*** I UPDATE EVERY DAY! ***
HERE'S WHAT'S NEW TODAY! Oct 6
Dating Advice: "This guy rejected me so I moved on. But when I saw him again, I realize I still like him. What should I do?"
First of all, don't ever ask a guy out. Get him to ASK YOU out. Guys will ask you out if they are attracted to you AND they think you will say yes.
Because guys are scared of getting rejected.
THINGS GUYS ARE SCARED OF
- getting rejected
- losing our testicles in a testicle-grinder
- being attacked by bears... homosexual bears
MY LATEST SEMI-HILARIOUS COMEDY
Cartoon: "What would be your Superpower?"
 I went on a date with this girl and she asks me this stupid question...
Baseball Playoff Predictions: Jimmy Rollins will Trash Talk to the Big Jug of Gatorade
The Phillies will get smashed in the next round, leaving Jimmy Rollins to trash-talk to no one but the big jug of Gatorade.
JIMMY ROLLINS: Gatorade, you suck! We’re going to crush you! I’m gonna take you deep!
BIG JUG OF GATORADE: ______
JIMMY ROLLINS: Yeah, that’s right! You’d BETTER not say anything!
BIG JUG OF GATORADE: ______
JIMMY ROLLINS: Oh, so you’re ignoring me?! C’mon Big Jug of Gatorade! Give me your best shot! C’mon! That’s it! I’m gonna chug you all down! <GURGLE GURGLE GURGLE! CHOKE! GAG!>
JIMMY ROLLINS: All right, Big Jug of Gatorade! You may have got me THIS time, but just wait 'til next year!
Dating Advice: "What is the best way to accelerate from casual dating to a relationship?"
(VIDEO + TEXT) BE pleasure. Everyone's got problems. Make her feel amazing when she's around you. Make her forget all her problems.
You know you're doing it right if she says something like, "You know, I've been having so much fun with you tonight that I totally forgot about my brain surgery tomorrow morning."
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: "I'm afraid I'll be a bad dad because..."
 I'll have a daughter and...
Dating Advice: "Where can I find a hot guy who is sensitive and won't cheat with another girl?"
You can find this kind of guy modeling underwear, or serving cocktails to older men in San Francisco, or acting in romance films with titles such as: Ass Pirates of the Caribbean, Splatatouille, Trannyformers, The Butt Ultimatum, and Hung Fu Panda.
Hey, you didn't say he had to be straight! :)
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: "Growing up, my dad once caught me masturbating..."
 No words were said. Just this face...
Dating Advice: "Things were going great until I told the guy 'my number.'"
(VIDEO + TEXT) Girls, do NOT reveal your number! Even if he asks!
DUDE: So... how many wieners have you swallowed in your, uh, pen!s fly trap?
YOU: A lady never discusses such things.
DUDE: True, true. So... how many?
YOU: I'm not very experienced*, if that's what you're asking.
* Experience is all relative. Not very experienced compared to who? A basketball groupie? A p*rn star?
Just say you're not that experienced, even if you've seen more wieners then a Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Even if...
Cartoon: "I Love Sex First-Thing in the Morning! Because..."
 What's my favorite part?
The Empire Strikes Out: NY may be Shut Out of Playoffs
New Yorkers get excited about very few things. One of those things is baseball. For New Yorkers, UNEXCITING: Some crazy dude is break-dancing half-naked while juggling lit firecrackers and singing “New York, New York” on the subway platform. EXCITING: The subway actually arrives on time.
U.S. Financial Crisis! The HogWild Plan for How the Gov't can Save Money + Raise More!
New source of tax revenue! The Government should finally give-in and legalize marijuana so it can profitably tax the sale of this popular and mostly harmless drug. Pfizer will be purchase the rights to sell it exclusively and market it as the anti-anxiety pharmaceutical ---- Splifficor. Or call it, hmm, how about... Xanadoobie.
In a related move, potato chips, pizza and cookies will be taxed higher after 10 pm.
Cartoon: "When I was a teacher I got in trouble because..."
 It wasn't my fault! :)
Dating Advice: "I want to date this girl in my office. How do I get her more attracted to me?"
(VIDEO + TEXT) Here is what you need to do:
At the next big office meeting when everybody is together, stand up and proclaim, "I'm quitting! Because I love THIS girl!" while pointing at her. Then drop to one knee and say to her, "Since we no longer work together, will you marry me?"
She will be so touched that her eyes will turn red and weepy. And she won't even care that you proposed with a box of paperclips instead of a ring.
