The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
The only suspense I felt during the Blair Witch Project was: When the Hell is this Gonna END?!  And, Did I drop a Goober, or did my Eyeball just fall out of my Bored and Decaying Head?I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!Help Hog buy new pants, shop at the Bodega.

HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC, CHECK OUT THE TOP 100 SELLING CDs!

Buy the New Adam Sandler CD!Sandler introduces 34 new names for his Penis!  Groundbreaking!

A bim can never have enough shoes.  That's what keeps our economy rolling.  Do your part to help the free market system flourish.   Click the shoes for the latest fashions by J-Crew!

10/01/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

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w/ Theodore

Hog-Wild News Network International is brought to you by Those Dutch Dudes who tried to Sell 500 pounds of Hash on eBay. Hey, it ain’t a crime in OUR country. Too bad after we sold it we blew all our profits on 500 pounds of potato chips.

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Belgian-born action film star Jean-Claude Van Damme was arrested on suspicion of drunken driving after his car was seen weaving erratically.

Van Damme denies any wrong-doing, claiming that it was his STUNT-DOUBLE who was DUI. Police witnesses however, were NOT convinced by this weak argument, since, like the rest of us, they’ve seen all his moves a million times before.

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Electric power industry experts told Congress the lights will stay on when the new year starts, but even with repeated assurances, a lawmaker warned that localized outages may occur as a result of the millennium computer bug known as Y2K.

In related news, HogWild’s hungry and homeless Graphic ret-Artist, Dr. Salami, is not Y2K compliant. The urban nomad still listens to music on records. He has no refrigeration, he salts his meats. He has a digital sundial. He uses actual sheep skin as a condom— and sometimes a banana peel.

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Sega said sales of its new Dreamcast video gaming console have topped 500,000 units in just two weeks of sales.

In related news, the Japanese DENIED attempting to revenge their loss to the U.S. in WWII by brain-washing America’s children with electronic games of mind-numbing violence and stupidity.

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A fan came on to the field and attacked Houston Astros right fielder Bill Spiers in the sixth inning of a game against the Milwaukee Brewers.

HogWild News Network International has the exclusive on what the deranged fan said just before he struck the player. The angry spectatory yelled QUOTE: "I just ran out on the field in front of 40,000 people to get close enough to you so you could hear this: Boo. Booooo. Boo. You suck. You really suck. My grandmother can hit better than you and I’ve got the scars to prove it!"

The fan then grabbed the the outfielder, placed him in a headlock and began administering power-noogies while chanting phrases from the WCW.

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No more grabbing a player's jersey as he tries to come around a screen. No more hip-bumping, forearm-checking or excessive banging.

These rules now apply at NYC nite clubs as well as in the NBA.

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A new report alleges that Cassie Bernall, the teenager hailed as a martyr in the Columbine High School massacre for professing her belief in God before she was shot dead, may never have had such an exchange with her killer.

HogWild News Network International went to Columbine for the REAL story. We learned that her supposedly last words were actually, QUOTE: "Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Holy Emperor. Mother of Moses. Buddha Tao Ghandi. Winnie the Pooh—he’s got a gun. Help help, Zeus, Jupiter, Hercules, Xena, ANYBODY, please help.

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Taiwanese aid officials turned their attention to the plight of 80,000 homeless in tent cities as hopes faded of finding more survivors of a massive earthquake.

As with any mass destruction in Asia, the usual suspects were brought in for questioning. But both Godzilla and the Giant Dragonfly denied any wrong-doing.

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For the second time this season, baseball has called an umpire out.

American League president Gene Budig suspended John Shulock for three games and fined him an undisclosed amount for "overly aggressive behavior, display of temper, inappropriate remarks and physical contact'' with Tampa Bay’s catcher.

In short, he was acting like a hysterical woman. In addition to the fine and suspension, he must complete a physical to ensure that he still has grapes.

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According to a new report, the latest generation of birth control pills, which were introduced in the 1980s and early 1990s, may raise a woman's risk of blood clots even more than earlier oral contraceptives.

Makers of the pill cite that the REGULAR pill is only 99% effective. But the NEW pill with blood clotting is 100% effective, since no man’s jammee can penetrate a woman when her Man Hole is covered by a lid made of a giant, hardened scab.

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Scientists report that introducing milk other than breast milk to infants younger than 4 months old increases the risk of asthma.

In related news, the hairy-headed, Hebrew Homeboy who hollers at hoochies who heat hamburgers, HogWild, has been seen running the halls of hospitals with an asthma-breath-thingee screaming, "Quick, I need hooter-milk! Somebody lend me a milky boobie."

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U.S. researchers report that eating disorders in adolescent girls appear to be linked to aggressive conduct, a greater risk of drug use and a higher rate of attempted suicide.

In related news, they also tend to star in Emmy-award-winning Fox comedies about small law firms.

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The trim, toned and bikini-clad California girls made famous by the Beach Boys and David Lee Roth may be a thing of the past, according to new study results showing that most California residents are choosing fast-food over more nutritious choices -- and are paying for it with soaring rates of obesity.

This presents a SERIOUS danger for Californians because they risk a NEW San Adreas Fault forming in the shape of a rotund resident’s buttcrack.

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President Clinton underwent an extensive physical examination -- the fifth of his presidency.

The results found a large growth on the President’s goin. It was Hilary. Apparently ever since that incident with a chipmunk-faced ho, she’s had him by the grapes.

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The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Need a bride?  Step 1: Set up beautiful flowers in a garden while wearing pants that have a stupid stripe down the leg.  Step 2:  Wait.  Step 3: Choose from the scores of bims who flock to you with their eyes glazed, mouthing the words, "He's the One.  Flowers.  Fancy Pants.  Me want Hubby."  Bims like Flowers, visit Flower Farm Cruise over to JCrew to adjust your wardrobe.  I'd recommend any of the clothes in this picture--- except that blue dishrag on that girl's head. Clic Pic!

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