Naked Cowboy, Darryl Cokeberry, and Nomar Gonorrheaparra

Fantasy Baseball Jokes & Funny Pictures

by HogWild

Let’s talk baseball. I’m a big fan but honestly, I kind of lost interest after the ’94 strike. I’ve been slowly getting back into it but if you ask me to name the Blue Jays outfield, the first names that come to mind are still Barfield, Moseby, and George Bell. I’m stuck in the 80’s like that. When I think of the Expos outfield I think Tim Raines—oh wait, he’s still there isn’t he? Crazy. Gotta love this guy. Nicknamed Rock. Who knew that his nickname would be better suited for Darryl Strawberry? Darryl Cokeberry. Darryl Boozeberry. Darryl Beats-his-wife-berry.  

Look, I know nub had colon cancer and is “suffering” from multiple addictions. But he let me down. I have no sympathy for him. He was my childhood hero. My baseball idol. I emulated his baseball swing. I went to the ballpark just to see him play. I wanted to be like him. Had his poster on my wall. So don’t tell me I should feel bad for him. Does he feel bad for me? He doesn’t even know me. But he knows the millions like me. The kids who watch their sports heroes flame into zeroes. What a punk. Not only did he ruin his life—he stomped on part of mine. The innocence.

I know all kids have to lose their naivety and innocence. I just thought my time would come in the backseat of a Prom Limo or on my high school girlfriend’s couch. Nope. I got done way before that. True, he’s human. Just a sucky one. Maybe I should blame my Dad. Maybe if he played baseball he could have been my idol instead of Darryl. But who the hell wants to idolize a Data Base Administrator. (No offense Dad, it’s just that your job doesn’t make me want to buy an overpriced jersey with your name on the back.)  

So now I’m officially back into baseball big time. I’m back in a Fantasy Baseball League. I had to learn all the players again. We do ours auction-style. You have to bid on players and really know your stuff. Everyone came armed with Fantasy Magazines, baseball encyclopedias, newspapers, stat books with numbers, charts and graphs that would make Alan Greenspan libidinously twist his wrinkled roll of quarters, palm pilots, and terminals dialed into the  STATS, Inc. mainframe. I brought a single reference. Bill James Fantasy Outlook for 1991. Sure it was a bit dated—but it was dead on about Sammy Sosa’s potential for future home run power. I only went to the book a couple of times though. Once when I brought up Ken Phelps as my 5^th outfielder and once again to draft 1990 Rookie of the Year Chris Sabo.

It was a great time getting together with old friends and making some new ones as we talked baseball and tried to out-maneuver each other. I was somewhat disappointed though by the team names people chose. Most everyone created a play on their own name. For example Pete made his team name into the Re-Petes. Ok cool. But where I’m from you’re supposed to make sophomoronic sexual innuendos relating to baseball. Like for me, I could have easily called my team the Hogs or the Ride my Hogs, or Hog Wild Pitches. But I went further. Cincinnati has a 2^nd basemen named Pokey Reese. So what  better gay name then Pokey Greese!

Here's one combining Pokey Reese and Albert Pujols. Pokey Pujols! Pokey Pujols! Pokey Poooo-holes! HA HA! I'm an idiot.

Genius I tell you! Pure genius. No one else followed my lead though. I would even have appreciated Tim Raines-Out. Nope. Not even a Barry Bondage. Even an innocent Perez-Dispenser went untouched. No Leiter-Fluid. Though I would prefer, Leiter-Fart. No Tim Smells-like-Salmon-but-Tastes-Like-Chicken. Not even a team monikered, Jeff Shagwell. I really didn’t expect anyone to name their team after a play on Oakland Latin shortstop, Miguel Tejardon. But it would have been amusing. And no one was daring enough to use Nomar Gonorrheaparra.

Oh well. But this Fantasy Baseball thing makes watching baseball (and in my case listening to since I don’t have cable or a Major League team in my broadcast TV range) more fun. Nothing wrong with spicing up the game. Just like this Naked Cowboy guy. Wow, what a nut. This nub ran out onto the field in Cincy while the Mets were in the field. He’s there in centerfield all niz-aked-like except for little pink briefs and his American-Flag-Cape. He was crouched in fielding position with a glove and everything.

Apparently he’s a musician looking to gain exposure from his exposure. I checked into this nub’s history a bit. He’s been doing this for years. You’d think he’d be really famous by now. I gotta hand it to him—he is on a mission. But in this day and age I think people are less stunned by a naked guitar guy. You have to go one step further. I mean, big deal, naked guitar guy on the field. I’ve seen a guy sky-dive onto the field. I’ve seen a huge-chested porn star jiggle her way onto the field to kiss the pitcher. And I’m supposed to be impressed by THIS freak? I respect that he has a dream to be famous and stuff but he needs to go further to get noticed. Naked Cowboy has even been on Jenny Jones. Yeah, but, who hasn’t? Every Trailer Trash resident worth his last pack of cigs has been on Springer and Jenny Jones! He needs to do something really extreme to get noticed. Like he should play the guitar naked and simultaneously play the tuba with his ass. I dunno. Or at least substitute his guitar pick with his penis.  

The other problem is this guy’s a real beefcake. When I look at his picture I don’t think “talented musician who’s trying to get noticed.” I think: homo. Okay, I’m thinking Playgirl centerfold. Really, this nub is hot. He makes Fabio look like a flabby-assed Richard Simmons. He’s a stud.

 He should be an erotic dancer in a night club for overweight wives with lots of their husbands’ bacon bits to spend. He’d make a great living that way I’m sure. But who’s the last great guitarist who looked like Mr. Universe? Um, most of the great guitarist I know are skinny guys who look like they’re gonna collapse when they try to hold that oh-so-heavy guitar over their head with their trembling scrawny arms.

Maybe he can make it as a drummer for Kid Rock or something. Or he could be a wrestler! That would be perfect! Naked Cowboy, if you’re out there, become a pro wrestler! That’s your way to fame and fortune. The Naked Cowboy as a World Wrestling character! That would be awesome! Like a cross between the old Honky-Tonk Man and Lex Luger! Totally wicked! And since wrestling is on nMTV (No Music Television) now you can get your music-thang on too!

Damn, HogWild solving more problems! Hey but I wouldn’t mind having Naked Cowboy sing the National Anthem at baseball games. Better him than Roseanne. Hey whatever happened to her? Maybe to get her career back on track she should play the guitar naked . . . yeah that would attract attention . . .  from Sea World. 

	Web www.hogwild.net

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