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What if Eminem was Running for President of the United States?

Slum Shady for Prez!!

Yo, listen up you bitches! Vote for me in the 2G! Dr. Dre is financin' this joint with his Aftermath political party. I know that's ill since the only math I can do is countin' out how many seeds those haterz throw in my dime bag!

First off, do you know who I am? MY NAME IS, MY NAME IS . . . Slum Shady. Slum as in my appearance. Shady as in my under-the-table political dealings! 

Dan "Raise the Roof" Rather Reporting

Wow, you sure are honest, Slum. Aren't you worried that bragging about how corrupt you are will foil your attempt to win the Presidency?


Eminem: Nah. Everybody knows Slum takes bank from whoever is doling out the dough! I'm a ho! Everybody say Ho! Ho!

Dan "Raise the Roof" Rather: So now that we've established that you have no morals, do you stand for anything?

  Britney and Eminem would make a cute couple. But their kids wouldn't be able to tie their shoes even if they had velcro!

Eminem: Yeah, like in my song, Won't the real Slum Shady please stand up?! Please stand up! Nah, but on the real, the only thing I stand for is when Britney Spears is on her knees givin' me brains!

Dan "Roll up the Rastafarians" Rather: I thought you're married.

Eminem: I WAS! I'm tryin' to get this divorce. The American people wanna see a Pimp in the White House. That's why Clinton's approval rating is so high! Come to think of it, I'm pretty f&%$in' high right now! 

Dan "Raise the Roof" Rather ReportingDan "Rumpshaker" Rather: Let's talk about the issues.

Eminem: Which issue of which magazine? The Source, Vibe, Rolling Stone, Entertainment Weekly? I been on the covers of 'em all!

Dan "Ruff n Raw" Rather: You're ducking the questions like a true veteran! Did you learn how to do that while being interrogated by the cops on the mean streets of Detroit?

Me, a moron? That's just the way I am!Eminem: Nah, mostly from avoiding interviews from hip-hop reporters questioning my hardcore background!

Dan "Ricochet Riflin' " Rather: How do you explain your instant success?

Eminem: I'm just keepin' it real. I curse when I want to. I say what I want to. People aren't used to hearing anything as outrageous as the truth-- especially from your typical white guy with a bad haircut.

Dan "Raise the Roof" Rather Reporting

Dan "Radio Rockin' " Rather: I was talking about your political success.


Eminem: So was I!

Dan "Rza-recta Rhino-ruffneck 'Roid Rampager" Rather: What do you think of your opponents?

Emimen: I ain't mad at 'em, but I think they's someFrankengore playa-hatin' huckstaz. I'll diss they mamas so bad they'll wish they were orphans! My records go platinum,  Gore is so stiff I think his drawers is platinum! Bush makes Ol' Dirty Deadbeat look like a Genius! Bush is so stupid he returned my CD because it had a hole in it! Word!


Dan "Raise the Roof" Rather ReportingDan "Redman" Rather: It's clear you have no leadership experience. Have you even studied the great leaders throughout history?


I got so hardcore because as a kid I always got beat up for my dorky name, MARSHALL MATHERS!Eminem: Hell yeah! The Hip-Hop Hedz, anyway. Peep this. I'm inspired by urban legends like that English rapper, Heavy C who said "I ain't got TISH to offer but blood, toil, tears and this AK upside your head bitch!" That dude The Deza who said "Pimpito, ergo sum" [I pimp, therefore I am.] No doubt I'm feelin' what my homeboy Hurricane Horatius said, "Carpe Scrotum." And I ain't no Commie, but I can't forget my man Mad Money Marx who shouted, "Opium is the religion of the people."

Dan "Raise the Roof" Rather Reporting

Dan "Rappin' with Wrinkles" Rather: Very interesting. But are you willing to debate your opponents?



I got so hardcore because as a kid I always got beat up for my dorky name, MARSHALL MATHERS!Eminem: In a freestyle rap competition, sure! But not in no boring old discussion. Please, my fans have the attention span of a gnat with A.D.D. And on the real, so do I, ONE!

(Eminem exits)




Dan "Raise the Roof" Rather ReportingDan "Representin' the Rheumatism " Rather: You heard it here first. Eminem believes he will be #1 come Election time. Either that or he left to take a wee-wee. Who knows?! That rap slang is almost as hard to follow as political rhetoric! This is Dan "Bring the Ruckus" Rather, for C. B.S. News!

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