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A Day at the Park

by  HogWild

Mrs. Potato Head and I live near this nice park. Sometimes between brawls we head over there for a nice leisurely stroll. The foliage is pretty and--- jeez! Did I just say “foliage”? Holy Homos Batman! I’m getting gayer aren’t I? AHEM! Let me adjust my grapes, reaffirm that they are hairy and continue. Wait a second—yes, they are hairy.

A Scene Serene and a horny Teen

A great place to relax, unwind, and spy on  teenagers looking for a hidden place to do-it.


Anyhoo, it’s a nice place to chill, plus there are mad hotties up in this piece. If you’re ever in the Dayton area you owe it to yourself to check out Yellow Springs. It has a liberal-latte kinda attitude but the bims—oh the bims are beautiful. Sure Volkswagons outnumber people 3-1 but it’s still cool. Did I mention the beautiful bims? Think bouncing blonde wearing a ponytail through her baseball cap with a white t-shirt walking her dog. Got the picture?

UnGodly  Gutski's Caught on Tape!

Oh God No. The schizophrenic Hog thinks he's a Playboy bim in a "Wet & Wild" video again.


And OUR dog, Sherwood, came along too. I swear she is such a little JAP. We like, tried to get her drink water because it was hot and we didn’t want her to get dehydrated—she refused. She says she only drinks BOTTLED WATER. And none of that generic stuff either. She is such a little prep! Damn Dog is living the life! She gets cuddled at all times PLUS she gets to poop outside in the grass. JUST ONCE I would like that same privilege. Have random bims fawn over me and hold me close to their bosoms while just 5 minutes later I have the freedom to squat a bomb on your front lawn. Wow—it must be great. Damn Dog!

The REAL enemy of our Natural Forests is Jeremy the Bloated Jew! He leaves his teeth marks in yet another defenseless tree.


So anyhoo, me and Mrs. P got into a really "spirited" discussion (heated argument that would make a Nun blush) at the park. She started it. She bought lemonade from some stupid little kid with a stand. And NOT because she was thirsty, but because she “felt bad.” Damn it WOMAN! You’re teaching the boy to be a commie! We live in a CAPITALISTIC society! If you don’t sell, you don’t eat. He needs to learn supply and demand. Maybe he didn’t do enough market research before opening he opened his little stand. In fact, I seriously doubt he has a permit for his activities. You think that little bugger is going to pay TAXES? No! And YOU’RE teaching him that society will just let him float through life PAYING him to be a failure. For goodness sakes, he’s not an INTERNET company!!

row row row your raft, gently down the puddle . . .

Wow Hog, that college degree is coming in handy now, ay?

Hog re-creates Elian's journey to America. (Except Hog's raft is 10 times better!)


Plus, this little fikakta cup cost 50 cents! That’s ½ a unit for yellow sugar water! I was like, “Woman, do you realize that’s like a 5000%  profit margin??”  But Mrs. P was all emotional about it. She recalled her days of having a lemonade stand and having no one buy anything. But I didn’t back down. In fact I TOLD her a lemonade stand was not an effective strategy for paying back student loans!  


Before getting his driver's license last year, Hog rode this cool bike.


Buying from this kid out of pity will only encourage him to make inferior products. Then the only way he can compete is by crushing his competition with theft and unfair marketing practices. Good God woman, you may have created another Bill Gates!  

Okay, this is a FAMILY park. Imagine what the children thought!

Oh no, he's doing the patented Nipple Ripple™!


That’s how Gates got started. He had a little lemonade stand next to this other boy. Except Bill didn’t even know how to make the summer beverage. So he stole some of the other kid’s and then started making it just like his. Then instead of selling his brand at a slightly lower price—he GAVE it away. He took a loss in the short term because he knew the people were thirsty—and he liked their pathetic thirsty looks too. So meanwhile the other kid couldn’t compete so he went out of business. And every time some new kid would try to sell lemonade or Kool-Aid or ANY liquid thirst-quenching vehicle, Gates would kick them in the groin and tell everybody that the kid picked his nose and ate it. So then little Billy Gates had a monopoly on the cool summer beverage industry. So he started charging whatever the hell he felt like for drinks since he was the only kid selling. And sometimes he diluted the drinks too. And then customers like you would have to go back for what he called, “Powder Upgrades” which cost an additional dollar. And the rest is history.

Hmm, it makes no mention of boobies. I have to scratch myself now.

Hmm, a profound statement on mortality. I have to scratch myself now.

As IF HogWild can read!


Gosh dilly, I DO know how to ruin a nice day in the park, don’t I? I was totally not worthy of the orange smoothie Mrs. P got me. I’m sorry Mrs. Potato Head. Now, uh, will you please start cooking dinner again?

Hog loves his generic orange soda. The kind that sticks to your enamel and doesn't let go until the dentist says spit.

It's Hog Heaven! HogWild finds a Natural Spring of Generic Orange Soda!!

Now, some of you out there say the Hog isn't doing his share to help his community. "All you do is rip on people and celebrities and fart on public transportation. What good have you ever done?" Well well Mr. Smarty Pants! It just so happens at the Park, I did some REALLY nice things for the aMiNals! These little creatures would have died (or at least sprained an ankle) if not for my heroics! And here is the photographic proof!

These little Duckies were about to get their beaks SMASHED by a falling tree when I jumped to their rescue!

Hog saves the day yet again. He's like Batman except his groun protector is a lot smaller.

And then this family of blind bunny rabbits was hop hop hopping along. But they were about to hop hop right into this huge log! Surely they would knock themselves unconscious and their severed feet would soon be shipped to a keychain factory. And I tell you, there is nothing sorrier than a rabbit with no feet. It's not like the Human world where we take care of our disabled. I mean, these gimp rabbits don't even get preferred parking . . . nothing! I did what any ordinary Emperor of Bootleg Comedy would do: I karate chopped the log in two and pushed the pieces apart so the crippled fuzzy rodents could pass.

Must . . . protect . . . blind rabbits!

So see, I do do some good for the world! Wait, I just said Doo-doo! Ha! That reminds me of the time we loaded up the be-be gun and shot deer with their own poopy pellets! Ha! Ooops. Um, that wasn't too environmentally friendly, was it? But uh, the deer population would starve itself anyway! If I hadn't fired fecal bullets at them, then they would have died a painful death. I was just putting them out of their misery. And uh, it's a sport! Yeah! Shooting tish at wild game is a sport! You'll see! I bet next year they show it on ESPN2! 

Hog Wet & Wild!

Good God man! Hog has totally lost his mind! Then again it isn't hard to misplace something the size of a peanut.

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