouche’. And the bims like it too. They like that their soccer-boys have an official condom. They want to know that when they head our balls, they’re protected."

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  German customs officers said they had seized 1,300 bird spiders from a woman who tried to smuggle them into the country. The protected species is prohibited and the smuggler could face up to three years in jail. The shipment of spiders has a market value of $475,000.

In her defense, the woman said QUOTE, "uh, I like NEED those spiders. They weren’t to sell. I’ve got like, a lot of bugs and stuff. Whaddya mean you don’t believe that story? Okay well, I also teach kindergarten and it was time to go over the old nursery rhyme Little Miss Muffett, and I needed 1300 spiders to crawl down while she was eating her curds and whey. Um, see, I’ve got some whey right here. Oh, where did I put that whey! The airline must’ve lost it. They always lose my whey, and my curds, forget about it!"

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An 18-month-old girl was being treated for only minor injuries after falling more than 200 feet from a bridge over a river canyon onto a rock ledge.

Authorities were trying to determine if the girl slipped from her mother's grasp or was dropped over the edge of the narrow suspension bridge.

The mother denied allegations that she was attempting a post-birth abortion. She did however recall tying a cape around her baby, chanting the phrase "out evil spirits, out evil witchcraft" and then tossing the kid. The mother proudly stated that since her baby lived, she must not be a witch. But now they must test her to see if she is of an alien race determined to take over humanity by spreading glaucoma.

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  Prostitutes, pimps, lap-dancers, madams and their clients were evacuated from the Reeperbahn sex district in north Germany after a World War II bomb was discovered nearby.

Said the mother of the sex den, QUOTE: "ah yes, this bomb brings back so many memories. I was working the cabaret as a cigarette-girl. And Nazi soldiers would come to me so I could diffuse their WarHeads. Ooh I hope that bomb is still active, I hear it’s better than a washing machine!"

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British pop group Genesis will allow fans to download and save one track from their new greatest hits album for free on the Internet.

Record Industry pundits are skeptical however, since most of the fans of Genesis are still using 8-tracks.

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Actor Leonardo DiCaprio has settled a $10 million lawsuit accusing him of conspiring to thwart the release of a low-budget film he made before achieving stardom in ''Titanic.''

The short film entitled "Don’s Plum" was embarrassing to Leonardo since he starred as the boy getting BUSY with Don’s Plum.

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A court has ruled that a local recreation group must provide a 12-year-old deaf boy with a sign language interpreter so he can play hockey.

However once the interpreter was in place and the boy could understand what the other kids were saying about him, he began to cry, decided to quit, and went home to ask his mom why the other players were likening her body to a slutty, hairy buffalo aboard Noah’s ark.

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  An accused prostitute called as a witness at a hearing for Jody ``Babydol'' Gibson -- the alleged head of a pricey Los Angeles-area call girl ring -- was excused by a judge after refusing to testify.

The hooker, about as bright as a BFN’s (big fat nasty’s) buttcrack, did not want to incriminate herself, so she meant to take the 5th. But instead she insisted on taking the 6th. And then the 9th. And finally she broke down and said she would take whatever she could get so long as they didn’t slap her around too bad.

After this display of stupidity, the judge excused her from the stand, but not before the prostitute offered to go to his chambers and "bang his gavel."

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In a major development coup for NBC, former ``Seinfeld'' sidekick Michael Richards will reunite with a trio of former ``Seinfeld'' staffers to create a sitcom targeted for the network's midseason schedule.

The show will not be a spinoff of NBC's legendary Thursday powerhouse, nor will Richards reprise his role of wacky neighbor Cosmo Kramer.

Network executives hope Richards can beat the critic’s predictions and elevate his career instead. Though most experts predict he is about 6 months away from starring in Ernest movies.

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The global music industry suffered a downbeat first half as declining sales in Europe and Latin America continued to offset U.S. growth.

Record Labels were SURPRISED at the poor sales in Latin America, especially because of the recent success of such Latin Artists as Gloria Estefan and Ricky Martin. Perhaps the lack of enthusiasm is because Latin Americans see these singers about as authentic as Chi-Chi’s is a Mexican Restaurant.

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The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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