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11/02/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Remote Controls. Remote Controls have been a vital part of keeping America fat and lazy. Buy one today. Unless you’re ALREADY too fat and lazy to get off your ass to get one.
— Former Beatle Paul McCartney returned to his rock 'n' roll roots for the release of his first pop album since the death of his wife Linda last year. The album has tracks ranging from Chuck Berry to Elvis Presley classicss.
McCartney said, "She ain’t nothin’ but a Hound Dog" was dedicated to that ho Yoko Ono.
— Rocky and Rambo star Sylvester Stallone -- who lost a battle with Madonna and his other wealthy neighbors to sell his sprawling Miami estate to a hotel company -- has a new deal to unload his Florida mansion.
In a sale that is shaping up to be Miami's richest residential deal, Moroccan-born luxury home builder Heim ''Michel'' Ifergane signed a contract to buy the 24,000-square-foot bayfront mansion and its three guest houses.
The new owner did not reveal his plans on what to do with that little old trainer dude who played Rocky’s ringside fight manager. Apparently that guy still lives in the Stallone’s house, running the hallways shouting, "C’mon Rocky!"
— Sean Connery has committed to star in the post-Cold War thriller ``End Game.'' He will play a by-the-book, old-fashioned CIA agent who goes on a special undercover assignment to expose illegal arms dealing, but discovers that he's actually a pawn in a large-scale setup.
Connery wants to silence critics who contest that he is too OLD to star in movies as characters who are suposed to be under 900 years of age.
In related news, Connery is set to act alongside Clint Eastwood and Betty White in the upcoming summer flick, "Strained Prunes and Applesauce".
— MCI WorldCom, the No. 2 U.S. long-distance phone company, unveiled the biggest corporate takeover ever, saying it would buy No. 3 carrier Sprint for $115 billion in stock.
As with any large corporate takeover, some members of the company to be purchased were upset. Complained one SPRINT EXECUTIVE QUOTE, "It’s bad enough they bought my company and fired me, but then they called my wife and even my parents asking if they would switch long distance carriers to the MCI Friends & Family Program!"
MCI officials said they were looking to create a unified company, but admited they MAY have stepped over the line in their celebration of the sale when they confronted Murphy Brown and told her where she could stick that stupid pin drop.
— Internet star Yahoo Inc kicked off the third quarter earnings season on a strong note as it reported operating income grew more than five-fold while sales more than doubled.
In a blatant attempt to capitalize off the succes off Yahoo, an company called YaHO has sprung up. The CEO of YaHO stated QUOTE: "Our business plan is centered around people’s natural tendency to make typos. Each time someone mistypes Yahoo.com they will come to OUR site. OUR site, YaHO.com offers the SAME searching capabilities as Yahoo, plus an expanded Big Booty section. Or as we like to say, ‘Set your Browser on Open-Trouser.’
The company that owns YaHo also owns such bootleg websites as eNay.com and AmazoM.com. Though this may seem like a simple scheme that offers no added value for the customer, CEO Bill Fates reminds us that all his sites offer an expanded Big Booty Section.
— Railway officials in a Dutch town plan to play classical music by Bach and Beethoven in the station's pedestrian tunnel, in the hope that it will drive away drug users.
New York City mayor and Senatorial hopeful Rudolph Guliani laughed at this civil approach. Guliani said QUOTE: "Those Dutch dudes are crazy. If they want to rid the tunnels of druggies they should do like I do--- send in the cops with orders to beat anyone who giggles, or smiles, or looks suspicious, or smells real bad without having a Taxi-driver license."
— Crocodiles have invaded the southeastern Mexican city of Villahermosa since torrential rains covered about three-quarters of it with water.
One resident claimed to see one such Mexican Crocodile approach him and say QUOTE: "Put down the Chilupah", followed by a strong belch. The belch allegedly smelled like a small dog doused in Hot Taco Sauce. As evidence the man presented a pair of regurgitated expressive canine eyebrows.
— After months of DNA testing, veterinarians at the Los Angeles Zoo have identified the mysterious Don Juan who fathered three baby chimpanzees -- after all of its males of breeding age had had vasectomies.
The seed-dropping chimp was found to be named Shaun. When asked to comment on the situation, the supposedly neutered animal furiously hoped up and down while pointing to Price is Right host Bob Barker on the TV, and extended his middle-finger.
— Divers exploring wreckage believed to be from Blackbeard's ship have discovered a cannon that links the debris to the time when the buccaneer prowled the waters off the North Carolina coast.
In related news, ANOTHER Buccaneer, Billy the Buttpirate, ALSO has large cannon. But he is usually SITTING on it.
— An Indiana jury found a former nurse guilty of giving fatal injections to six patients in his care, allegedly because he hated the elderly.
In the nurse’s final statements before being escorted from the courtroom he said QUOTE: "It’s those damn silver-haired, fork-tongued, devil people. You are SO naivee. When I see a walker, I see the devil’s horns. When I see an adult diaper, I see a pitchfork. When I see a Medic-Alert braclet, I see the red flames of Hell! The elderly are sucking us dry of our money, our resources, and the good seats on the bus! They must be stopped!" His outrageous rant continued for another 35 minutes and finally concluded QUOTE: "And the lies and propaganda they perpetutate! They never walked 3 miles to school! They never worked 2 jobs every summer! They never performed fellatio on J. Edgar Hoover! The Good Old Days! Ha! Those were the Days of Sodom and Geritol! Don’t let them get away with this! Crush the old! Crush their fragile calcium-depleted bones! They have no God. The Bingo Parlor is their Church. Murder all the Mildreds!"
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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