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10/09/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by A Gentle Zephyr that Entices the water-colored Autumn treetops to Dance, hand in hand. And other gay-tish like that.
— About 50 Czech Gypsies blocked the construction of a wall intended to separate their homes from non-Gypsy neighbors across the street.
The allegedly racist plan to build the two-meter-high, block-long wall has provoked criticism in the media and questions from foreign governments about how Czechs, a nation of 10.3 million, treat their Gypsy minority of about 300,000.
The Czechs responded to the allegations QUOTE: "What wall? Oh, yeah that one that stretches from 14th Street to 10th Street. Oh, see well, we put that up because we know how much those Gyspie people like handball. Handball for the Gypsies. Yup. Oh and the men in army fatigues with rifles sitting on top--- um, yeah those guys just throw the ball back over on a miss-hit."
— Elderly men in Canada were breathing a little easier after a woman was charged by police with distracting victims by squeezing their genitals so she could pick their pockets.
Alanis Morrissette DENIED any connection with the robberies.
The elderly men reportes that their grapes, or rather PRUNES, were tightly squeezed by the female assailant as she reached for their wallets.
Most of the lonely men did NOT feel victimized. INSTEAD, they claim they would have OFFERED their wallets if she had simply ASKED to squeeze their prunes in advance.
— A Hungarian sculptor has spent two years making what he says is the largest stone grandfather clock in the world, weighing 1.4 tons and with a height of 14 feet.
The stone clock has sparked tremendous interest in Europe but none in the U.S. When most Americans were asked if they’d like a 14 foot stone Grandfather Clock, they would respond, QUOTE: "Well golly, does it got an alarm radio in it? Jeepers I bet it ain’t even digital."
— Convenience store robbers sometimes wear stockings or ski masks to hide their faces. This one used a clear plastic bag.
The criminal, described as a homeless crack addict, did not have a disguise when he entered the store, so he grabbed a transparent garbage bag and threw it over his head.
Tests have yet to show whether the man was BORN that stupid or if the crack-addiction played a role. But HogWild News went deeper to get story BEHIND the story. We questioned the urban nomad to discover his thought process as he decided upon a clear bag as a diguise. Here are his thoughts as he entered the convenience store:
Must pay pusher-man for crack. Need crack. Also need Cocoa Puffs. Therefore must enter Convience Store to steal money and Cocoa Puffs. Uh, oh. Left Al Gore mask at home. Need disguise. Think quick! Need crack. Need cocoa puffs. Must pay Count Chockula. Think! Scratch self. How can I hide face? Can hold up hand in front of face. No, might forget and move hand. Can make silly fish-face—no one will recognize me! No, mama said face may freeze that way. Oh wait, there is garbage can. Put garbage pail over head. Too heavy. I know, dump out garbage and just put BAG over head. Now I am invisible. I can see them. They can’t see me. Because if they could see me, I would sure look silly. I mean, who goes to get Cocoa Puffs at 1am on a Saturday Night?
— A group of anti-nuclear protesters paraded nude down a San Francisco street to publicize the potential dangers of a catastrophic Y2K atomic meltdown.
In the process, some of the lesser-gifted male protesters publicized their Y2INCHES problem.
— Minnesota Gov. Jesse Ventura's state popularity dropped sharply following his Playboy Magazine interview in which he belittled those in organized religion plus a variety of others.
The former professional wrestler turned Governor said that if Jesus had ever stepped in the squared circle, he would have QUOTE: "slammed his hippie-head into the turnbuckle, broken a chair across his face, and delivered an atomic-suplex to make him cry and go home to Mary."
The Lord however, responded with a vengence when questioned my Mean Gene Oberlin, QUOTE: "Oh yeah. Let Jesse the Body talk now. But I am the Lord, the Messiah. I will be back to claim my crown from that little punk-ass non-believer. If he doesn’t turn the other cheek, I’ll turn it for him with an elbow to the nose. Bow before the Lord my son. Oh yeah. And in a tag team match, you know my Disciples got my back. Oh yeah. Oh yeah."
— Former U.S. President Ronald Reagan has an airport and library named after him, plus buildings across America and a park in Warsaw, Poland -- and now he has his own California auto license plate, featuring a picture of ''Dutch'' wearing a cowboy hat.
There are already 10,000 eager Californians who applied for the new Reagan tags.
In related news, Californian motorists with the Reagan license plates may now respond to the police question, "Where is your registration?" with the phrase, "I do not recall." "You were speeding, where’s the fire?" "I do not recall." And when asked if you’ve been drinking, drivers in the Golden State with the Reagan plates can explain it with the Reaganomnics trickle-down theory. Except you’ve merely replaced the money with moonshine.
— Houston rejoined the NFL, paying a record $700 million for an expansion franchise and beating out Los Angeles, the nation's second-largest TV market.
The question now is what to name the new Houston franchise. They could rename it the Oilers, or how about, per state tradition, name them Capital Punishment, or in honor of their Governor, the Coke-Sniffers. Oh wait, THAT name is already taken by the Dallas Cowboys.
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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