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Hog's Trip to the
Bahamas, Part 2: Topless women in the Bahamas
by HogWild
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My
wonderful bim turns to me as we’re walking along the
beach and says, “Look! A topless girl!” I’m like, “Where!
Where!” Drool has already begun spilling from my open jaws. My brain has
automatically shut down. It’s like, mentioning bare breasted hooters
is
equivalent to hitting ctrl-alt-delete on your PC and the screen says,
“It is now safe to shut off your brain, you babbling idiot.”
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 So
I’m looking around all frantic-like. And trust me, I don’t get frantic
very often. Enthused possibly, but not frantic. I HAD to find those shiny
naked boobies! Of course I should have known better. Please, whose wife
is SO COOL that they’d actually point out a delicious pair of
squeez’ums to their husband? The only time your bim does that is when
she’s trying to get you to take her to some stupid Julia Roberts
chick flick. “I hear she shows her tata’s in this one,” is the usual
bait. Of course she doesn’t, and you wasted another $20 units on some
movie that revolves around romance, sunsets and horses.
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Let’s
think about it in reverse though. Some muscle-head nub is walking down the
beach. Looks like he’s packing a lightning rod in his swim shorts. Do
YOU immediately notify your BIM of this? “Hey sweetie! Thought you might
want to take a look at this hunk who just walked of the Cover of Men’s
Health Magazine. Not only is he tan and buff, but I think his flavor
injector is three times the size of mine!” No. This would never happen.
So it was silly of me to think my woman would hook me up like that. But
I’m telling you, my brain turns off. So I’m just scanning the beach
for hooters. After 60 seconds I’m starting to doubt the veracity of my
bim's vision of nude knockers. But I look methodically under every beach
umbrella, at every bim in the ocean. But . . . AAAAAAAH!! I WISH
she had been lying now! There certainly WAS a pair of protruding pom poms,
but, EEEEW! They were flabby floppy hand bags of fat flesh! Oh God! It was
horrible! I instantly got a INVERSE erection! I think I might have impregnated
myself! Good God man! It was like 2 aging water balloons. Leaking and
stretched to the max. Actually, they were more like those sand bags they
have over the sides of hot air balloons. I think when she walked in the
sand her footprints were erased by her trailing droop-monsters. It’s
like, if someone was drowning out in the ocean, she could have thrown out
one of her super long tube sock breasts to save the person. Or if she were
swimming and was attacked by a shark, she could easily suffocate it by
tying one elephant trunk hooter around it’s neck. Daaaaamn!
I've been set up!
If you're going to use the ocean
as your bathroom, at least use a toilet seat!
Lizzy the Lesbian Lizard paid us a
visit on our porch. You'd be surprised what they do with a discarded
lollipop stick!
Hog is so stupid he confuses
rubbish with a sea shell. Then again, being from the Bronx, how the hell
WOULD he know the difference. Have YOU ever been to Orchard Beach?
Expert Dating Advice Videos by me -- HogWild -- professional dating advice: helpful and hilarious.
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I had to have my revenge. But how? I
had to wait. I had to surprise her. Bait her with something irresistible.
So as we walked towards the little shops in the resort I yelped, “Oh my
Goodness? Is that right?! Women’s shoes are 50% off! No way!” She
bought it all right. Except the joke was on me. Not only were shoes not
50% off, but she wasn’t fazed. She bought the shoes ANYWAY! AAAH! Foiled
again! |
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But man, these BFN’s (Big Fat
Nasties) have no shame. Rolls and rolls of no shame. It’s like when
people go on vacation they forget physics. This old lady is strutting
around in a t-shirt with no bra. So I did what any scientist should do, I
tapped her on the shoulder and whispered, “Gravity.” Yes gravity.
