French Jokes: French Body Odor... Never Before Have I Hated Breezes.
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Expert Dating Advice
by me, HogWild
I am frustrated with the French. Now let me say, this is an overall feeling. I have met some wonderful French individuals.
So I'm living in the South of France for a few months in the lively town of Nice. And I have come to the conclusion that their food sucks, their manners suck, and their mustaches suck.
Maybe it's different in Paris, but here in Nice...
* First of all, they all own small dogs whom they allow to SH!T all over the sidewalks where they leave it to fester. If you don't look down at all times, you will 100% squish your shoe into a steamy pile of poodle fudge.
* 2nd, they offer the worst customer service ever. All these lazy cheese-asses take a damn siesta in the middle of the day so their stores and restaurants close. Some stores actually brag that they are open "non-stop" from 9 to 5. Wow. Excuse me while I roll my eyes. Dammit! I took my vision off the sidewalk and stepped in dog sh!t.
* 3rd, there is something the Frenchies love called foie gras. This is their famous delicacy. I love to try new food so I said what the hell, bring it on!
So it's made by taking a duck and forcing it to eat corn until its liver basically explodes. So you eat this cold, fattened duck liver on a piece of bread. Now I must say, it's like nothing I've ever tasted. So in that sense, it was worth the experience.
I took my first bite and it melted in my mouth and it tasted like raw sewage. But thankfully the taste quickly changed to the much more pleasant sensation of an old sock soaked in the sweat of a wino.
The only other way I can describe the flavor is... rotten-meat-flavored Skittles.
And don't tell me I had one bad experience. I attempted to eat foie gras from two different establishments, both being expensive.
* 4th, this reputation of stinky French body odor is a myth because it's much worse than has been reported! The global phenomenon known as underarm antiperspirant has not yet reached 21st Century France. Never before have I hated breezes.
I will say there are many beautiful women here. And the French bread is fresh and delicious. But when the French people here carry these baguettes under their stinky arms, it quickly becomes garlic bread.
* 5th, the French Riviera is supposed to be renown for its beautiful beaches. The water is clear and refreshing yes, but where I come from a beach is something that contains sand. The "beaches" in Nice have zero sand. They have rocks. Yes, people are laying out on hard stones. Yup, nothing more comfortable and relaxing than laying peacefully with a jagged piece of granite jabbing me in the lumbar vertebrae.
All that, plus it's expensive to live here. Not to mention the little things of life, like the supermarkets don't bag your groceries for you. And everywhere guys are riding these super loud mopeds. Oh, and the men wear purses. I don't know the official name for a Louis Vuitton bag being worn by a man, but I call them purses. Actually I don't CARE what they call them... guys, when you're wearing tight jean shorts and pink sneakers, your little bag is a purse.
The next time I visit the Statue of Liberty, I will be taking a huge paint roller covered in deodorant to apply to her outstretched armpit!
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French Jokes: French Body Odor... Never Before Have I Hated Breezes.