Fun in Florida, Part 1: Fake Breasts, Wheelchair Pile-Up, and Jamaican Bims with Beef Patties

by HogWild

Above: Even the mermaids have fake breasts

I went down to Florida to see my best friend and to get out of the cold New York City winter. And of course, I wanted to get my money’s worth, so I laid out in the sun for 3 hours on the first day. I thought I’d be okay because I was wearing SPF HAIR. But no, my luxurious body hair didn’t protect me. In fact, my chest hair caught on fire. To put it out, the Park Rangers had to light containment fires around my nipples.

When I get too much sun, my skin turns a pinkish-purple. I look like a burnt penis.

But I don’t care what every woman has ever told me. Freckles ARE sexy! They make me look like a leopard – rrrrrrrrrrar!

My man’s apartment was nice! Much better value than what I get in New York. In Florida he’s got parking, palm trees – a pool! What do I have? Pigeons – walking like prostitutes on my window ledge. AND he lives in a gated community. Well, so do I. I got gates on my windows.

The first night we go out to party. My boy hooks up with some hot chick with huge foobies! (Fake boobies.) And me? I’m pushing some guy in a wheelchair.

See, it was 3 am and we’re standing outside the bar. My dude is kicking game to this bim and I’m like the 3^rd wheel – and not the good 3^rd wheel on a tricycle kind of way. So I’m keeping my distance, letting him work the magic. I would’ve went home, but I don’t know my way around. So then this crusty old black guy rolls up in his wheelchair. He croaks to us, “Can you give me a ---

So me, being from NYC, I’m not gonna answer the dude or even make eye contact. So we start walking away. Then he continues, “A push! Can you give me a push!” WHAT?

Hmm, what’s the catch here? I’ve seen it all before, buddy. I agree to that and then you’re hitting me up for money so you can buy hookers and pizza. And that’s not right! If anyone’s getting hookers and pizza, it’s gonna be ME!

But my friend is trying to hook up with his hot blonde bim with bodacious bouncy boom-bags. So I figure, okay, fine, I can push this guy and give my man some alone time.

So I’m pushing this dude in the middle of the night with totally desolate streets. I’m so paranoid, I picture this scenario: He jumps out of his wheelchair, flashes a wicked grin and sticks a gun in my throat.

But actually he was a war veteran with a plastic leg. A plastic leg that was really a machine gun! No. Of course not. But I WAS trying to hurry up since I didn’t know exactly where I was and I didn’t want to get separated from my friend in a strange city. So I’m rushing and this poor guy is holding on for dear life. BUMP BUMP BUMP! The whole reason he needed me to push him was to get over this street where the sidewalk was ripped up from construction. So I’m pushing him over rubble and I guess the front wheels got caught, and WHOOPS! The old guy spills out of his chair. So I ran away.  

No. I didn’t. But I considered it. I scooped the poor guy up and plopped him back in his chair. Now he’s all dusty and disabled. Well, he was already disabled, but --- damn it! I’m on vacation here! I’m not supposed to be caring for the elderly, screwing in prosthetic legs! So I did my mitzvah for the week and ran back to catch up to my friend to find him feeling all over this bim.

Wow, that was fun. Now I’m sitting on the curb waiting for 15 minutes – do I interrupt and ask him for the number to a cab? Do I take notes?

Soooo many hot bims in Florida. EVERYONE has a boob job there. Even the grandmas. Sometimes I’d look at a woman’s rack and be like, "DAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!" Then I’d see that she’s 77 and be like, "GOD DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!!" No G-MILF’s for me, man.

Most of the bims were soooo hot. But some got the bootleg boob jobs. Their hooters were too far apart. You know, the hooters with the 6 lane highway between them. You could plant a row of trees in the median. There’s like a state trooper sitting in her cleavage waiting to pull people over for speeding.

And Ft. Lauderdale was crazy. It was like Mardi Gras – drunk party people in the street. This bim comes up to me with her soft sexy voice, “I like a man of danger.” So I told her to come back to my place for a glass of bleach and unprotected butt sex. Still in her soft sexy voice, “Not that kind of danger.” Oh. My bad. Um, we can go back to my place and open up the .exe attachments in my email. That dangerous enough?

Then these 3 black girls approach me on the crowded street. They said QUOTE, “Ever had Jamaican pu$$y?” Except they said the actual word without the dollar signs. I was like, “Um no, but I like Bob Marley, does that count?” I’m really paranoid. I thought they wanted to braid my hair or something. Unfortunately there was something wrong with each of the 3 bims. But if you combined all of their best attributes they formed 1 really HOT BIM! That would be cool. Combine girls like Voltron. Take HER ass, HER face, and HER snuggle-bubbles and BAM! A hottie! So I smoochy smooched with all of them like the slut I am. They felt on my booty, I felt on theirs. But when one girl tried to put her hand down my pants, I was like, “Okay, that’s enough. I’m sure some nub is filming this and I don’t want to be on some DVD sold late at night.” But hey, it was fun feeling on some Jamaican beef patties. 

NOTE: I’m pretty sure they weren’t hookers.

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