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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK
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10/12/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by That One Stray Pube you Forgot to Shave. Ladies, you may have ALREADY received That One Stray Pube you Forgot to Shave, FREE of charge! We hope it was stray enough for your satisfaction.
— A pair of artificial lips could be the answer to the prayers of aspiring trombonists and trumpeters and their long-suffering parents. The latex lips made by French physicists are designed to mimic different playing styles to help scientists better understand why brass instruments sound the way they do.
In related news, a pair of the Latex Lips has already been purchased by President Clinton. Clinton said QUOTE: "With no blubbery young bims anymore, I need alternative forms of entertainment. So I tried ‘em out. And those Lips sure did get the Presidential Seal of Approval, or should I say, I Approved of the way they Sealed around my Presidential Pecker. Yeeha! Don’t vote for my Vice-President, he’s a moron. Vote for me again! Clinton for King. Me me me me me me. Everybody look at me. Mamma, I’m a star! Put a yellow ribbon ‘round the trailer-house, I’ma comin’ home!"
— Robotic technology has again proved itself adept at performing delicate microsurgery, such as that required to repair damaged Fallopian tubes.
The Female PATIENTS apparently ALSO like the Robot Technology, especially when it is set to "VIBRATE."
— Doctors often err on the side of caution, and do not promote exercise for their elderly patients. But a leading British physician is recommending a more pro-active stance, encouraging doctors to get their elderly patients to be more physically active.
Acting on this advice, entrepreneurs are starting FULL-CONTACT Bingo Parlors. The elderly contestants play life-size cards where their team-mates must run to the called spot before their opponent. Often this results in body-checking and hip-replacement surgery.
Said long-time Bingo player Ruth Frendelson, QUOTE: "I really like this full-contact Bingo. I cover the B’s. So when they call B12, the other team knows to keep they old wrinkly trick-asses of my squares. Otherwise they know I’ll beat them down with my walker."
But others are not as convinced. Betty Silver expressed her concern QUOTE: "This Body-Slam Bingo makes me very nervous. Can somebody please help me empty my diaper?"
— Scientists report that a gooey yellow gel containing concrete-eating bacteria could help to CLEAN UP nuclear spills.
In related news, it was a SIMILAR gooey gel that CAUSED NOCTURNAL Nuclear Spills in HogWild’s skivvies as a teenager.
— Which came first, a galaxy's starry disk or the bulge at its middle?
It basically depends on the galaxy, astronomers working with the Hubble Space Telescope said.
The galactic bulge, long observed in the Milky Way and more recently monitored in other galaxies, is a major factor in galactic development.
Said HogWild ASStronomer Jeremy the Bloated Jew, QUOTE: "I KNEW I wasn’t the only one to have a GALACTIC BULGE!"
In related news, Jeremy is so Bloated that the couldn’t even hold his pants up with ORION’S Belt.
— U.S. Researchers said they have shown that the part of the brain that processes sight is also involved in the sense of touch.
This has substantiated the claims of many tripped-out Hippies who have responded, QUOTE: "I told you that those Midget Rainbow Mushroom People were so vibrant I could touch ‘em. Told you man. See YOU were crazy, WE were right. You know, the only reason I quit being a Hippie is because it’s just so hard to find 3-piece suits that match my tie-dye shirts."
— Researchers say Global Warming could be tackled more effectively and more cheaply than at present by controlling emissions of OTHER gases as well as carbon dioxide.
In related news, HogWild’s homeless Graphic RetArtist Dr. Salami issued an IMMEDIATE apology on behalf of his armpits.
— A ladies man suffering from a lackluster libido may want to lay off the licorice. Three Italian doctors warn that the active ingredient in licorice can lead to suppressed sex hormone levels in men.
The results of their experiment however, may be INVALID, since actually the men they tested didn’t EAT any licorice, but rather witnessed the three Italian doctors performing naughty homosexual foreplay with the long cherry Licorice.
And in related news, the really nasty part is that after they were done, the 3 gay doctors DID eat the licorice.
I’m Theodore, come taste a piece of my cherry Licorice.
— Southern right whales, hunted to the brink of extinction earlier this century, are making a comeback off the Argentine coast. Currently there are around 7,000 such whales compared to 100,000 at the start of the century.
Declared enraged Argentine Whale Hunters, QUOTE: "We must not allow a Right Whale Comeback! They want to suppress our personal freedoms! They want to outlaw abortion and force prayer in schools. Those Right Whales are Nazis! And they’re eating all our yummy Plankton too!"
— The hologram doctor on Star Trek's ``Voyager'' is fiction -- but virtual patients are already a reality. Doctors-in-training at Harvard Medical School are learning from computerized ``patients'' designed to present them with problems and situations that they may soon encounter for real.
Said one student, "Hologram or not, digging up people’s butts is nasty. Open Rectal Warts in 3-D is more than I can handle."
— A monster iceberg, 20 times bigger than Manhattan, is heading inexorably toward Argentina. It is said to be one of the thousands of gradually melting ice islands spinning in the chilly southern seas.
In related news, Hilary Clinton has DENIED that SHE is THAT ice berg.
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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Revised: October 15, 1999. hogwild.net---
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