It's Fun to Fondle Yourself in Public

by  HogWild

In Riverside, California these City laborers were caught on tape grabbing their crotches and yelling at girls passing by. Some nub was all like, “This is happening on tax payer time! I am outraged!” So he got his camcorder and taped the event. Damn. Where was this nub when our PRESIDENT was grabbing his crotch on tax payers’ time?

caught with his pants down on tax payers' time

Now, I don’t support sexual harassment or anything. A woman should feel comfortable in her place of work. But, this is more symbolic. This could put an end to lewd comments as we know it! What is more American than the construction workers in hard hats whistling at babes and yellling things like, “Nice Gams!” Or “you’re breaking my heart!” Or “I want to wear your panties as a face mask!” This accepted form of rudeness is as American as hot dogs, apple pie, and drunk Kennedys. To ban it would be Communistic.

“But what if it were your daughter being whistled at?” I’d congratulate her for being attractive. Because these muscle necks don’t whistle at just any body. When was the last time a guy in a cut off shirt and orange vest screamed, “Nice rolls sweetie! Let me slap your thighs and surf the waves!” Women must develop a kind of thick skin to put up with the childish behaviors of men. These outdoorsmen are your source for honesty. You want to know if you’ve still “got it?” Then walk down the street in a mini-skirt and see if they holler at ya. But what if they didn’t? What if they couldn’t? You would never know if you were still attractive. Like it or not, these sophomoric Neanderthals represent the last brutally honest people we have left in America.

But unfortunately, this case goes beyond the realm of accepted public nastiness. It was reported that at least one of the employees was laying in the grass and was fondling his crotch area. And yes, this was all caught on tape. Worse, they SAW the nub taping it and didn’t change their behavior.

I don’t understand how nubs can touch themselves in public. It takes a certain type of freak to be able to do this. Like a Pee-Wee Herman. I guess I can kinda understand it. The thrill of possibly getting caught. Like when you dry humped your girlfriend on her parents’ couch while her Dad was upstairs sleeping. The thrill of touching naked hooters for the first time compounded with the risk of getting your genitals blown away with her Father’s shotgun. That’s exciting. But like, when there’s not a significant other involved, it becomes very loser-like. If your significant other is named Palmela and she brought her five friends—that’s really sad. Remember how you hid in the closet to make out with your bim? Now you’re hiding in the closet at your place of employment to spank it. If you’re cleaning yourself up with Post-It notes, you are a FREAK! 

Like these neighbors of mine. Nice gay couple. Two nubs, got nice flowers outside. Pansies I think. But the one guy is a total Freakazoid. Not once, not twice, THREE times he’s been arrested for greasing his spit rod outside! Holy hand jobs! LOSER! Okay, so you tried it once and got caught. You were curious. Fine. It’s embarrassing. You learned your lesson. But no, nub does it AGAIN and gets caught. Then a THIRD TIME! He must have a fetish for Policemen or something. How can you get caught sticky handed three times? What a pre-vert!

Thank Moses I’ve never seen him in action. Thank Moses I never shook his hand! Thank goodness I never ate the Cherry Pie he baked us!

But the niz-astiest thing like that I’ve ever personally witnessed was in New York. I’m walking down the street, minding my own business. There’s this residentially challenged guy sitting up against a wall. All dirty. So I THOUGHT he was twiddling his thumbs. NOPE! He was wiggling his wiener! AAAAH! So gross. Now, I don’t know if this was some accepted grooming practice for Urban Nomads, but clearly his jammy should not have been exposed like that. 

So ladies, what I’m saying is, if a city worker whistles at you, take it as a compliment. If a homeless guy is twiddling his thumbs at you, run like hell!

 
Watch my helpful and hilarious Expert Dating Advice videos!