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HogWild News Network International is brought to you by Men with No Asses. MNA strives to nullify the aesthetic stigma associated with men who have the medical condition PB (Pancake Butt). PB is a serious affliction that affects millions of men, many of whom need to wear embarrassing trouser reinforcements (suspenders) to keep their pants from sliding below the place where their bottom should be holding it up.
~ Philosophy doctorate student Erik Sprague wants to explore the meaning of life -- as a reptile. Sprague has had his teeth sharpened, bumps implanted into his forehead and green scales or swirls tattooed across his face and body in his quest to become a reptile.
Sprague, who swears he is not just another Trekkie trying to become his favorite character, has been ostracized by his family since his decision to become a scaly non-mammal.
His mother remarked QUOTE: "Ever since my son became a reptile-man, he seems to be a lot more cold-blooded. And its not just his attitude, hes constantly turning up the heat and wearing a scarfeven indoors! And his manners have gone to HELL! I said to him, Erik, since when do we reach across the table with our slimy, forked tongue? If you want a bug thats out of reach, just politely ASK!"
Erik denied any such changes and charged that his mother just does not support his dream to become a four-legged creature of the swamp. Erik struck back, QUOTE: "When I was younger it was pick the toys off the floor, then pick-up your laundry, and now its stop leaving your eggs everywhere! Nag, nag, nag! I cant wait til my tail grows in. Ill show mom whose the boss THEN! Ooh, but I will need her help cutting holes in the back of all my underwear.
~ Mexican police have detained a man who allegedly tried to sell his own baby for 50 pesos or $5.30.
The Father maintained his innocence answering QUOTE: "I would NEVER try to sell my baby just because I wanted a soft, chewy, delicious Chilupah from Taco Hell."
When interrogated, the man broke down and admitted that he DID try to sell his baby for a mere 5 units. His defense argument however did hold some logic.
He rationalized QUOTE: "A baby is very smelly and gross-looking when it leaves the stomach, its expensive to raise, and it makes a lot of noise. A Chilupah with a mouth-watered flaky shell is ALSO very smelly and gross-looking when it leaves the stomach but it is inexpensive and quiet. Plus I was hungry and my kid turned out ugly."
~ A Swedish man escaped from a blaze at a hunting cabin but froze to death as he fled, naked, on a snowmobile.
In related news police found two icy, Swedish meatballs nearby.
And for his commentary on the matter we go to the World Wide Webs wacky, weirdo, who waxes wistfully about Wonderwoman, HogWild.
~ Ultra-Orthodox Jews forced the removal of 500 bus-stop billboards they deemed obscene for featuring a blonde Israeli fashion tycoon in a mini-skirt modeling her brand of black silk stockings.
The super-religious Jews demanded that her picture be taken down and, citing that she was acting like a slotted-pig, they even removed the O.U. Kosher symbol from her inner-thigh.
~ British police signaled they may take a lenient view of cannabis smoking and other minor drug offences during celebrations for the new millennium.
In related news, U.S. President Bill Clinton has just booked a flight to England over the New Year.
~ Cairo airport customs officers foiled an attempt to smuggle about 60,000 Viagra pills into Egypt.
Egyptian officials said they were only trying to have the Pharaoh rise again.
In related news, the horny, Hebrew National, halfway humorous Hooligan HogWild was caught having ingested the Viagra. He was running around Egypt screaming, "Look, theres a Great Pyramid in my pants!"
~ A 55-year-old woman swam 12 miles to the Argentine coast after her sailboat was blown onto a sandbar and began to sink.
She was screaming in pain and frustration when she was discovered by sailors. The sailors tossed her back into the sea after confusing her for QUOTE: "another menopausal mermaid having hot flashes."
~ A dog saved his four-year-old master from a swarm of bees by covering him with his body, and then died from the stings.
The poor dog was born a poodle and died a Newfoundland.
~ A five-year-old British girl has turned orange after over-imbibing Sunny Delight, a popular bootleg alternative to real orange juice.
The child's face and hands turned orange after she drank 1.5 liters a day of the drink that contains 120 micrograms of beta carotene.
The girls mother bragged QUOTE: "I told you so. I told you so. You keep drinking that stuff and youll start to LOOK like it!"
There are no reports however, that the girls fingers have developed tasty crunchy ridges flavored with sour cream and onion.
~ A German chef was given life imprisonment for murdering his wife, dismembering her body and cooking her bones before hiding them in the roof of their house.
The chef did not seem remorseful. He said he saw nothing wrong with his actions, and that boiling his wife was an old family recipe. At the trial, Exhibit A was his fathers cookbook featuring 101 Deliciously Efficient Ways to Prepare European Jews.
~ Texan supermodel Jerry Hall, reveling in her new-found independence from Mick Jagger, says ''We still love each other but are not in love.''
Her prepared statement also added some piercing wordplays on Jaggers songs. QUOTE: "Mick wanted Satisfaction but he could never Start Me Up. Even if he bought me a Ruby Tuesday I still would want to pull down his skivvies, stretch it out and Paint it Black.
~ Director Oliver Stone scored a box office touchdown as his football drama Any Given Sunday led the pack at a busy Christmas holiday box office.
In related news, the adult film industry has already gotten ideas from the film. Speculation has it that Drippin Booty Entertainment has signed a deal with disgraced holy man Jim Baker for THEIR version of Any Given Sunday. Baker will play himself alongside fan favorites Tina Torpedoes, L.L. Cool Jammy, Jamie Foxxx, and the veteran Al Crotchino.
~ Curtis Mayfield, has died at the age of 57. From his early work with the gospel-tinged vocal group the Impressions to later songs that provided the soundtrack of the civil rights movement, he helped shape soul and rhythm and blues and influenced several generations of hip-hop artists.
Said hip-hop icon and opportunist, Puff Daddy, QUOTE: "I plan to honor Mr. Mayfield by looping a short phrase from one of his well-known works and adding to it my own off-beat vocals about expensive cars and ungrateful hos. Plus Id like to create a virtual duet with Curtis and Biggie. Ill call it SuperDead. See Im a pioneer, Im going to have the first all-deceased musical ensemble! Hmm, but concerts would be a bitch. Oh well, off to make a double album featuring Biggie, 2 Pac, Easy E, Jimi Hendrix, and John Lennon! Peace! Oh wait, can that Charlie Brown cartoonist, rap? I hear hes close to curtains.
-The Hog-Wild News Network International has been compiled from various sources including but not limited to the Daily Newspapers, Internet Findings, Popular Magazines, and your mom.
Reproduction of this newscast, such as charging admission for its retelecast while not offering a cold beverage, without prior written consent will be considered sexual harassment and is punishable by law, lawyers, and rednecks with shotguns.
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