Nub Spends $27,000 at Nudie Bar

by  HogWild

The state attorney general's office is investigating an Albuquerque topless bar after a customer's credit card was charged almost $27,000.

"Oh, I'm being exploited by big bad men! This is terrible! Now hand over $40 for the lap dance!"

Now, nub says he was taken advantage of because he was too drunk to know what he was doing. But witnesses are claiming they overheard him saying, “My wife is going to divorce me and what I'm spending here is half of her money anyway.” If you’re keeping score at home: 27 THOUSAND units at this Hooter Hang-out would equal more than 2,600 lap dances or over 5,300 adult beverages. Hot dang!

Dude must be seriously ho-NAY to be spending that many bacon bits in the Busty Bar. I mean, most men enjoy a good time at the Skanky Swanky Sweat Shop, but come on! $27,000 worth of fun?!!! Now you could say he was trying to get back at his wife for the divorce—so she’d get less money. But there are better ways to blow the wad—JEREMY! Stop with the lewd language! You big bloated . . .

Jeremy the Bloated Jew always interrupts me! But at least I don't have to see HIM dance in a thong!

Anyhoozers, how is that gonna look in Divorce Court? “Your Honor, I was always faithful to my Wife, and I feel I also deserve custody of the kids. What? Oh, that $27,000 I spent at Pub Pubeless Poonani? Well uh, it was Fraud! Yeah fraud! I was too trizzed to know what I was doing! Big Breasted Women took advantage of me and I didn’t like it! I didn’t like it one bit!”

Now if he still maintains a straight face through his testimony he not only deserves to win, he deserves a MEDAL. $27,000 bacon bits! DAAAAAAMN! That could send one of those poor, underprivileged SLUTS to College! Or more likely, pay for their next round of silicone surgical enhancements. Damn, I would have loved a shot at that 27 G’s! Hell, if he was so drunk, he wouldn’t even KNOW if it was a bunch of women, or merely a semi-hilarious comedian wearing a pair of beachballs under his shirt. That’s a lot of cash. FOX should give it another go at a bootleg Millionaire show. Who Wants to Spend $27,000 at a Boobie Bar? Men get on the show for a chance to win the money, and then shove it down the g-strings of the now unemployed actresses on 90210. After the Naughty Night of Nasty Nudies, they then get a drunken cameo arrest appearance on COPS. Then next year, their antics at the Bouncing Breast Club, will be featured on “America’s Slimiest Hornballs Caught on Tape!” With any luck, they will spin their unfortunate events into a slapstick appearance on Saturday Night’s NAD TV.

Yeth baby. I would have been YOUR Privates Danther for $27,000! My areola are a little hairy, but it's all real big boy!

How the hell do you liquidate mad funds like that? What did he do before he went? Go to the Bank and ask the Teller, “I’d like to make a withdrawal. 27,000 one dollar bills.” The normally stoic Banker is like, “Sooooo . . . gonna make it a night at the Jiggly Piggly? Or a WEEK?”

No way nub stuffed 27,000 ones into g-strings. Probably got carried away with one of the dancers and said, “You’re a good girl. Have this.” Bim pulls the paper out of her thong, and it’s a U.S. Savings Bond! Or maybe it was like, the Deed to his House! She was all like, “Thanks. For that, during your next lap dance, I’ll accidentally let my surgically numbed nipples graze your nose. And sad as it is, that might be the best 27 Grand this dope ever spent!