GRAVITY BITCH! Scoop your breasts off the ground and wear a bra! |
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And while I’m at it, parents, stop
letting your babies sun bathe nude! I’m trying to relax and get a tan
(which is hard to do when the sun has to penetrate 3 layers of dirt) and
this little baby is smiling at me. A BIG smile. Yes, her little buttcrack
is smiling at me. No! Ugh! That’s gross. Put a diaper on the poor kid
before she gets butt cancer! Teach the baby some shame or one day she’ll
be 103 walking around the pool with no teeth and no bra. |
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By now you must think the Bahamas
is
not all that. But contraire un frare in the soiled underwear. The Bahamas
is heaven. Oh it was so nice. We got 58 channels of heaven! Full cable TV
baby! And that’s not all! I couldn’t believe it. I have NEVER had this
luxury in my life--- EVER—not EVER--- NEVER! The Mets game and the
Yankees game were on at the same time on adjacent channels! Do you know
just how HUGE that is? I could easily watch my two favorite teams with
just one click of the remote. <CLICK!> Mets are batting.
<CLICK!> Yanks are batting. Amazing. First off, in Ohio I don’t
get to see them period. 2nd, third, and fourthly they're usually
on stations like 11 and 52. So to have them on back to back stations is
nothing short of a miracle. My bim showed her appreciation for this
miracle
by screaming, “Get your lazy ass out of bed! We didn’t come to the
Bahamas so you could watch TV!” Yeah right. Oh how the tables turned
when 7th Heaven came on. I was like, “We didn’t come to the
Bahamas to watch the WB! The only WB I want to see are Wet Bikinis!”
So
she splashed a cup of water on me and said, “Bikinis are in the
closet.” |
The View from that Hog never saw. The only View HOG appreciated was the one on HBO,
Showtime, Nickelodeon, ESPN . . . |
Oh the bikinis! The bikini bims I
saw. There was this one hot bikini bim. Blonde. Nice height. Boobs
that
could keep a small ship afloat. Long legs and—she had a wedgee!
Awesome.
Her tanned little buns were happy to see the world, “Hello world! Slap
me. Slap me hard! We’ve been BAD little buns. So so bad!” But then,
egads, she picked her wedgee! Uuuughhh! Nasty. Not only picked it, sent in the
Mars Explorer to DIG DEEP to the center of the planet! Oh man. I almost
had to turn away. |
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And there was this old man in the
pool with a hairy back. He soaked up like ˝ half the water! There were
FISH caught in his hairnet. Small children were trapped in his Chewbacca
body mane.
Oh, and don’t get me started with
the hair braiding. Give it up already! I don’t understand the Caribbean
school system. It must have been like, “for an elective you can take Metal Working
Shop, Computers, Art, Music, or Hair Braiding.” And apparently EVERYBODY
ran for Hair Braiding. In the Caribbean every woman knows how to braid
hair. They don’t even need to carry a passport when they travel. To
prove their citizenship they just need 45 minutes and a comb. And they
tried to rip off the foolish white tourists too. They were charging FIFTY
units! So let me get this straight, for 50 bacon bits you can me look
total white trash? Do you at least throw in a free WWF t-shirt? Daaamn!
White people, don’t get your hair braided. It looks as stupid as a black
woman in a blonde wig. It is NOT sexy. It is NOT exotic. It IS trashy.
Getting your hair braided is for bims who don’t want to wash their hair
for 3 weeks. It’s like, “If I tie my hair close enough to my scalp,
the lice larvae won’t be able to penetrate . . .” No. Now, one braid
is acceptable. A blonde bim with one braid with a bead on the end is
saying, “Do me. Do me because I’m on an island vacation and for once
in my life I want to be a SLUUUUUT!” As for nubs getting their hair
braided—if you don’t play electric guitar then forget about it. Those
guys can make it work because they’ve got groupies who’d suck their
sweaty nipples with horse radish just because they’re famous rock stars.
But you’re not. So don’t. |
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But
I was a little disappointed in my hair braiding friends. Not one of the
ladies would braid my underarm hair. I’m thinking, “my armpit hair is
all long and nasty anyway, plus I never wash it . . .” Clearly, they
were thinking the same thing. I offered them a decent amount of money to
do it too. I guess a pair of shiny quarters doesn’t go as far as it used
to. |
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