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Elian Gonzalez, Escape from Commie Island

by  HogWild

Can we PLEASE settle this sich-ee-a-shun already! Goodness! By the time a decision is made, the boy will able to retire and live off Social Security! For you numbskulls who have boycotted current events, here is the breakdown of what is going on with this skinny little Cuban refugee. 

In Cuba (small Commie Island south of Florida), mom-dukes is like, “Damn, this Commie life sucks! We have no Freedom of Speech, no freedom of religion, and we have to listen to some old guy with a stinky beard tell us what to do! My skinny son deserves a better life than this.”

Just moments upon being 'saved' by his U.S. relatives, he is immersed into the mud of American imperialism. Note Tommy Hilfiger shirt.

So what does Moms do? She gets her Popsicle sticks together and makes a raft. She piles aboard with some relatives and sets sail for America. A not so funny thing happened on the way over, she like, died. Her raft of twigs and granola capsized, killing almost everyone. But not her son. So like the Coast Guard or somebody rescues her boy Elian, and brings him to the U.S. Okay, so if that’s not ENOUGH drama for the little skinny kid, Dad enters the equation.

Dad is all mad that mom took Elian and he decides to put the smack down. He’s like, “Ain’t no son of mine gonna be all free-like! I grew up a Commie, and so will my son! Back in my day, we couldn’t speak out against the Government—and we liked it! We were told by the Government what job to do and how much money we could earn—and we liked it! We weren’t allowed to worship God—and heck, we liked it! No son of mine is gonna go to America and get all those crazy ideas about Freedom!”

The Land of Civil Unrest and Chaos in the Streets. Not Cuba, MIAMI!

So meantime, Elian is chillin’ with relatives in Miami, Livin’ La Vida Loca. Enjoying life. You know how Aunts and Uncles can be. They’re spoiling their nephew. Allowing him to speak his mind. Worship as he pleases. Read. Ya know, basically go wild. This makes Dad even more infuriated. Dad gets Castro (stinky-bearded leader dude) involved. Castro is like, “If yawl don’t return Elian to Commie-Island I’m gonna grab a cannon out my big, stinky beard and blow up Miami.” Well, okay he didn’t say ‘yawl’ but you get the idea.

It is rumored that Castro keeps plans for Cuba's nuclear warheads hidden in his Commie-Beard, along with plastic forks, knives, and McDonald's Monopoly Game Pieces.

So now the question is, what should be done? Should the U.S. hand Elian over to his Dad in Cuba? Should the boy decide? I mean, his family in America really wants him to stay in the U.S., but Dad wants him back on Commie-Island. So the legal struggle continues. But as usual, the Hog will settle this quandary quickly and fairly with my unique brand of crass common sense.

Here’s what should happen. Elian should go back to Cuba with Dad. Now I know that’s an unpopular stance here in the U.S. You think “To heck with the Commies, keep him here! He’s not just another Spanish-speaking immigrant with no money—he’s cute!”

Young Elian is learning so much in his new American Elementary school. Like how to shoot a firearm!

But lookie, control of kids goes to the parents. Mom had control when she took him on the Popsicle stick raft to Florida. After Mama gargled a bellyful of salt water, custody goes to Papa. Sucks, but hey, it’s his Dad. Under U.S. law, Dad would have to proven to be incompetent for his son to be taken away. But this ain’t a U.S. case. It’s a Cuban case. 

It’s not like they’re sending him back to a Concentration Camp. They’re sending him to Cuba. And when he gets old enough, he can do like most Cubans do, make his own Popsicle raft and head over to Florida. Then he’ll be GUARANTEED a television mini-series and a book deal. It might even lead to him playing Ricky Ricardo in a revival of I Love Lucy. So in the end, it will all work out for the best.

Elian can live every Cuban man's dream: marry an obnoxious, loud American Red-Head!