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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 

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12/5/99

(transcribed from Theodore's Newscast 1 day later) Listen to the current News in Netcasts

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Stanky Socks. Socks so Stanky they twist your ankle-hairs into knots. And you’re a girl!

  Tim Allen, who scored big at the box office with the 1994 comedy ``The Santa Clause,'' is resurrecting his movie career now that his ``Home Improvement'' days are over. Allen has restructured his Disney-backed production company, by bringing in a veteran producer.

Remarking on his movie career, Allen boasted QUOTE: "Seinfeld may have outdone be on the SMALL screen, but look at his MOVIE career compared to MINE!"

Seinfeld snapped back QUOTE: "Tim’s biggest Hollywood accomplishment is that he screams "to Infinity and Beyond" while a cartoon dork in a space-suit runs around much to the delight of the 6 year olds in the audience. I don’t think it will be hard for me to top that. Plus I have those credit card commericials. Tim has a prison record. He can’t even OWN a credit card.

National Hockey League teams are starting to pull Gary Glitter's jock anthem ``Rock and Roll, Part Two'' from their arenas' musical rosters after the glam-rock idol was jailed on child pornography charges.

The NHL was reportedly tired of HogWild’s jokes about Glitter "high-sticking" the kids in their "penalty box".

In related news, everyone ELSE was tired of HogWild’s jokes too. Except for the one about "icing the puck". That one was pretty funny.

  Internet marketing software has gotten so good at identifying and tracking consumers' interests that some marketers think it provides more information than the registration forms or surveys that Web surfers themselves fill out.

For example, the Net’s horny harlequin whose hung like a Horse—a FEMALE horse--- HogWild, filled out a survey in the following manner. The question was: "How often do you look at FNP (Free Net Porn) sites:

  1. 0 –1 hour per day
  2. 1-2 hours per day
  3. 3-4 hours per day
  4. everyday until both your eyes and jammy are bleeding

Hog lied and wrote filled in choice A. The marketing software however, discovered Hog’s TRUE habits and an emergency team of Psycho-Therapists with Artic Sled Dogs was dispatched to HogWild’s door within minutes.

Pedro Martinez became only the fourth pitcher to win the American League Cy Young Award unanimously and joined Gaylord Perry and Randy Johnson as the only pitchers to win the honor in each league.

Pedro remarked QUOTE: "What an HONOR it is to be put alongside guys named GAYLORD and JOHNSON.

Campbell Soup Co, the world's largest soup maker, reported weaker first quarter earnings, as a result of the company's elimination of quarter-end promotions for U.S. customers.

The Campbell CEO was clearly upset. He said QUOTE: "What up wit dat? Why do we still have to promote? EVERYBODY knows us already. For goodness sake, a famous artist-guy even made a painting of our product. What else do you want?"

The CEO was apparently hit hard by the weaker earnings as he delivered his statement wearing only a life-size Campbell Soup Can. In related news, his 54 year old legs looked worse than that the "Cream of Mushroom" stuff they sell.

A Michigan jury found 13-year-old Nathaniel Abraham, one of the youngest murder defendants ever in the United States, guilty of second-degree murder, meaning he could be released by age 21.

Abraham was 11 when he was arrested on Halloween night, still wearing his trick-or-treating costume, for the shooting death of an 18-year-old.

The Jury’s verdict for the child was harsh, sentencing him to 8 years in prison with no chance of Pokemon for Christmas.

A nurse who blamed cigarettes for her lung cancer testified in Florida's class action lawsuit against the tobacco industry that she smoked more than three packs a day even during treatment for the cancer that spread to her brain.

When asked if she should have known better, being that she IS in the health care industry, she replied (with the help of her assisted- breathing device), QUOTE: "Yeah, like every bus driver wears a seat belt, like every dentist has perfect teeth, like Hitler never had a bagel with a shmear of salmon-flavored cream cheese."

Mexican and U.S. agents unearthed at least one body as they searched sites in northern Mexico for mass graves in which drug cartels are suspected of burying some 100 murder victims.

In a related story, some of the bodies were found wrapped in a shell so crispy, flaky, chewy, tasty you’ll wonder why we put anything in it at all.

In a further related story, Taco Bell declined to mention their MEAT SOURCE for their new Chilupas.

  President Clinton proposed new rules to allow states to use unemployment insurance funds for paid parental leave to care for newborn or newly-adopted children.

Right-wing Republican Pat Buchanan responded to the news QUOTE: "This is an OUTRAGE! We’re teaching newborns that they can live off of the backs of hard working Americans! They should stop laying AROUND all day, get their little baby butts out of the crib and get a JOB. It’s time for these babies to get their mouths off of the leaky bosoms of their mothers and to go out and pay the RENT!" The beligerant Buchanan continued QUOTE: "And as for these ADOPTED kids, I don’t understand why we let them live! If their PARENTS didn’t wanna keep ‘em, why should WE! ACHTUNG, MEIN KAMPF, vote for me for Fuhrer, um President of the United States in 2000!"

U.S. Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens temporarily blocked two Midwestern states from enforcing its laws banning a type of late-term abortion.

The procedure involves the extraction of a fetus from the uterus, feet first. An instrument is then inserted in the skull and the brain is removed to collapse the skull before the fetus is taken out.

The Supreme Court wanted to reiterate its liberal stance on abortions and also take the time to encourage POST-BIRTH abortions. Said one Justice who requested anonymity, QUOTE: "A woman has a right to choose how she wants her body to be violated. If she wants to be violated with a vacuum tube and cattle prod, that’s her business. Also, anything that comes out of her body, be it feces or fetus, she has a right to mutilate and search for corn."

  Dow Corning said that a federal judge has issued a ruling that allows the company to settle $3.2 billion in claims for silicone gel breast implants.

It said that the Judge had confirmed the company's Chapter 11 bankruptcy plan.

Dow Corning is STILL upset with the rulings, citing that any woman stupid enough to inject squishy foreign objects into her chest should NOT be awarded financial compensation. The Judge however had rejected Dow’s ORIGINAL compensation plan which was to simply provide buckets for the women to hold beneath their leaky silicone snuggle-bubbles.

Playboy Enterprises urged the U.S. Supreme Court to strike down on free-speech grounds a law requiring the signals from sexually explicit cable television channels to be completely blocked from nonsubscribing households.

In Playboy’s defense, the He-Man of half-hearted humor and humper of humpback whales, HogWild, testified that to even SEE anything sexual you’d have to wait at least 7 minutes for just 23 seconds of unscrambled nudity.

In a related story, HogWild’s wife Mrs. Potato-Head, has been complaining that while their lovemaking lasts only 23 seconds, it takes Hog an entire SEVEN minutes just to warm up.

The HogWild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

Click to go read more HogWild News!


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