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10/06/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by 1970’s R&B music. You gave birth to so many other types of music—not to mention you also made HogWild’s mom give birth.
— The house in Amsterdam which hid Jewish teen-ager Anne Frank during World War Two officially unveiled its new look after 10 years of renovation.
Anne wrote her world-famous diary while she, her family and four other Jews lived hidden from the Nazi occupiers in the cramped back rooms of the narrow house until their betrayal and arrest in August 1944.
In related news, the Renovators DENIED being neo-Nazi interior decorators who used lampshades made from Anne Frank’s family.
— The United States and Russia have found potential Year 2000 glitches in all but one of seven Cold War-era "hot lines" and are rushing to correct them.
Russian officials are worried that if the hotlines are not operational, Boris Yeltsin will not be able to order his usual EMERGENCY VODKA when Y2K strikes.
— A furor has erupted over allegations that fans have desecrated the graves of two members of the Allman Brothers. Fans have chipped off letters and stolen statues from the graves, behaved in a rowdy manner and dug a tunnel in an attempt to steal one of the bodies.
HogWild News has found scribbled lyrics written by one the men who attempted to steal the bodies of the late rockers. The lyrics were apparently set to the tune of the Allman Brothers hit song, "Ramblin’ Man"
QUOTE:
Lord, you know I’m a big big fan
Of those rock guys the brothers Allman
And when I steal their decomposing bodies, I hope you’ll understand
That i’m a a big big big big fan
Well my father was a mortician down in georgia
He wound up on the wrong side of the cadaver
And when I saw daddy kiss that cold dead lady’s bladder
I knew I had to get my favorite band and have my way with their skulls
Lord, you know I’m a big big big big big fan
Of those sweet Brothers Allman
So I robbed their grave
And put them out to tan
Lord you know I’m a big big sick, deranged redneck southern rock fan
— New York City Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and the Brooklyn Museum of Art were still at odds over an exhibit that includes a dung-stained portrait of the Virgin Mary that Giuliani and other Roman Catholics find offensive.
The artist defended his doody-stained painting QUOTE: "The Statue of Liberty is a work of art, and look how much bird crap is on HER!"
Though this is technically true, Lady Liberty is French. She considers smelly bird droppings to be a PERFUME.
— Reckless drivers in Iran will now have to contend with uniformed child traffic monitors posted outside schools.
The traffic monitors, aged between six and 12, can record the number plates of drivers who disobey their orders to stop at school crossings.
In related news, Iran likes to keep their children busy. When they’re not walking battlefields testing for landmines, they’re standing as targets in the way of reckless drivers.
— When Austrian far-right leader Joerg Haider held his first post-election news conference, he appeared in front of a blown-up photograph of his final campaign rally in Vienna.
What most journalists failed to notice, however, was that a poster carried by noisy leftist hecklers had been altered in the photograph to express support for Haider.
The original said ``1938 reasons against Haider,'' a reference to Adolf Hitler's annexation of Austria in that year. The ALTERED poster said "1988 reasons supporting Haider."
When asked if this kind of forgery and deceit was a part of his character, Haider responded QUOTE: "The Jews made me do it. I hate being compared to Hitler. It’s those damn Jews that always compare me to Hitler. Just because I talk about romping through Europe, abolishing personal freedoms, and I’ve got a 4 foot swastika on my front door, the liberal, Jewish media is making me out to be a Nazi. Now if you’d excuse me, I need to trim my funny, little mustache."
— The two largest U.S. airlines said they have found no Year 2000 computer problems on their international routes that would jeopardize travel during the New Year period.
In related news, these are the SAME PEOPLE that tell us not to worry about losing our luggage.
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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