HOGWILD.NET semi-hilarious comedy: funny jokes and pictures
You don't realize how nasty your tish is until you get on the Beach. Mrs. P drags Hog shopping. The Straw Hat Lady. Bootleg TV. Hog gets stupid with dead birds and naked statues with big racks..
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|Hog's Trip to the Bahamas, Part 4: Bare Beach Realities and Bootleg TV|
I go to the ocean I love to play Beach Scavenger Hunt. Though I must admit
itís a lot more fun playing in New York. Our list in the Bahamas
included Cigarette butts, rubbers, sea shellsónothing out of the
ordinary. But when I play in New York, my Scavenger Hunt list is like: Box
of Soiled Medical Supplies, Used Hyperdermic Needles, Crack
Gold tooth, 3 eyed fish, sunken mafia guys wearing lead shoes . . .
our vacation to the Bahamas would not be complete if we didnít do our
part to contribute to the local economy in the way of buying bootleg
t-shirts and handmade straw hats. Youíve already seen from Part 3, the
price of Candy versus a Jammy Wrap. But the real deals are in the open air
sections where the mom-and-pop operations are. But first I had to employ
the horse blinders on Mrs. P. I love my bim but she can not stay FOCUSED!
Do you have to go into EVERY store?! Youíd figure thereíd be at least
ONE that didnít interest her.
This is the most bootleg souvenir ever! Since when does Sand in a Bowl need to cost 90 units! I'd rather get the infamous "snow shaker."
times are a changiní. We go this little tent because Mrs. P sees the most
adorable place mats. Please, Iíll take my old Captain America
place mats over some stupid straw ones any day.
But now these vendors are all modern- like. This lady is selling
straw hats, dolls, and mouse pads! And before she braids your hair, she
shoes you a computer generated simulation of how you will look! I was like
DAAAAAAMN! You work out of a tent but support international e-commerce?
Hog poses with the Straw Hat Lady. She braids a mean head of hair, plus she taught Hog a thing or two about CGI scripting on web pages.
Hog helps direct traffic at the Outdoor Mall. Or is he dancing to YMCA?
then the worst thing happened. Worse than the time I peed
myself on the
airplane. Worse than the time we found out our local ice cream truck
driver was selling weed in the vanilla ice cream cones. Poor Mrs. Pís
laxatives kicked in while we were at the Bootleg Bahamas Mall. I felt so
bad for her. Her 2nd most favorite past-time was being
spoiled by the squirts. (Her #1 favorite past-time is of course nagging
we went back to the Resort a bit earlier than planned. Aw, thatís too
bad. We couldnít spend the ENTIRE day shopping. Now STOP THAT! I know
what youíre thinking! Itís a Hog-spiracy! That HogWild slipped some
S.C.ís (Tish Crackers) in her food. That the Hog would do something so
underhanded, so evil, so very nefariously reprehensibly wicked
as to give
Mrs. P hot caramel so we would have to leave early. I DENY DENY DENY all
charges! I canít believe youíd even entertain such a thought. Bad you!
we went back and watched a little television, but nothing was on. So Iím
scanning the channels. Casually identifying possibly interesting shows
with my usual priority list: boobies, sports, cartoons. Thus making the
most desirable program: the Adult Japanese Anime, ďSuzi Suzuki and her Over-
Developed Girls Softball Team.Ē But ainít tish on! Until I stumble
over some serious bulltish! On ESPN2 (where else?) theyíre
actually broadcasting a Magic Tournament! LOSERS! For those who donít
know, Magic is this incredibly dorky, role-playing card game like Dungeons
and Dragons. Look, if you want to play that, fine. I realize that you were
probably ostracized from organized sports due to your sloppy corpulence and
facial complexion that mirrors a porcupine with bad acne. But that
doesnít mean they have to waste valuable Cable channels with it!
