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HOGWILD! NEWS NETWORK INTERNATIONALThe world is Jeremy's appetizer.

Hi, I'm Theodore-- the openly homosexual newscaster for Hog-Wild!

 

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12/20/99

w/ Theodore

HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Armpit Transudation, better known as Pit Sweat. Pit Sweat is the most odorific of all bodily perspiration. So next time you sweat like a pig on a treadmill, think Pit Sweat. Better than Butt Crevice Sweat, it’s Pit Sweat.

To Disney, the Mexican henchman in the Toy Story 2 video game was just another funny bad guy lurking in what is expected to be one of the hottest selling titles of the holidays.

But to many in Los Angeles' large Hispanic community, the villain -- decked out with a sombrero, thick mustache and bands of bullets across his chest -- was a blatant stereotype and a slap in the face to their cultural pride.

Disney relented to the pressure with a spokeswoman stating QUOTE: "We apologize for the insensitivity. Effective immediately we will replace the Mexican with a big black guy."

Robert Horton either does not trust his wife or loves his money. In either case, he was not about to forfeit the $170 he had posted to get her out of jail. So, he took matters into his own hands.

The man bound his wife in duct tape, taping her mouth shut and securing her arms across her chest.

When questioned about the severe tactics used against his wife, Mr. Horton answered, QUOTE: "You just can’t trust some people. Stealing grapes at the grocery is a serious offense. She might have fled. Plus it kinda turned me on."

A foul-mouthed parrot called Percy was fired from the cast of a British children's show for forgetting his lines and swearing on stage.

Percy the Parrot pleaded innocent saying that he learned the dirty language from his owner, and children’s show host, Billy the Butt Pirate. That WOULD explain why he inexplicably shouted "Walk my Plank or get a wooden peg-leg up the arse!"

The children on the set were shocked. Parents in the audience were appalled and ran to cover their children’s ears once the parrot began chirping a sick story about how Billy the Butt Pirate came to need his eye-patch.

An Australian was attacked by a dazed and injured koala after he accidentally ran over the cuddly marsupial with his car.

The man tried to help the furry critter off of the road when the small mammal pulled out a switchblade and stuck him in the leg.

Complained the man, QUOTE: "That’s the last time I help a koala wearing a leather jacket and red bandana."

Britain's Scout Association blasted veteran rock star Elton John for staging a raunchy dance routine with male strippers dressed as cub scouts.

The Scouts did not appreciate their organization being depicted as boys whose merit-badge for KNOTS was earned by tying up Sir Elton in leather while they used his spanked-red bottom as a bullseye for the archery arrows in their pants.

The 58-year-old chief executive officer of Wendy's International died unexpectedly.

The cause of Gordon F. Teter's death is not yet certain, but police say that it looks like a coronary—Biggie Sized.

Physicians confirmed this theory citing a deliciously tasty French Fry slowly floating in his aorta.

British taxi drivers were ordered not to talk with their passengers about sex, religion or politics.

In related news, they ARE still allowed to let POLITICIANS scream "Oh God!" while receiving sexual favors in the back of the cab.

Mexican authorities have rounded up 29 foreign ``exotic dancers'' accused of performing strip tease routines without work permits and might deport them.

The government complained that these illegal aliens are taking jobs away from legal Mexican citizens. Reacted one such American stripper, QUOTE: "Mexicans sneak across the border all the time and take U.S. jobs. Turnabout is fair play. I LOVE stripping in Mexico! I love the Sombrero Hooter StripTease, the ‘shake your piñata dance’, and the ‘human taco’ sex show. I just don’t like how the pesos jiggle in my g-string. Also, I don’t care HOW much they pay me, I refuse to swallow their worm!"

The World Wrestling Federation has decided to tone down some of its programs due to pressure from advertisers such as Coca-Cola and AT&T.

One of the WWF's most popular shows, ``WWF Smackdown!'' will change its content to make it eligible for a TV-PG rating. Said the WWF CEO QUOTE: "We need to align the requirements of our customers with that of our revenue sources in a symbiotic, synergistic paradigm conducive to the needs of all parties."

In other words, the WWF sold out. The Professional Wrestling outfit will roll out new programming next season. "WWF Smackdown" will be ousted in favor of "WWF Minor Tiff". "Summer Slam" makes way for "Summer Stroll through the Park". And say goodbye to the "Royal Rumble". And say hello to "Fluffy Pillow Fights". And worst of all "RAW is WAR" will be replaced with "RACING is CARING".

The Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals overturned the constitutionality of a portion of the Child Pornography Prevention Act.

The section in question made it a crime to possess digital images or videos of people who "appear" to be minors engaging in sexual acts, even if the participants are actually legal-aged.

In related news, the ‘Net’s nasty hairy-knuckled, nymphomaniac nincompoop, HogWild, breathed a sigh of relief and took his "Big Breasted Crossing Guards Spank Jaywalking Children" tape starring Gary Coleman, out of hiding and placed it back into his regular library alongside "Porky’s", "Debbie Does Dallas", and "Waiting to Exhale."

China regained little Macau after 442 years of Portuguese rule over Europe's first and final colonial outpost on Chinese soil.

At stately ceremonies in tune with the end of an era, the red Chinese flag was hoisted and this colorful gambling haven became a Special Administrative Region of China.

Macau, often labeled the Las Vegas of the East, is recognizing the end of an era. The Slot Machines already reflect this sentiment. Gone are the lemons, cherries, and lucky 7’s. They have been replaced with the hammer, sickle, and gagged mouth of human rights repression.

And to make matters worse, in tune with its new socialist ways, whenever somebody hits the jackpot, they have to share it evenly with everyone playing!

Said one casino customer, QUOTE: "They promised us we’d all get at least 15 in blackjack and that sounded good, but the lines are getting longer. This commie stuff is over-rated."

Said another Macau resident QUOTE: "Wa-nay-oh-ma Ling Loo Ha-Tiki-Jing!" That resident did not speak English.

Peru's government said it had ordered the Inca citadel of Machu Picchu to be closed over New Year's to protect one of South America's most important archeological sites from thousands of millennium revelers.

Said a Peruvian official QUOTE: "We know these party-types. They’re thinking, ancient Incan ruins, sounds like a good time. We’ll drink some beers, play loud rock music, maybe learn a little bit about an extinct yet highly effectual South American civilization. Well no sir-ee buddy! Go take your millennium brouhahas elsewhere! I hear the Mexican Mayan Temples are quite a carousal."

A Dutch brothel chain said it hoped to open a branch at an Amsterdam Airport to cater to stressed travelers.

HogWild News went on location to see FIRST-HAND how this system would work. Here is what took place.

Tired Male Traveler: Oh man, I can’t believe they lost my luggage! And I missed my connection because the stupid plane was late! So I had to sit in the terminal for 6 hours, and ---

Whore, er, Well-paid Brothel-Babe: Oh just relax sweetheart. Let me rub your shoulders.

Tired Male Traveler: Well, okay. But my damn LUGGAGE! Oh. OH! Oooooh.

Whore, er, Passion Artist: Oh that’s not your SHOULDER! Is that a 747 in your pants pocket, or is time for the on-board snack?

Tired Male Traveler: You’re not a whore are you?

Whore: NO! I am an Agent of Arousal. I’m in the Customer Servicing Department.

Tired Male Traveler: Oh ok. Do you take American Express?

Whore, er, Personal Lust Associate: Well, if you only want a quickie.

-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.

Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.

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Revised: December 23, 1999 hogwild.net--- TELL A FRIEND!!

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