HOGWILD!

RANTS

This Election is Bootleg!

This Election is ridiculous. Why is the nation that has the technology to put a man on the moon still punching holes in paper when it comes to voting? I know in the past I’ve said that the Internet should only be used for FNP (Free Net Porn) and that everything else was just slowing it down. But I have to make an addendum—emphasis on the dum.

Why can’t we use the web to vote? Just point and click. If you don’t have a computer at home you can go to the voting booth and use one of the public terminals. It’ll be as easy as using a Money Machine. Big graphical buttons. A confirmation screen. And a security system to make you sure you can’t vote twice. This ain’t hard to do! But you know what? The politicians—Gore and Bush both got what they wanted in a perverse way. Every year they beg us to come out and vote. Now the Devil finally granted their wish. More people voted. But who were those extra voters? That’s right. The STUPID voters.

Normally less than half of the people exercise their democratic privilege. This is a GOOD thing. That means most of us don’t care. This is also good. That way when something horrible happens—like this farce of an election—we don’t go rioting in the streets. Because we don’t care! If this was India, the world’s largest democracy, every one of the BILLION citizens would vote. And since I’m sure they use the same 3^rd World Voting System as us, they would be shooting each other when the results became convoluted.

So you politicians got what you asked for. Stupid, dumb, crippled and crazy all voted in Florida. Look, if you’re TOO STOOOOPID to know how to pop a hole in a piece of paper, then you shouldn’t be voting anyway! If those people had to expend all of their mental faculties trying to figure out HOW to vote, then imagine the rest of their day. They were so strained in the brain from voting they could no longer remember the recipe for their lunch time macaroni and cheese. “Hmm, I have the cheese. Now what do I do?! Oh, I’m so confused!”

We’re lucky that during this fiasco no one has tried to intervene in our affairs. Basically, we’re lucky that no one else acts like WE DO when we find a country that can’t get it’s act together. I mean really, look at our election. I’ve seen 6^th Grade class officer elections run with more fairness. Pepsi conducts their annual “Coke vs. Pepsi Blind Taste Test” with more accuracy then our national election. If we don’t resolve this bulltish real soon, we’re going to be seeing this article in the newspaper:

AOL-TIMEWARNER TO TAKE OVER U.S. GOVERNMENT

Citing a desire to increase shareholder value, AOL-TIMEWARNER (NYSE: AOL) CEO Steve Case orchestrated a corporate take-over of the U.S. Government (AMSE:USA).

“We believe the United States to hold significant profit potential. To maximize future earnings they need clear leadership to bond synergies within the organization. Being that their board has failed to elect a new Chairman, we feel the time is right to absorb them into the AOL-TW family,” commented Case at a press conference announcing the first ever FCC approved merger between corporation and a government.

A U.S. Senator who spoke on the condition of anonymity agreed that bringing the strong U.S.A. brand with its world famous bald-eagle logo and powerful international presence under the umbrella of AOL-TW properties will be a boon to stockholders.

The two candidates for CEO/President were predictably upset. Gore, a Vice President who had been with the organization for over 14 years called the process “unfair and undemocratic.” George W. Bush, a relative newcomer to U.S. Government felt he was assured the job because his father previously held the position.

But the market felt otherwise. News of the acquisition sent AOL-TW stock skyrocketing. Charles Johnson, an analyst at Payne Webber, noted that “now that AOL-TW has the U.S. Government in its stable, it can self-approve any further acquisitions while heavily regulating its competition.”

Remarked Case, “This frees us of the enormous cost of buying legislation since starting today, we own it.”

I’m telling you ma Hogz and Hoggettes, we are soon to see this happen if we don’t get our tish together!

Now if you read my previous Rant on this topic you know I voted for Al Whore just so we would see a Jewish Vice-President. But I really don’t like either candidate. But Bush won. It’s over. Al needs to pack his bags and head back to Tennessee. Um well, actually, they don’t like him too much down there, so maybe he should do what he’s best at and move to New York so he can stand behind the Clintons and clap and nod. 

It’s his own damn fault. Two term president. Best economy ever. The V.P. should win the election EASILY. If Al Gore wasn’t such a cyborg he would’ve won. He got beaten by a cokehead with very little political experience. Sad.