Weapons of Mass Conversion: New Tactics for Religious Regime Change

Wouldn’t it be easier if everyone believed in exactly the same things we do? And by we, we don’t mean us, we mean right-wing Christians! It sure would cut down on arguments about the after-life, what rules to follow here on Earth, and what animals are allowed to be served on your dinner plate! HogWild's undercover journalists have discovered that the Bush White House has authorized a secret project to build Weapons of Mass Conversion. That way, people all over the globe will think and act just like He does! And by He, we mean George W. Bush!

1) Neutron New Testament Bomb

Art Note: A crowded city street full of people. Except all of their heads have exploded. They are walking around with no heads. Brains are splattered everywhere.

When detonated it radiates His message, obliterating all free will and rational thought.

2) Missionary Missile Defense

Art Note: A man answers his door. Standing there is a woman who hands him a small booklet. Suddenly a red laser beam shoots the booklet into flames.

As soon as a pamphlet for Jehovah’s Witnesses hits the air, it will be destroyed by the INTLRNCE beam.

INTernational
Laser
Response to
Non
Christian
Evangelism

3) Propaganda

Art Note: Carrot Top is on TV. He goofily says, “Dial down the crucifix!” Just like in the 800-CALL-ATT commercials, the numbers light up as he dials them. Except instead of “Dial down the center”, the buttons on the phone light up in the shape of a cross.

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4) Hard-nosed “Diplomacy”

Art Note: We are in the big room of the United Nations. At the podium, Bush and Powell are holding documents screaming, “We have proof!” The ambassadors for Israel, Nigeria, India, and China are pissed.

America plans to pressure the U.N. to draft Resolution Jhn 3.16, that Jesus is the one and only Savior. 

5) Cultivate a new aggressive message targeted to teens.

Art Note: We are in a high school. A Jewish kid (wearing a Star of David) is surrounded by 4 tough-looking kids. But these tough guys are all wearing crucifixes and holding bibles. One kid says to the Jew, “If you weren’t such a pussy, you’d accept Jesus as your Lord!”

6) Economic Sanctions

Art Note: Bush is on TV explaining his new economic stimulus plan.

My tax cuts will help ALL Americans. I would like to see a fair flat tax. 5% on Christians. 10% on Jews. 15% on Muslims. 20% on other wacky faiths. This will encourage further investment in the Church and eventually create jobs for everyone. Plus, your vehicle will be tax-deductible if you have one of those bumper stickers that’s a fish inscribed with the word Jesus.

7) Chemical Warfare

Art Note: a bomb with the chemical formula [CH₂ + R + I₄ + St] is dropped from a fighter jet.

If the power of the Lord is not enough to convince people, then perhaps chemical warfare is. Note to Nerds: You may not recognize the elements R and St from your “standard issue” periodic table. Sorry we can’t tell you more. It’s classified.

8) Hard Rockin’ Religion

Art Note: on stage is a rock band. One kid in the mosh pit who is body surfing screams, “I feel like I’m walking on water!”

Catchy rock songs will have teenagers chanting the lyrics and before they know it, they’re believers!

9) Holy Land Mines

Art Note: an image of St. Peter sings to a startled boy.

Step on one and BAM! A hologram of a Saint rises and recites a psalm.

10) Reverse Psychology

The government will hire the same company that makes the teen anti-smoking ads to make anti-Christian commercials.

11) Crucifix Satellite

Art Note: a huge shadow of a crucifix blankets Asia.

There are plans to partially block the sun with an orbiting cross in order to baptize the world.