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Boston Sports are #1, Boston Pop Singers Stink Like #2

boston fans

Justin Sanders


Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: I’m trying not to be a hater right now but I have to be honest, I really don’t like Boston right now. Why? Because they’re so freakin’ good at sports that it’s driving me crazy.

However as crazy as Boston’s success is making me, it’s got to be ten times worse for New York fans.

HOG: I was so torn. As a New Yorker, it's hard to bring myself to root for Boston. But then again, how can I cheer for Kobe Bryant and the Lakers? The best thing that could happen is while leaping up for a dunk, Kobe smashes his head on the rim and his giant ego erupts out of his broken skull, boiling all the Celtic players alive.

If it weren’t for the Giants winning the Super Bowl I’m guessing that New Yorkers would be plummeting from Manhattan rooftops like the poor bastards in The Happening!

Wait a minute, was that a current reference from me? My God I’ve got a current reference and it’s been almost one paragraph without me mentioning a washed up boxer who likes to bite people’s ears off. The world MUST be coming to an end and damn it, it’s all the city of Boston’s fault.   

HOG: This is the Golden Age of Sports for the city of Boston. They are kicking ass in the Big Three American sports. They’re unstoppable. What’s next? The Hot Dog eating champ will be from Boston? Or the next Miss America will be from Boston. But with Good, comes Evil. And that evil is embodied by the 5 Boston pop singers who have come back from the recording grave to re- form the New Kids on the Block. Aaaaahhh! Nooooo!

Boston, no matter how good your sports teams are, you will NEVER live down being responsible for NKOTB!!!

JUSTIN: Oooooh ooooooh oooooh Ooooooh oooh, We're Hangin' Tough!
They should play that song at the Celtics Parade!!!!

After the Celtics ripped the heart out of a Lakers team that played softer than the Washington Generals, the city of Boston accomplished one of the most successful runs in sports history. The Red Sux won the World Series, the Cheatriots went 18-0 before choking like a hippie taking a bong hit, the Bruins made it to the playoffs and the Celdicks won the NBA Finals.

HOG: Name-calling. Very mature, butt-face. :) HA HA HA!

Look man, I give Boston props. They’re killing it right now. But this won’t last. The Giants already knocked off the Patriots and maybe just maybe the Knicks will knock off the Celtics.

HA HA HA HA HA! Ooooh! That was a good one!

JUSTIN: The closest any city has ever come to that kind of success was the city of Philadelphia in 1980-81 when the Flyers, Eagles, Sixers and Phillies all made it to the Championship.

Of course the Flyers choked against the New York Islanders, the Eagles got spanked by the Oakland Raiders, and the Sixers were beaten by the Los Angeles Lakers. Only the Phillies had the balls to come through in the clutch beating the Kansas City Royals (see they haven’t always sucked) in the World Series. Which explains why Philly fans are so bitter that they once booed Santa Claus at an Eagles game!

HOG: Yeah, Philadelphia is an angry city. People say New York is an angry city, but that’s not true. We’re just busy and you need to get the hell out of our way! We’re aggressive. But Philadelphia people will take their time to stab you over and over.

1 - Philadelphia
2 - Boston
3 - Tehran, Iran
JUSTIN: Boston's not mad, dude, THEY'RE HANGIN' TOUGH!
What pisses me off is that Dallas isn’t even close to ever dominating all four major sports like Boston did.  

Wait, Boston is dominating UFC?! Because I KNOW you’re not suggesting that hockey is the 4th most popular sport. It’s either Ultimate Fighting or NASCAR.

Whoa! Genius strikes!

They should COMBINE Ultimate Fighting with Auto Racing! It makes perfect sense!

ANNOUNCER: “Here comes Earl Pinkneck in the #23 Beef Jerky car — oh no! He’s cut off by Dale Inbred, Jr.! Earl jumps out of his vehicle! Road Rage! Earl pulls Dale out of his #45 Wal-Mart/Tide/McDonald’s/Tampax car! He’s got him in a choke hold and he’s throwing his fist into his liver!

JUSTIN: The Cowboys are good and will win their Super Bowls eventually (they’ve got Five already), the Mavericks had their chance in '05 and blew it, the Stars were close but no one was beating the Red Wings this year and the last decent pitcher the Rangers had was Nolan Freaking Ryan 15 years ago so they ain’t winning sh!t. Now if you'll excuse me I have to go pound my head against the wall.

HOG: Yeah. Your teams suck. Texas really sucks right now. You guys aren’t even good at drilling for oil any more. I say re-employ all your Texas athletes to work in the fields to find us some more oil to get our gas prices down!

Actually, the REAL competition isn’t between your Texas sports teams and my New York sports teams. The real rivalry is: Who is greedier? Your Texas Oil companies or my New York Banks. That’s a close call. Both really f*cked up this year.
JUSTIN: HogWild's hood, New York,  is one of the biggest cities in the world so they have more teams to vie for championships. However, the Knicks suck harder than Tera Patrick, the Yankees are so desperate for pitching that they’re picking up alcoholic Ranger pitchers, the Mets just fired their coach at 3:00 a.m. after Omar Minaya got back from clubbing all night, the Giants are looking good but lost a bunch of players and the Jets are too busy tattling on the Patriots to ever get their sh!t together.  So while we all know that New York Baseball teams will eventually get it together don't go holding your breath for any of the other teams.

HOG: I didn’t realize that’s why the Mets General Manager announced the firing of his Manager at 3 am. HA HA HA! He was out all night grinding with ho’s. He was getting a lap dance in the VIP section, poppin’ bottles, when he was like, “Oh damn! Girls, hold on. I need to fire my Manager. Let me send him a text...”
So to all of the readers of this column please join HogWild and me as we boycott all things Boston until there are no more Boston Champions left.

Make fun of anybody you see wearing a Boston hat that isn’t from Boston. Seriously, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask someone wearing any Boston paraphernalia (woo! big word) if they are from Boston or just “Fake ass bandwagon riders”.  And most importantly if you see a Boston fan make sure you remind them how their football team blew the chance to go undefeated by losing in the Super Bowl. Is it petty? Yes. But will it make you feel better?  You’re damn right it will!

HOG: And to our readers in Boston... keep hangin’ tough!

Everybody's always talkin' 'bout who's on top.
Don't cross our path 'cause you're gonna get stomped.
We ain't gonna give anybody any slack.
And if you try to keep us down we're gonna come right back,
and you know we're
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
 Are you tough enough?
Hangin' tough, hangin' tough, hangin' tough.
We're rough.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

the fonzWant a kick-ass comedy show for your college or party? Email me for details.

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Boston pictures, jokes: Boston Sports are #1, Boston pop singers stink like #2. Funny Rants, Dirty jokes + Twisted Humor.  
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