Seriously, I have no respect for ESPN 2. Clearly, theyíve run out of
sports to show. Since when is a CARD GAME a sport? Iíd consider
Dominoes a ďsportĒ before a card game. Whatís next, World Championship
Computer Solitaire? Totally Lame-o. Ladies Rollerblading is a sport before
Magic. Hell, SOCCER is a sport before Magic! But for real, during their
broadcast of the International Magic Tournament in New York City, they
actually showed instant replays! How the hell ya gonna show an instant
replay for a card game! I swear to JEHOVAH and all his witnesses, the nub
announcer was like, ďAnd here is the turning point of the match, Bruce
Lardass flips over the Enchanted Elf Card to reveal 30 bonus endurance
points, thus clobbering his opponentís chance of issuing a freeze-spell
with his Wizard.Ē LOOOOOOOOZERZ! Now, Iím not saying Iím not
a loser. Because I can sit in front of my computer for weeks at a time. I
actually make my friends into custom players for my Playstation sports
games. Yes, I am loser. I still love Linda Carter for her role as
Wonderwoman. I used to ďpracticeĒ to Dafney on Scooby Doo. I can name
all 7 layers of the OSI networking model. Yes, I am a loser. BUT! At least
I know not to embarrass my entire family participating in a dweeby role
playing card game on National TV where the Grand Prize is a Yearís
Supply of Jolt Cola and Anti-Zit Motion Lotion.
the best part of the Bahamas (and for me, any vacation) is the food. I was
eating non-stop. Some fish called Mahi-Mahi, steak, bbq chicken, salads,
cheese cake. I love me some Eats! Now you know my plan. I WANT to become a
major fat ass. The thing is, I canít do it until Iím rich. Because
broke and fat is Welfare Ghetto/Trailer Park Bootleg. But RICH and fat
to be a KING! Were not all the great Kings portly? Of course they were.
Itís a sign that youíre so wealthy, that you donít have to move. You
pay people to do everything for you. Plus it makes you more likable.
Because when youíve got mad bacon bits, normally people are jealous. But
if youíre also obese, they automatically assume you to be affable and
jolly. ďOh heís a GOOD King, heís fat and jolly! So what if his
Crown was made from the melted gold teeth of our grandparentsóheís
so--- Jolly!" Bill Gates, if youíre listening, fatten up a bit. It will
help your image. But I canít become super fat until Iím super rich.
Thatís why Iím in such a hurry to make the units. Thatís why you
must click on those banners! Do you want your Hoggy Hog to become a big
bloated POOR pig? No! Help me become a big, bloated RICH pig! Then I can
invite you over to my Castle for ribs and shish-ke-bob!
Hog suckles on a hairy Kiwi. Hog gets Homo Erotic.
Hog is most happy when eating or sliding in the playground.
thereís a reason I didnít blow up like Tootie on The Facts of
was a Butt Bulimic. Thatís right. I was vomiting from my ass every 2
seconds. I had the worst squirts down there. I donít know if it was
something in the water or what, but I had seriously nizASTY caramel. It
was making me all dehydrated too. So I was like, ďMust have more
the eating, the beach is always a good reason to go to the Bahamas. But be
ready for some heat. I got so much sun, I looked like a burnt penis. All
purple and red . . . capillaries ready to burst . . . you get the idea.
Damn it was hot. My chest hairs became a forest fire! My nipples
like melted candles. Ooh that would actually be kinda cool. A bim with
nipples like scented candles. Like Butterscotch or something. Yummy!
know, itís not Ďtil you go to the beach that your realize how nasty
tish is. During the winter you try to avoid the mirror in the bathroom.
Checkin' yourself out from the neck up only. Then when you get on the
beach you suddenly packiní an extra roll. Asking questions like,
did those hairs get there?Ē Thatís how I am. I was like, ďDamn, when
that tropical rainforest start growing in my armpit?Ē And then you start
inspecting even more carefully. I was in utter consternation when I made
THIS realization: ďMy nipples were never cross-eyed before!Ē But alas,
they were. No wonder Iím a slow reader!
sooner than you even want it, Part 5 of Hogís Trip to the Bahamas: Bims
on a "Get-A-Man Mission," and the Bootleg Talent Show.
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