Trivia Host Slapdown 

by  HogWild

At a conference, Trebek said in a nasally and whiny Regis-like voice, mimicking a "Millionaire" Q&A, "What's the usual color of Post-its?" Then in the voice of a know-nothing contestant, he answered: "Uhhhhhh."  So basically Trebek goes on to call the contestants of Millionaire money hungry morons while maintaining that his contestants are not there for money, “they’re there for glory, [and] to show off their intellectual prowess."

Accurate description of Alex Trebek. Hold mouse over Alex for correct response.

WHATEVER! Okay, so Jeopardy contestants may enjoy bragging that they’re SuperNerds but I DO think they care about winning the bacon bits. Ever see how mad the 3^rd place person is when they find out all they won was the home version and a travel iron! All the nub has to show for his appearance is a stupid travel iron. And of course, since that’s all he has to show for it, he’s bragging to everyone. “See this traveling iron? Got it playing Jeopardy!” But everyone just responds, “Came in third, huh?”

But the best part is that Trebek brought up how Regis twice played Celebrity Jeopardy and twice came in last. Yeah, Alex, you’re real smart when you’ve got the answers in front of you! And it’s not like the Millionaire questions are easy. Yeah, the first few, but after it that it gets hard. Okay, so it’s not FINAL JEOPARDY hard, but at least the questions are INTERESTING! They’re tricky, or based on pop culture, or newsworthy. YOUR questions can be VERY dull. Like the categories I saw last night.

“Actresses from the Silent Film Era”

“Odd Shakespearean Sonnets” (only odd numbered poems)

“Famous Irish Potato Farmers”

“Sexy Physicists”

“Mathematical Theorems”

YAAAAAAAWN. And then there’s the uncomfortable banter with the contestants. Alex can't make small talk with the players to save his life. And it’s not like he hasn’t been prompted BEFORE-hand! “So I hear you enjoy baking your OWN bagels. Interesting, tell us more.” So she’s like, “Well, I used to always eat store-bought bagels and then one day my Husband says, Honey, why don’t we try to make our own bagels. So I went out and bought the bagel-maker and since then we only eat homemade bagels.” 

So now my ennui eyes are glazed over like Rosie O’Donnell’s breakfast donut. Alex’s response to her trite tale? “Interesting, very interesting. Well we hope your score today is much greater than bagel. Bagel of course being zero.”

Good GOD MAN! Stop the TORTURE! ENOUGH ALREADY! Just ask the stupid questions. Or give the answers, whatever! And what’s with this in the form of a question bulltish? What a gimmick! There’s no comparison here folks. Who has the better the gimmick, $1,000,000 in prize money versus, the inquiry reversal technique?

I’d like to see Alex Tre-drek be a contestant on Millionaire. $100 question, Alex would be like, “Well that’s a simple one. Too bad that wasn’t a Daily Double!” 

But then at the big money he starts struggling. “Wow, uh, we never play for THIS much cash on MY show. Uh, I guess I might as well take advantage of one of those Lifeline thingees. So Regis asks the usual, “would you like to take 50/50, Ask the Audience, or Phone-A-Friend?” I bet it would go like this:

Before each show the producers paint Regis' dentures with white acrylic paint

Alex: I’ll phone a friend.

Regis: Okay, fine. Our friends at the huge monopolistic phone company are dialing. Hmm, seems to be no answer. It would appear, Alex, that you HAVE no friends.

Alex: Hmm, well I was hoping mum would answer this time.

Regis: Okay, so you can choose 50-50 or Ask the Audience.

Alex: Ask the Audience? I think NOT! Not this bunch of domestic beer drinking buffoons! I bet half of them couldn’t even spell Jeopardy. I’ll go with the 50-50.

Regis: Okay fine. Now there are just 2 possible answers left. The current center square on Hollywood Squares is a) Whoopi Goldberg  or b) Carrot Top ?

Alex: Of course! I already KNEW it was one of THOSE two! What a terrible transgression THIS is!

Regis: Did you say there’s something wrong with your transmission?

Alex: Oh forget it you commoner clod! I’ll say . . . B, Carrot Top

Regis: Now is that your FINAL Answer, you cocky son of a bitch?

Alex: Did I STUTTER you nasally New York nincompoop?!

Regis: So is the Bogus Brainiac correct? . . . NO! YOU LOSE! YOU GO HOME WITH NOTHING!

Alex: NOTHING?

Regis: NOTHING!

Alex: Not even a travel iron?

Regis: NO! NOTHING!

Alex: God Dammit, I want my travel iron!!!