* In 1970's a fiscal crisis led to the necessary reduction of plastic utensils in public school cafeterias, thus the invention of the spork --

half-spoon and half-fork.

Now, to further reduce the burdensome cost of educating and feeding our freeloading children, we should enact cost-cutting measures to combine the spork with the Calculator and Protractor, creating The Sporktractulator:

 

* U.S. Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has a gap in her teeth but because the Government is strapped for cash, I say we should DENY her request for braces!

* Those darn Homeless People have it waaaaay too good! Here's how the U.S. Government can save some cash... Homeless people to get 30% less J on their free PB&J sandwiches!

* Here's how we can save over $1 Billion. Stop searching for Osama bin Laden. Obviously we can't find him.

And if we do, so what? What will we do? Hold a trial? Boooooring! What's happened has happened and that scum-sucking jerk-face jerk-a-zoid will probably die soon on his own -- so what we should is switch the funds that are being used to find Osama to find something more exciting... Big Foot.

Then once we catch him, we can make a Big Foot Tour and charge money for tickets!

* OK, this one is a no-brainer to save money... Effective immediately, all calls to foreign heads of state must be made after 9 pm or on weekends.

* To promote consumer spending, the Bush twins are to give lap dances. And no more freebies for ex-Presidents!

* In a small, but symbolic gesture to the American People, the President, his cabinet and all members of Congress will reduce their salary by 10%. HA HA HA HA! Yeah right! Like they'd ever pass THAT law! Wooo! That was a good one!

* Everyone takes the right to vote for granted. So now to encourage participation in our democratic system AND spur the economy... Everyone who votes will receive a coupon for a 1/2-price sandwich at Subway!

* New source of tax revenue! The Government should finally give-in and legalize marijuana so it can profitably tax the sale of this popular and mostly harmless drug. Pfizer will be purchase the rights to sell it exclusively and market it as the anti-anxiety pharmaceutical ---- Splifficor. Or call it, hmm, how about... Xanadoobie.

In a related move, potato chips, pizza and cookies will be taxed higher after 10 pm.

* Following the success of Farm Aid and other such concerts, the U.S. Government should authorize the Supreme Court to rock out to save Wall Street!