The more things change, the more they stay the same-except for my high school buddy Turk, he underwent a major surgerical operation and changed his name to Yolanda.
The only suspense I felt during the Blair Witch Project was: When the Hell is this Gonna END?!  And, Did I drop a Goober, or did my Eyeball just fall out of my Bored and Decaying Head?I eat MC's and leave their bones in a pile/And I got more kids on my jock than a Pedophile... WORD!Help Hog buy new pants, shop at the Bodega.

HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.Check out the Top 100 selling CD's!  Note: Any purchase of Yanni or John Tesh will forfeit your right to ever again enter this website.

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC, CHECK OUT THE TOP 100 SELLING CDs!

Buy the New Adam Sandler CD!Sandler introduces 34 new names for his Penis!  Groundbreaking!

A bim can never have enough shoes.  That's what keeps our economy rolling.  Do your part to help the free market system flourish.   Click the shoes for the latest fashions by J-Crew!

10/04/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Those Pink Message Slips that Say "While you were Out". Now with more convenient Check Boxes. Why use the technology of the 90s like email or actually TALK to somebody when you have those Pink slips that "say while you were out."

A man and a woman were in hot water with police after they allegedly stole a truck full of lobster and shrimp worth $1 million units.

The couple claimed innocence, saying that they were simply taking advantage of Sizzler’s all-you-can-eat Seafood dinner.

Police say they caught them red-handed, since their fingers were all pruney from peeling 8,096 raw shrimp.

An abbot whose body has not decomposed since his death 11 years ago is now revered as a saint by monks at a small Orthodox monastery in Cyprus who are refusing to bury him.

HogWild News went to Cyprus for an UNDERCOVER INVESTIGATION. HogWild News discovered the so-called Saint—was actually an aluminum can of Diet Tab from 1988.

The Palestinian Authority demanded that labels be removed from an Israeli millennium wine it said were offensive for carrying a picture of Arab East Jerusalem.

Observant Muslims objected on religious grounds as the Dome of the Rock mosque is pictured on the label. The Muslims do not want their sacred place associated with alcohol.

In related news, Christians were ALSO upset by an Israeli beer-maker whose bottles were labeled with a picture of Jesus on the cross holding a 40 ounce of Malt Liquor Manishevitz.

  An Albanian police chief lauded for hunting down many of the Balkan country's most wanted criminals has been ordered back to school for failing a Police Academy examination.

Apparently he never learned to make siren or guitar sounds with his mouth, kick in doors and then fall backwards, or talk all crazy like Bobcat Goldwaith.

A computer hacker has threatened to break into the computers of a Belgian electricity generator and halt the power supply to the entire country.

Even worse, he also threatened to break into the MALL and hack into the arcade and erase all the High Scores on the video games.

A court in Egypt ordered the interior ministry to pay $1,700 to compensate two members of the outlawed Muslim Brotherhood who were tortured more than 40 years ago. The court ruled that the two men had been tortured while in jail from 1954 to 1956.

In related news, in America, you can get compensated 1,000 times more money than for being TORTURED in Egypt for TWO YEARS, just by spilling hot coffee on your lap at the drive-thru.

Thieves stole two glitzy Ferraris from a convention of sports car enthusiasts but had to ditch one of them when it broke down.

How embarrassing! Your Ferraris is stolen and later it is found broken-down on the side of the road. That owner of the Ferraris was riducluled by his fellow conventioneers, QUOTE: "Ha ha. I have a Porshe, at least if it’s stolen, I know the thieves won’t have to hitch-hike." And QUOTE: "Your Ferrari is a piece of junk. Looks like somebody should get a quality AMERICAN car. HA HA HA HA. Oooh that was a good one. Ha ha. Ha. Ha."

John Lennon said it was inspired by an acid trip, critics hailed it as a masterpiece and fans were often left scratching their heads. "I Am the Walrus" was nothing if not enigmatic.

One page of Lennon's handwritten lyrics for the whimsical work is to be auctioned at Christie's in London and is expected to fetch more than $115,000.

There is some controversy however, as the man whose common trait with John Lennon is that some people want to kill him, HogWild claims "I am the Walrus" was a song about Jeremy the Bloated Jew. Says the Hog, QUOTE: "It all makes sense, the tusks, the blubbery gutski, the line ‘sitting on a corn flake, waiting for the pizza man to come’—it’s gotta be about Jeremy!"

In related news, HogWild makes Ringo Starr look like a genius.

As nervous as a butterfly and as jittery as a bee, the daughter of former heavyweight champion Muhammad Ali announced her professional boxing debut.

Ali denied she is like most female boxers—simply hoping to get a free abortion when punched in the stomach by her opponent. Laila Ali proclaimed QUOTE: "I’m doing this because I want to end up like my dad. I think it’d be cool to get slammed in the head so many times that I need written directions to remember how to breathe.

Ali ALSO denied taking up boxing because she was too ugly to do anything else.

Spike Lee and his wife are developing a drama series for ABC about young lions in the hip-hop/urban music world.

Spike says he will continue to use his talents to erase myths about misconceptions about African-Americans—this time by exploiting music that is founded in perpetuating negative stereotypes of black people. Spike Lee said QUOTE: "By uh, uh bringing this muisc that talks about drugs, and uh, uh drugs, and violence, and uh, uh violent bitches who sell drugs, uh I feel I can help my community while making a lot of money to make up for all the people who didn’t see my movie Malcom X.

  A top Swedish bureaucrat received a media roasting because of a friend's practical joke that went horribly wrong.

Said the prankster, "that’s the last time I put grape jelly in HER underpants."

The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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