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Hog gets his Wisdom Teeth yanked, not his Jammy. Total Pain. Hog feels like Britney Spears-- read why. See all the jokes and funny pictures! 

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Hog Gets his Wisdom Teeth Yanked, not his Jammy

Oh my God. The agony. The pain. THE COMPLETE HORROR! Never, and mean NEVER get your Wisdom Teeth removed. Now I know Iím gonna piss a lot of you Dentists off with this little Rant. But too bad. It just hurt too damn much! 

 

And Iím no pansy-ass when it comes to pain either. Especially Dental Pain. I mean, there is the weekly pain of watching Will & Grace wondering why the hell NBC thinks this show is funny. But Iím talkiní REAL pain! My oral history is not good. This happens when your mother raises you on a breakfast of Frosted Flakesô floating in a healthy bowl of Dr. Pepper. Stupid mom! I KNEW licorice-flavored toothpaste was too good to be true! So my teeth have been rotting out of my mouth for a long time. And ya know whatís weird? My teeth are so messed up, but STILL they look better than most people who live in England. What the hell, itís like orthodontistry is forbidden as witchcraft over there. 

 

But back to me. Iíve had 4 root canals, countless cavities filled (I know what youíre thinking, so STOP IT! You damn pre-verts!) and Iíve gone through the worst Dental Pains imaginable. I mean, Iíve had Dentists look in my mouth and refuse me service. Kind of like an auto mechanic who just throws up his hands in defeat. Usually when I go to the Dentist, they take one look in my sewer of a mouth and (if they donít pass out from the toxic fumes) immediately call their travel agent, ďBook that flight to Hawaii. Daddyís about to get PAID!Ē

Good God! What is that smell? Did you gargle the Cuyahoga River?

The Dentist found fossils of old dinosaurs that had been trapped in the black tar pits that I call teeth.

 

So I know pain. Iíve had metal drills ripping out my gums, pliers tearing my teeth from their bloody sockets, and worseóthe Dentist making me smell my own breath! But this Wisdom Tooth tish--- DAAAAMN! Thing is, I always thought my ass was too stupid to GET Wisdom Teeth. I figured by not having a fully functioning brain, Iíd be spared the agony of Wisdom Teeth. No such luck. Seems as if us dumb people are doubly cursed.

Please don't feel me up while I'm asleep doc!

So they put you out for this deal. Stick an IV tube in your arm and youíre out. Now, being from New York City, Iím totally paranoid. I told Mrs. Potato-Head (my loving wife) to stay in the room so that I wouldnít wake up with my pants unbuttoned. Not that my Dentist would do that. I have no reason to believe he wanted to use a Dental Dam on my Jammy. Itís just that I donít trust anybody when Iím not awake. Thatís why I wore a cup. Thatís right, I wore a jock strap to the Dentist. Okay Iím a loser. But if a surgeon can carve his initials in your stomach while all his nurses look on, then an oral surgeon can perform ďoral surgeryĒ while Iím unconscious. 

 

Turns out when I wake up Iím totally delirious. Mrs. P was kind enough to remind me of this. She even provided me with a transcript of how retarded and incoherent I was acting. And believe me, Iím that way when Iím NOT heavily sedated, so you can imagine the grief I caused to everyone in the room. And to make it worse, Mrs. Pís mom was there too.

Hog wakes up in the wheelchair.

Hog: Hi, Mrs. Potato-Head. I love you. (Now you KNOW Iím under the influence of drugs!) I feel weird.

Mrs. P: My mother is here. She wanted to make sure you were okay.

Waaaaa! I'm on sedation! And I feel kinda ffffffunny. Duh. I like your nail polish. It looks yummy.Hog: Hi. Ya know they put me out. I bet back in your day they didnít give you drugs. They just knocked you over the head with a frying pan and that was it!

Mrs. P: Okay, weíre going home now.

Hog: Yeah, I bet in your momís day, they didnít even give her drugs. They just knocked her over the head with a frying pan and that was it!

Mrs. P: You said that already.

Hog: I love you. I love candy corn too. Why donít I ever get candy corn, except for Halloween? Did you know I used to dress up as Captain America for Halloween? Do they still make Captain America comic books? I like Spiderman the best. Those costumes were so cheap. I wore blue plastic pants through the Bronx and survived. Isnít that amazing?

Mrs. P: Um, okay.

Hog: Hi Mom! Did you know they knocked me out for this? I bet in your day they just hit you over the head with a frying pan and that was it!

Geeez, Iím annoyed just thinking about how annoying I WAS! 

 

I guess in a way, itís like being trizzed. Ya know, drunk, inebriated, bam-booze-illed, tish-faced, got the beer cheer, drunk as a skunk--- um, anyway, yeah, itís like being wasted because you have no social restraint. You just say anything you want and act like a fool. Except the bad part is, itís like being drunk and in bar fightóand you lost. Bad. Because after the drug-induced haze lifted off my dome, my tish was ACHING.

 

My jaw was so incredibly cramped. I felt like Britney Spears when she originally auditioned for all the record companies. Daaaaaaaamn!  No, I like Britney Spheres. Sheís cool. She paid her boobsóuh, dues.

Britney's "talent"

 

Then after the ďprocedureĒ (medical euphemism for torture) I got what they call a ďDry Socket.Ē I think itís what Hillary Clinton has. It hurt so bad. It means the nerves are exposed because your surgically-induced wound didnít heal correctly. So Iíve got these pain-receptors just looking for an excuse to slam a throbbing data packet up my spinal T1 line to my CPU. Holy Geekers. Where did that come from? I just went total Nerd on you. Um, it hurt. Have I said that yet? And it made me all cranky. I was mad at the world for like 3 weeks. I yelled at my beautiful and talented girl. I cursed out my mailman. I bit the dog. I was not a pleasant person to be around. Well, Iím usually not pleasant to be around but thatís in a odorific sort of way. But now Iím better. 

 

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