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10/02/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Cupcakes. Cake, in a cup. Your most convenient way to collect calories.
According to a new International survey, the average age that men lose their virginity is 15, and for women, 16.
In related news, the smelly man who once got a no-go-from-a-pro-ho----HogWild, was upset with the report claiming QUOTE: "those horny people in China and India are bringing the average age down. Those people start doing-it when they’re born and don’t stop until a few months after they’re dead. But if you look at the Worldwide MEDIAN, I’m sure you’ll see that MOST people don’t have sex until after age 37. Mrs. Potato-Head can we PLEASE consummate our marriage now? I don’t want to wait until I’m 37."
The survey also found that young people have sex about 98 times a year.
In related news, THIS phrase has been muttered 98 times a year by young people in love, "No, trust me. I ONLY want to be with YOU! Don’t listen to your friends. I’m not after Rachel, not matter how huge her humdingers are. I ONLY want to be with you—tonight. Now let’s hurry before the start of the second half.
— Air France and America's Delta Air Lines are courting Austrian Airlines to join their newly founded alliance.
Air France initiated the alliance citing that Austrian Airlines would eventually take them over anyway, so keeping in line with their nation’s World War II strategy, if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.
— Football Hall of Famer Jim Brown faces a maximum sentence of six months in county jail after a jury convicted him of vandalizing his wife's car, but acquitted him of threatening to kill her.
The former Browns runningback WAS scheduled to murder his wife and then run from the police, but the Movie Studio decided to DELAY plans for "The O.J. Simpson Story, Part 2", starring Jim Brown.
— Rescuers pulled more bodies from collapsed houses in Athens taking the death toll from the earthquake to 104. The Greek Prime Minister promised help for the 50,000 made homeless by the Earthquake.
He also promised to bring the gods responsible to swift justice. Zeus, Poseidon, and Hercules, have all been issued a subpoena for arrest.
— In a court filing, the U.S. government called the video testimony by Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates at the software company's antitrust trial "simply not credible."
Gates simply responded that he still has bugs in version 1.0 of his Testimony. He did, however, promise to deliver a more credible, easy-to-use, and less-likely-to-crash Testimony by 2000. Currently, BunchaB.S. (as it is code-named) is still in its beta-testing phase.
— Veteran comic actor and director Jerry Lewis said he liked being "funny and silly" and he thought there should be more fun in the world.
The Nipple-gnawing, nerdy-nincompoop Neophyte comic HogWild whole-heartedly agreed in a statement given to the police shortly after being arrested for hiding behind tombstones and shouting "boo!" at weeping mourners.
— Actor Martin Lawrence has been released from the hospital after he collapsed from heat stroke while jogging and slipped into a coma.
Martin DENIED allegations that this was a stunt intended to garner publicity for another one of his lame-o movies. He also denied that his agent threatened to recast the movie with Chris Tucker if he failed to make headlines by being hospitalized. Martin then ALSO denied inviting Eddie Murphy, Chris Tucker, Chris Rock, Will Smith, and Urkle to his boobie-trapped house while he was away on vacation.
— A vessel carrying a Jacques Cousteau film crew has been ordered off the St. Lawrence River following allegations it harassed and injured whales.
The flim crew strongly stated that they did NOT injure any whales. Said the ship’s captain QUOTE; "We’re with Jacques Cousteau—we LOVE the whales. We’d never HURT the whales! We cried while watching Flubber, we protect lost Great Whites, we’re trying to bring Rosie O’Donnell back to her natural habitat. We LOVE the whales!"
But witnesses report that they in fact heard the film director of the new Jacques Cousteau Special shouting QUOTE: "Get the Whale! Whales are Ratings! Stab her in the back, blame it on the wild and vicious Manatee. Throw in the Sting Ray! Make ‘em fight! Ratings people, ratings! Okay, throw in the bloody steaks! The people want to see FLESH-eating MONSTERS, not peaceful plankton- slurping morons! Poke her in the eye with a stick! Ratings people Ratings!
— An elderly woman fishing on the banks of Jamaica's longest river was killed when a crocodile pulled her into the water.
In related news, a strange man in dreadlocks who witnessed the event, began strumming his guitar singing, "No crocodile, no cry."
— San Francisco's Commission of Animal Control and Welfare has voted to recommend changing city laws to include the term "pet guardian" when referring to animal-people relationships.
San Francisco: Gays, Lesbians, Animal-People relationships--- THIS is the modern-day Sodom.
— A professional wrestler dubbed "Dr. Death" has been indicted as a deadbeat dad for failing to pay $64,000 in child support.
The WWF wrestler says the child is not even HIS. Dr. Death maintained QUOTE: "The whole thing was choreographed. Sure I put the MOVES on her. But SHE’s the one that administered the Leg-Lock. Honestly, I was just looking for a little HEAD-lock. So if that money-hungry ho wants her bacon bits, she can come into the SQAURED-CIRCLE to come get it! Cuz ain’t nobody pull one over on Dr. Death!
That in fact, was what CAUSED the problem.
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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