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Food jokes. Women jokes. Sex jokes. Cooking. Ladies, I've only got one thing on my mind... food.


Ladies, I've only got 1 Thing on my Mind -- Food

by HogWild

I love it in the bedroom. I love it on the couch. And maybe itís trite, but I love it on the dining room table.

Let me be perfectly honest. When it comes to women, Iím only after 1 thing. Food.

But when I buy you a gift, itís gonna be SEXY. Itís gonna be CROTCHLESS. Itís gonna be an APRON.

I donít care how you look, as long as you can cook! You could BE fat. Nothing wrong with that! You wouldnít be mad at a hot chick who couldnít resist touching herself too much, would you? So Iím not angry at fat girls.

Well, fat bims who COOK. Ever meet a fat girl who canít cook? Now thatís sad. Sheís like a guard dog with laryngitis.

Thereís just 1 criterion with me. Ya gotta cook. Single moms! I know itís hard to find a man. Iím right here. But Iím looking at your kids first. Fat kids are a strong recommendation.

Man, I donít care about ANYTHING except how you cook. I date any race, creed, or color. Iím EOE -- an equal opportunity eater. Because I get tired of the same type of meals after a few months. I dated a Chinese girl Ė oh what a set of woks. My spicy Indian girl with her finger lickiní Tandoori Chicken. You shoulda seen how my Mexican chica handled a burrito. Sexy man. And my Jewish girl from Jersey with her Szechwan Shrimp from Hong Kong Take-Out.

Some girls donít have skills in the kitchen. Itís not enough that you cook. You need to work it, girl! Get nasty. Talk to me! ďIím marinating! Iím marinating, baby! Is this HOT enough for you?Ē

You know, tease me. Show me a little potato. Take the steak out the oven Ė slow down. Slow down.

And I know weíre in the throes of passion, but letís be safe. Put on your oven mitts.

Man, a lot of girls donít smell right. Spritz. Spritz! Nah. Iíve only dated 1 girl who got it right. She stopped buying that crap perfume from those chain department stores and started shopping for it at the grocery store. She didnít douse herself in it either. Not too much. Just a dab of bbq sauce between the breasts. Awesome. You havenít lived until youíve licked nipples in hot sauce. Daaaaamn!

Iím not like a lot of guys. I donít expect cooking on the 1st date. But I canít wait forever either. I gotta know if weíre culinarily compatible.

One girl was trippiní. Trying to say, ďI donít cook until marriage.Ē Everyone knows it only gets WORSE after marriage Ė not better. Before the wedding sheís cooking for you 5 or 6 times a week Ė sometimes in the middle of the day too! After youíre married, youíre lucky if you get it 5 or 6 times a MONTH. Then itís only on special occasions. Thanksgiving. Christmas.

One girl wanted to take me out for my birthday. Oh hell no! I said, ďYou better get your big ass in the kitchen! Iím not dating you so you can spend MY MONEY that I GAVE YOU so we can BOTH EAT at Red Lobster! Put some love in it.Ē

Now I have a lot of stamina. I can go for hours and hours. But sometimes I like a quickie. Like right when I wake up, before I leave the house. I just lay back in bed and she takes care of me. Eggs. Pancakes. Oh! Awesome!

Some guys donít get it. I was bragging about my girl to my friend. And heís like ďHonestly, man, Iíd only rate her a 5.Ē 

ďHell yeah sheís a 5! She cooks 5 nights a week! Sheíd be a 7 but she takes night classes.Ē

Some guys donít get it. ďWho needs a woman to cook when there are restaurants?Ē WHAT?! To me eating at a restaurant is like doing a hooker! Itís just a transaction to satisfy an immediate need. But what about the LOVE?

A restaurant will make a meal for ANYONE willing to pay for it. Theyíre WHORES! Not my woman. She only cooks FOR ME! But if I find out sheís giving my pasta away Ė Iíll KILL the man who puts his hands on my womanís plump raviolis!

But look. After all this, you probably think Iím not romantic. I am romantic.

My list of most romantic songs:

The timeless classic ďC is for CookieĒ

Warrantís ďCherry PieĒ

And yes, Bette Midlerís, ďYou are the chicken wings beneath my windĒ

 know there are lots of girls out there who like to cook. And right now youíre not with anybody. Youíre alone. Youíre cooking for yourself. Thatís masturbation with meatloaf! No woman should have to eat alone when thereís a hungry man right here!

Invite me over. Iíll come in a shirt and tie and bib. Iíll bring you chocolates and flour. So you can bake me a cake.

Youíre gonna like cooking for ME. Mmm, thatís good. Mmm, that is so good. Aaaaah! <SLURP> Huh? <GULP!>

Talk to you?  Damn it woman, canít you see Iím eating! I didnít ask you to cook me up a CONVERSATION! Let me enjoy your food. Then Iíll take a nap. Then Iíll reward you with the did-ick. Then I'll take another nap. Then start cookiní, cuz we gonna do it again! Iím insatiable!


Iíll get your apron and oven mitts. But letís keep it quiet. We donít wanna wake up your chunky kids now.

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