The Circus

by HogWild

For every child that runs away to be a Circus clown, there are TWO that are permanently enlisted on the Poopy Patrol. Do you still want to join the Circus Johnny?

But we actually went to a real, live Circus. Yes, I know the Circus is for 3 year olds who aggressively seek out tooth decay in the form of sugary pink fluff, but it was REALLY cool. As a "big kid" I can really appreciate the things these performers do. Plus I really like to watch muscular, agile men do flips in tight spandex pants!

I mean, I was getting kinda uncomfortable. Julio is all in this tight TIGHT stretch one-piece-suit. Suit so tight, if he tried to fart it would well-up in his ass and implode. You’d see a pained, contorted look on his face, but you wouldn’t smell a thing. It’s all contained in the suit. Julio’s suit would blow up like a balloon and he’d float up the Big Top. They’d have to shoot the cannonball man to get him down.

Why do they have to wear such tight suits? Is it really necessary for us to see every bump on his bottom? Nub better wipe REAL well. Because in that suit, everyone will know if you got a dingleberry!

So Julio is standing there. All smiles with his 13 Family members from Peru. His package all out there. Package looked so big, 2 dudes in brown uniforms came rushing in and stamped UPS on his jammy. Daaamn! A man’s grapes were not meant to be all squished up like that. Coulda made some goddamn wine with squished grapes like that.

And it’s uncomfortable for a man to look at. The whole time I can’t appreciate the act, I’m stuck thinking, "Hmm, would my jammy look like that in those pants? I bet he fiddles his stick before gets on stage." This nub is up on the flying trapeze with his family members swinging from his ding-a-ling. They didn’t need a safety net! I’m sure his shlong-dong would STRETCH out so they could grab on before they hit the ground.

But it was a great experience. The best part were the animals. Got these dogs jumping through hoops, dancing in tutus and whatnot. Man, I can’t even get my dog to stop licking himself. I’m like, "Come on Dog. Roll over. Roll over!" <SLURP> "Okay, lick your hairy grapes! Now ROLL over!" You know how EMBARRASSING that is? I’m like, "Well he’s a very CLEAN dog. My dog does NOT have a dirty dick! No siree. He’s deaf in one ear and blind in the other, but his jammy is IMMACULATE.

Then they had this elephant at the Circus. Poor wrinkled up pachyderm. His skin just looked awful. I was screaming out from the audience, "DO YOU WANT SOME LOTION?!" Legs so messed up, looked like he drop-kicked an giant ashtray. Poor elephant looked like Bill Clinton just got through with him. Oh man. I just realized. That was no ashy pachyderm, that was Monica Spewinsky! Wow. She looks a lot better when she’s de-tusked.

Then they had these beautiful horses run out. And people say the Circus is cruel to animals. That’s a bunch of bulltish! These horses had nicer hair then ANY bim I ever dated. I mean, luxurious and shiny. A rich, full mane of flowing sunshine. Okay, you animal-sex perverts can pull your hand out of your skivvies now. But for real, these horses looked GOOD. Even Mrs. Potato-Head was impressed. She went up to them after the show and was like, "So do you use an all-in-one with conditioner, is it available in stores?" Damn snobby horses had the nerve to neigh and turn up their nose. I was so livid! I shouted them down. I said, "Do you know who I am? I am the creator of HOGWILD.NET, a pre-IPO Internet Entertainment Company. You know who YOU are? A washed-up, rotten-apple eating pre-GLUE FACTORY, overgrown DONKEY! That’s right. You’re part of the ASS family!" I quickly shut up however, when Mrs. P reminded me that, I too, am a member of the Ass family.

But the best part of the Circus was the Clown. Some circuses (or Circii) have a bunch of fools run around in make-up calling themselves Clowns. But this Circus was a little different. Just ONE guy dressed as a fool in make-up. Yes, our Circus starred Ru Paul. He was great. Running up poles and falling down. Getting hit in the face with dung. Tripping over his own shoes. That my friends, is entertainment. The ability to make people laugh without so much as even talking. Now I can do that too, but this guy didn’t even have to drop his PANTS!

Rappers, The Insane Clown Posse, got their start as regular Bozos trying to make a living. Have things really changed?

It was a very good date I’d say. Plus it reminded us of the importance of contraception. Having 3000 snotting, drooling kids screaming for 3 hours is enough to make Mel GIBSON wanna wear a condom!

Oh Geez, I can't believe I have 3000 snotting kids. I wish I didn't have such good aim.