The Animal Shelter

by  HogWild

Me and Mrs. P went to the Pound to get her friend a kitten. Now, I’ve never been to an Animal Shelter so this was all new to me. But I thought it was a bit weird that, when Mrs. P was on the phone seeing if they had a kitten, the Animal Shelter people were like, “We have one, but there’s only 3 days left!” Apparently they “destroy” the animals after 3 days if no one claims them. 

What kind of promotion is THAT?! I’m imagining like a car dealership commercial on TV except for kittens and puppies.

“Come on down people! We’ve got the new 2001 models of your favorite puppies! Labs, Greyhounds, Huskies, we’ve got them all! And did someone say Kittens! We’ve got cuddly kittens, furry kittens, obedient kittens, playful kittens, cute kittens, ugly kittens, all kinds of kittens! But you have to hurry down because this sale won’t last long! Just THREE DAYS LEFT! That’s right just 3 days until we replace our loveable inventory with the newest imports and domestics! Just THREE DAYS until we torch the little bastards! Three days until we crunch the kitties and puree the puppies! Just 3 days until the Bull Dog BBQ! 3 Days until Siamese Cat on a Stick! That’s right, unless you want these cute, adorable kitties to become Beef and Broccoli at Hong Wong’s House O’ Tasty Pets, then you’d better buy NOW!”

And it didn’t help that they had a BBQ pit right in front of the building! No joke! And it looked like they had smokestacks and some sort of holding chamber where gas was discharged. JEREMY! Damn it Jeremy! I hate when you embellish the story like that! Damn Jeremy the Bloated Jew always interrupts me during my Rants!

ANYWAY, the other thing I don’t understand is why do these Canine Cops have to wear bootleg military uniforms? What the hell is with that? It’s like, you run around catching stray mutts all day. That doesn’t seem like the sort of occupation that commands the respect of Stars and Stripes on your shirt. But the nub we were dealing with had 3 stars on his Army green shirt and a whole bunch of stripes on his sleeve. He was like Sergeant Hot Dog or something. Captain Cat. General Dwight D. Eisenhounder. And this guy was a FREAK. He like expected me to SALUTE him or something. When we walked in he was standing at attention and he saluted me. And then in his stern, gruff voice, “Hi there soldier. Is there a rescued animal that you are seeking to nurture?” I was like, “Um no. Because I think it crawled up your tight butt and DIED.” 

Gosh dilly, CHIIIIILL. Ain’t no Canine Cop gonna give ME an attitude. I mean I respect what they do and all—rubbing down the doggies with anti-flea massage oil. Scrubbing doggie privates clean. Flossing the teeth on stray cats. I mean that’s all noble and stuff but it doesn’t earn you the right to wear combat boots. You don’t see the help at PETWORLD in the mall coming up to you in full RAMBO regalia. NO! They’ve got on a red shirt with some parakeet poopy stains. And they’re like 16 years old. So this 40 year old nub with the buzz cut really needs to get a grip. Well, then again, he works with dogs, so maybe that’s not the best idea.

But anyhoo, the saddest thing were all these caged animals. These poor puppies were yelping and crying. The cats strutted their stuff like cute little whores, knowing their days were numbered. These cats in their cages, walking back and forth, desperately trying to get attention was seriously like watching 62 year old hookers with red wigs and black pumps trying to hide the varicose veins on their sagging tube socks they claim are still breasts. Just sad.

But the IRONY of the situation is when you actually attempt to PURCHASE an animal. It’s like we’re at the checkout and Admiral Mutt Face is like, “Before I can let you have this Cat you must answer a few simple questions. Do you promise to treat this animal with love and kindness?”

Hmm. Well, everything is RELATIVE, right? I mean, compared to the way YOU’RE gonna treat it in 3 Days, sure! I’m gonna treat it better than spearing it on a tall stick a setting it on fire. No problem. I’m sure my treatment of the animal will be a better situation than the blazing inferno of death that YOU had planned.

So I learned a lot from this experience. And clearly, the best way to get a new pet is to get it from the Animal Shelter. It’s cheaper, nicer, and EVERY CAT AND DOG MUST GO! Just 3 DAYS to LIVE! It’s the 3 DAYS TO LIVE SALE! Going on NOW at your local pound!