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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK
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11/15/99
(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts
w/ Theodore
HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Penis Crust. Penis Crust is a lot like PIZZA Crust except it smells bad, tastes bad, and forms around the glans jammy when you fail to wash yourself for several weeks. Try Penis Crust, double-stuffed with cheese, now at Penis Hut.
— Two dozen current and former Amtrak employees filed a class action lawsuit against the national passenger railroad, charging it with discriminating against black workers because of their race.
African-American EMPLOYEES were upset with Amtrack’s subtle policies that promoted racism. Said one black Amtrack worker QUOTE: "It just gets to you after awhile. The little comments, the jokes, the separate water fountains for whites and negroes."
— NASA's much-delayed mission to repair the Hubble Space Telescope suffered another setback when shuttle Discovery's move to the launch pad was delayed by a damaged cable.
Remarked one mission astronaut QUOTE: "Nah. Hell no. I ain’t goin’ up in outer space without my cable! I need my HBO, my SportsCenter, my Intimate Encounters, and that one channel that slowly lists what you’re missing on all the other channels while you’re waiting to find out what’s on Channel 137."
— Marriage brings as much happiness as an additional $100,000 in income, two researchers reported.
In related news, many husbands report that the extra income is quickly spent on women’s shoes and Pokemon toys for the brats.
— A car load of Austin Powers lookalikes brought chaos to Britain's busiest motorway when they began terrorizing drivers with imitation handguns.
Police said they were swamped with calls from motorists after five men in velvet suits, some purple, were seen toting guns -- just like the hero of ``The Spy Who Shagged Me''.
The authorities arrested the offending idiots and referred them all to local Dentists.
In related movie mimicking news, Jeremy’s mom was arresting for looking like Chewbaka. She is making a special appearance on HIRSUTE-HO’s.COM.
— A major German motorway was closed for several hours after a truck carrying 16 tons of apples turned over, turning Autobahn 33 into a hazardous apple sauce skid zone.
In related news, Jeremy the Bloated Jew bought a plane ticket and big spoon.
— Britain may adopt nationwide a ''rent-a-granny'' scheme. A team of volunteer ``community grannies'' will be set up to provide advice, support and free help with household chores. The idea is to give children in deprived areas a better start in life.
Creators of the Program did not respond to queries as to whether the Rented Grandmothers came with a warranty or if they could be return if they were found to have defects. Said on Granny, QUOTE: "I’ve always wanted to rent my wisdom out to others. It makes me feel needed. It keeps me from being lonely. Plus every pearl of wisdom I give these youngsters earns me one cheek-twist and one adult-diaper change.
— A northern English town is sending a message to Mars -- thanks to NASA.
The Chamber of Commerce in Bedlington, some 300 miles north of London, approached NASA to ask if it could join in a mission to Mars.
NASA agreed, so when a rocket blasts off for the red planet on the Mars 2001 Lander Mission, a CD Rom guide to Bedlington will be packed on board.
We go to that howling huckster of hammy humor, HogWild.
HOG: Perhaps the hicks in Bedlington still have not been informed: there is NO LIFE ON MARS! No one will receive your stupid CD-ROM tourist map. And even if Martians DID exist AND they had electricity and a computer with a CD-ROM Drive—why would they travel 100 thousand miles to go to BEDLINGTON! That’s like New Jersey sending brochures to China to invite them to visit NEWARK. DAAAAMN!
— The key to staying young is all in the mind and simple tastes according to Ireland's oldest person.
``I feel just the same as I did when I was 20,'' said Bridget Dirrane from west Ireland just after her 105th birthday.
In related news, it is not understood how she FEELS the same, unless of course she hasn’t recently felt the wrinkles on her neck or her flabby Irish mashed potato arms.
Ireland’s oldest citizen, so old she has Jesus’s beeper number.
— The world's largest Internet service company America Online broke into Latin America when it launched its Brazil operations, marking the start of a cyber-war for the region's biggest market.
Many South Americans are excited about the prospect of being connected to the rest of the world. One citizen of Columbia remarked QUOTE: "Wow, this is exciting. Potentially, I can communicate with people all over the world. Now if we only had Freedom of Speech."
AOL did not announce any plans to include Freedom of Speech in AOL 5.0.
— Pushing the boundaries of charitable giving on the Internet, Gary Coleman is asking fans to donate money to help bail out the former child television star of the 1970s comedy ``Diff'rent Strokes'' from bankruptcy.
HogWild News however uncovered this fraud. The diminutive Gary Coleman does not in fact have a web page. He was simply curled up and sleeping inside someone’s monitor.
The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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Revised: November 21, 1999. hogwild.net---
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