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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK
INTERNATIONAL™
 
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11/03/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Sex. Sex is a Sport. That’s why HogWild spends so much time alone Practicing.
— London's Heathrow airport had to bring in portable toilets after a fault in a water main shut off most of the airport's water supply.
Complained one tired traveler, QUOTE, "My bloody plane was bloody late, they lost my bloody luggage, and to top it all off, I then have to bloody poop in one of those bloody "crap closets".
— An elderly Vietnamese woman has not slept in 32 years but still manages to do the housework each day. The woman has been unable to sleep since her second husband died in 1967 because she was scared of getting robbed.
Ironically, the woman DID get robbed, but she was too TIRED to stop the burglar.
In related news, upon hearing that this woman uses her sleepless time to do housework, the humbly-hung, hairy-faced, harlequin HogWild immediately proposed marriage.
— British police guarded pop superstar Madonna when she arrived at London's Heathrow airport amid reports that a threat had been made against her.
British fans of the Spice Girls were apparently outraged when Madonna told Geri-Spice that she was no-talent hack and that she should QUOTE: "Sit on my gold bullet-bra and rotate."
In a related story, Ricky Martin again snubbed Boy George’s offer for dinner and a movie and buttsex.
— Fresh from enraging New York with an exhibit featuring elephant dung and pickled cow parts, the bad boys of British art have done it again.
This time, their target is another American icon -- Barbie.
U.S. toy giant Mattel is organizing an ``Art of Barbie'' exhibit, but the firm said it might have to pull a piece from the show following reports that sculptor Marc Quinn had created a decapitated Barbie smeared with blood-red paint.
The scupltor defended his work citing that the Charles Manson doll came separately. Quinn’s other works include: Vietnam Vet GI Joe featuring a mangled leg and left arm twisted around his neck. Also, the ever-popular crotchless He-man that was attacked by the Xena doll and her band of lesbian feminist extremists. But the most repulsive of all his action figure art must be the George Michael figure with lubricated kung-fu grip. Pull the lever on his back and his arm swings up and down. Squeeze him and he sings "I want my Sex" and the lines, "I’m never gonna wack again, guilty hands have got no rhythm."
— Deadly nuclear foes from another era plan to ring in the new year together to make sure the world survives the 2000 technology bogy known as Y2K.
Russian and U.S. military personnel will sit side by side to mount a pioneering missile watch aimed at heading off the worst Y2K danger of all, an accidental atomic Armageddon.
Russian officials swear that they are indeed Y2K compliant. When asked if they had any remaining Y2K BUGS, former USSR Communist leader Khruschev loudly answered, "NYET!, NYET! NYET!" while banging his shoe on the table. Khruschev then continued to hunt for bugs and then crush them with his shoe, shouting, QUOTE: "NYET Y2K-ski, NYET Y2Kski!"
— In a bid to distribute high-frequency radio waves more efficiently to businesses running such services as wireless Internet, Canada kicked off its first spectrum auction. 13 Canadian companies were competing to win licenses for six blocks of radio waves.
There would be MORE blocks to offer but unfortunately most of Canada’s radio waves are currently being CLOGGED up with the whiny seagull-voice of Alanis Moronsette.
— Xerox Corp posted an 11-percent drop in third-quarter profits, blaming intense competition.
Complained Xerox officials, QUOTE: "They’re copying us. They’re copying us. They’re copying us."
— Russia bombed suspected rebel bases around the Chechen capital Grozny and its forces exchanged fire with Islamist fighters keeping up pressure on the breakaway region.
In a surprise move, Joseph Stalin issued this statement QUOTE: "I can’t believe my country is allowing itself to be torn apart. When I was leader of the great USSR every republic was under MY command. There was no religion to fight over. No jealousy over different wages. No one was hungry. Imagine all the people living for today. Some people think I was inspired by Marx but it was really Lenin—JOHN Lennon. What happened to the Iron curtain? Murder everyone who protests. Murder the Jews! Murder the 1980 Olympic hockey team!"
In related news Stalin’s note was delivered in an enveloped with the return address labeld 666 Old Lucifer Lane, Hell, Ohio 44106.
— Firefighters battling a flare-up of northern California wildfires
gained the upper hand against one blaze that had consumed dozens of homes, but other fires raged on in tinderbox conditions.
The Northern Californian fire fighters were glad that the blaze was almost out but warned amid snickers and bitten lips, QUOTE: "We MAY see another fire like this if residents loot and riot after the Golden State Warriors win the NBA Championship." The firefighters then totally broke down and began laughing hysterically. They did not stop giggling until the Fire Chief hosed them down. One fireman was treated for injuries suffered after being doubled-over in laughter.
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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