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11/07/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by People who stop to write down the mileage in between each new tank of gas. We’re anal, but we’re pretty sure we save a nickel every month. We think.
— A sick female Ohio doctor dramatically evacuated from America's South Pole scientific base by a U.S. Air Force plane is now safely back in the United States.
The woman doctor reportedly had a severe case of the sniffles. She stated QUOTE: "I knew my opened-toed sandals were a bad idea here in Antartica, but gosh, I just didn’t have anything to go with my orange, triple-goose-down medical science coat."
— The Hector Mine earthquake that rocked much of the southwestern United States was even more powerful than originally estimated, scientists said as they revised the quake's magnitude from 7.0 to 7.1.
In related news, researchers believe the southwestern quake was caused by Kevin Bacon’s huge jammee. The Rectal-Richter- Scale shook after Bacon quickly removed his Jammee from the GRAND CANYON, causing it to queaf.
— Fire tore through a four-story shopping center where people were drinking and singing, killing at least 54 and injuring 69 in the South Korean port city of Inchon.
Said one lucky survivor of the Karaoke Bar QUOTE: "We all started to boo because the person singing sounded like a cat being burned alive. Boy did we feel dumb when we found that it WAS a cat being burned alive."
— Texas Gov. and Presidential hopeful George W. Bush suffered cuts and bruises when he jumped out of the way of an out-of-control dump truck while he was out for his daily jog.
Apologizing, the truck driver said QUOTE: "I’m sorry I almost hit Mr. Bush, but I was temporarily blinded by a thousand points of light.
George W. Bush was not amused by this reference to his father’s presidential legacy and demanded that the driver, Michael Dukakis appear in court.
— An 83-year-old man has admitted forging a prescription for the anti-impotence drug Viagra in a bid to boost his love life with his 39-year-old girlfriend.
Said the elderly cassanova QUOTE: "I can’t keep up with this bim. She uses my walker like a gymnast uses the horizontal bars. I just needed a little help. Nevermind that my pubes are a distinguished silver, I need a little more jump in my jammee."
— A Kuwaiti man stabbed a bank employee to death for refusing to give him a loan.
In his defense the man said QUOTE: "I felt the bank was offering an unfair interest rate given my previous credit history as well as today’s competitive marketplace. So I was about to show him my prized 13 inch hunting knife as collateral when the banker suddenly fell on top of it. He fell on top of it a few times. Six to seven times really. Unfortunate situation. I guess I’ll have to try another financial institution who better understands the needs of the customer."
— Armed robbers rammed a car through a bank's window at Dublin airport early and stole about $66,000.
The thieves were reportedly very frustrated because first they attempted to make a quick ATM robbery, but it was out of service. And then after they crashed their car through the window, they had to wait 40 minutes in line before they could demand their money.
— Hall of Fame running back Walter Payton, the National Football League's all-time rushing leader, died from a rare liver ailment.
Payton, 45, was awaiting a liver transplant. Sadly, the liver was about to be delivered just moments before Payton passed away. But unfortuantely Coach Ditka had Refrigerator Perry run it in. Perry fumbled the liver at the one yard line just before time expired.
— Rotterdam zoo staff had to separate two hostile groups of Indian elephants after a power struggle that followed the death of a respected member of the herd.
The Indian Elephants were alleged to have begun fighting when they left the structure of the British zoo and were on their own in the Indian preserve. The two elephants argued over religious and cultural differences. They resolved their fight by creating two separate exhibits at the zoo. No word on whether either pacaderm would emmigrate to the U.S. to drive a cab.
— Witches, ghouls and an orange army of pumpkins invaded France, breaking down all that was left of Gallic resistance to Halloween, long regarded as an American commercial conspiracy.
In related news, Halloween IS an American conspiracy. It is perpetrated by the American Dental Association. Sure they tell us to brush twice a day and to floss at night, but they are the evil masterminds behind this so-called holiday. Candy-Corn is the official confection of Tooth Decay. On this day, they encourage us to use orange soda as a mouthwash. Floss with Licorice. Brush with chocolate bars. Dentists are evil. And Oct 31st is their night! Burn Dentists Burn! If you suspect a Dentist to live in your neighborhood, tell everyone that he or she is trying to hurt your children! With their strange instruments and nitrous oxide. They need to be stopped!
— She made her way to the front of the crowd and demanded a kiss from President Bill Clinton. And though he seemed temporarily taken aback, she eventually got one. Ginger Gold, a 93 year old woman interruted the proceedings until she received her kiss from the President.
After smooching the senior citizen, critics were only proved correct in their earlier attacks. Mr. Clinton takes them 8 to 80, old, crippled, and crazy.
— Country music legend Johnny Cash has recovered from a bout with pneumonia and returned home.
In related news, the near-tragedy inspired new songs from the country-music star like: "I had to sell my truck when I got the doctor’s bill", "Blue Jeans and Ruptured Spleens", "Pneumonia ain’t just the name of a girl", "I got that sneezy, near death feelin’", and "Old Dixie and Nurse named Trixie."
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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