Then she'll throw her arms around you and begin choking the...
Cartoon: "I had a girlfriend who was so jealous she even got jealous of the..."
 Girls, no matter how jealous you get, this girl was 10,002 times more jealous!
Dating Advice: "How do I get the guy I like to be more attracted to me so he asks me out?"
(VIDEO + TEXT) A guy wants to feel like he has a highly desirable girl and that she only likes him. Basically you are stroking his ego until he gets an Ego-Boner. Now the big secret is...
Cartoon: "I was with a girl who didn't like to have sex while..."
 Is this wrong? I don't think so! :)
Tom Brady Out for Season: Here's what he should do to Pass the Time
OK, so Tom Brady can have any of today’s hottest chicks. Big deal. To make it more of a challenge, we should send him on a Scavenger Hunt of Hot Chicks of Yesteryear...
Dating Advice: "My man is too needy! What should I do?"
Give it back to him! Jump into air, spread your arms wide, fly through the air and land on his face. Let your entire body weight flop on him.
HIM: Can't. Breathe. You're smothering me to death!
YOU: No, I'm LOVING you!!!
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: Did you have a teacher who did this?
 Only a teacher could get away with this.
Dating Advice: "I want to date my friend but I'm not sure if he feels the same."
He might be hesitating because he's afraid it would ruin your friendship.
Except you don't want a friendship. You want a fruckship. That's a friendship plus, ya know, frucking. :)
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: "You know who's gay?"
 You'll never guess! :)
Dating Advice: "Things were going great but then he stopped calling me."
(VIDEO + TEXT) POSSIBLE REASONS HE STOPPED CALLING...
- He had a girlfriend at the time and now he doesn't.
- Before making a decision to call you, he had to get the approval of the United States Congress
- He was abducted by little grey creatures who enjoyed probing his ass. You know, homosexual senior citizens.
The point is...
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Dating Advice: "What are the signs you should break off a relationship?"
(VIDEO + TEXT) You may discover that your boyfriend has the disgusting habit of looking at p*rn... while picking his nose. And you find it totally rude that he does this at the dinner table.
+ Find out how to put the excitement back in your relationship!
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: "I had a girlfriend who complained, 'You always %^$# me, you never make LOVE to me...'"
 So the next time we had sex...
Dating Advice: "My boyfriend is torn between me and his kids who hate me."
HOW TO GET IN THE GOOD WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND'S CHILDREN
- Communication is key.
Explain to them like this, "I'm not here to replace your mommy. No one could ever do that. She's a beautiful woman who loves you very much. And she's a wicked slut.
"That's why your daddy dumped her ass and chose me instead. So remember, I'm not trying to replace your mommy. Just think of me as the nice lady who is tongue-kissing your daddy's romance-rod. Oh, I see you're turning green. Not to worry! I brought barf bags! Because I care."
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: "You know what the WORST picture of you is?"
 It's when you're right on top of the...
Dating Advice: "This guy flirts with me but when I told him that I liked him, he made up a story that he had a girlfriend."
The only reason a straight guy flirts with you is because he wants something. If it's not sex, then it's a promotion or your math homework or your potato chips.
Or he could be...
Cartoon: "I hate the wiener hole that they put in the front of guy's underwear!"
 Who's using that?!!
Dating Advice: "My man will only have sex while drunk. When I complained, he left me. I want him back!"
(VIDEO + TEXT) Maybe he needs to get drunk to forget that he's married with 2 small goldfish named Finnigan and Flapagan. And they would be devastated if they knew he was out chasing your tail instead of theirs.
How can you get him back? Reassure him that...
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: "Girls, sometimes after sex, it feels so good to us that we..."
 This girl wasn't havin' it! :)
HogWild's NFL Drinking Game + NFL Predictions
* 1 shot: Every time the announcers mention a player who has been arrested for a felony
* Interception = take the drink out of your friend’s hand and toss it back!
* Player celebrates in the end zone = You make a celebratory noise from YOUR end zone!
Dating Advice: "Does my co-worker like me? I think I might like him but he's married."
Dating someone at work can get complicated. Dating a married man is VERY complicated. Dating a married man at work is a damn crossword puzzle inside a sudoku puzzle that's trapped inside tangled up headphone wires.
Serious Dating Advice + Seriously Twisted Humor.
Cartoon: "My ex-girlfriend demanded to know my email password so I..."
 Ask and ye shall receive! :) |
