HOGWILD!

RANTS

Vote for the Hebrew National 

Yo, what up ma Hogz? I gotta spit some politiks because I rarely do. Well in a serious way anyway. I mean, I have thoughts on the process and our democratic process, but put it this way: I’m 24 years old and I’ve never voted for anything. Ever. I’ve never been motivated. Both sides suck. So it’s like whatever. May the best gas-hole win.

I take that back. I did vote once. It was a Pepsi Challenge in ’88 at my supermarket. I chose the generic brand over both Pepsi and Coke. Man that P.R. nub was pissed! But hey, I got a free t-shirt out of it. Yeah! That’s how you get people to vote! Everyone who votes should get a free t-shirt! Hell, I’ll vote twice! I know what some of you are saying, “Hog, it’s a privilege to take part in the Democratic process . . .” Blah, blah, SHUT UP! You’re an idiot. The “Democratic process” is where we vote for who looks prettier when they’re dressed up in the clothes and make-up of corporate America. Yeah, you like that underground/dirty/anarchist/Coventry-Cleveland/ Village Voice reading/independent book store/burn the flag/socialism-for-sale attitude? Oh by the way, the comic strip Red Meat sucks. Just to let you know. Hang on, I’m losing some of you. Hang with the Hog. I’ma bring you back to that bootleg-comedy stylin’ that you love.

I’m saying that this is the first time I have a real reason to vote. Okay, here’s my breakdown. Now that I’m old I feel it’s like my responsibility to vote. Besides, I have some friends who are like total drooling morons—and they vote. So even if I’m dumb I need to vote or they’ll speak for me. I don’t want no nub votin’ fo’ me! I don’t want no dude pulling my lever—got it? Besides, I like pulling my lever. Hey, do they have the Internet in those booths? That would be cool. 

Oh yeah, so the breakdown. At first I was all for McCain. He was that crazy, fire-dentures guy who broke out some Vietnam P.O.W. camp. I think when he was younger he flew a helicopter with his friends B.A. Baracas, Face, and that old guy with the cigar who keeps saying, “I love it when a plan comes together.” 

But anyhoo, I don’t know if he had just lost his brain cells in some Viet-Kong wok or what, but nub seemed to speak his mind—even if it was not to his political advantage. Now that’s some wild stuff. But then nub sold out and endorsed Curious George W. Bush. That guy who used to run the sucky Texas Rangers baseball team. It should be a good hint if a nub can’t even run a baseball team that he can’t run a country. Plus it is a known fact that Curious George used to snort coke! Now he wants to lock up those same people who sold him blow! Typical spoiled-rich kid attitude. I think I like his brother Jeb better. But that guy can’t win because he’s married to a Mexican. Plus his name is Jeb.

Why does every idiot who runs for President have to stand in front of the Flag? We get it, okay?! You're a "real" American. You'll fight for "real" American people. Damn, it's like they think if they don't stand in front of the American flag we might forget. "Is that guy running for President of France? No wait, he's running for King of Nigeria, right?"

I'm not gonna say George W. is a racist-- but here he goes again talking down to black people!

Then there’s Al Snore. (Okay, I know there’s also Pat Puke-canon and Ralph Neutered. But let’s get real here. They’re like the goat with the horn stapled to its forehead who’s supposed to be a unicorn at the circus. Funny to look at. But no one takes them seriously.) Al Whore is a sleaze. Nub is supposed to be all about character. He’s not like Bill “The Thrill” Chubby-Chaser Clinton. So he says. Yeah right. He’s a liar like Billy Bubba. Gore straight up said, “I invented the Internet.” Hmm, really? That awesome. But then how come certain incriminating emails were subpoenaed and he claimed he didn’t even know how to save email? You’d think that the guy who INVENTED the INTERNET, you know sweated out the Transport Control Protocol/Internet Protocol on layer 3 of the OSI model would at the very least know how to check his email! 

Al Sore points out that he invented basketball.

But then his guy comes along. Joe Lieberman. Al Poor (that’s why he has to take bacon bits from the Commies) picks this Jewish guy for V.P. Holy smoked salmon! I would have NEVER expected that! So now I’m motivated to vote. I gotta rep for my future Hebrew National. I don’t know if this nub is cool or not, but it doesn’t matter. As a Jew I must vote for him. Just to break the religious barrier. If you’re not Jewish his appointment shouldn’t really change your vote too much. I mean what’s he really going to be doing? Probably Gore picked him to be his Jewish accountant to keep track of all that Chink cash he’s bankin’. Damn it’s messed up how we kiss China’s pink commie ass. But I gotta vote for Lieb-dog just cuz. 

I hope he does a good job or else we might NEVER see an Old Testament Boy up in D.C. again! America has been run by white Protestants for too long. And the last few have really sucked too. And one of the best Presidents was John F. Kennedy—a Catholic. I mean, he got his playa-pimpin’ on but he kept it on the d.l. Plus while Clinton is lickin’ the dirty doughnut of some future Jenny Craig spokes-cow, Kennedy is throwin’ back-shots in the first-ever Playboy centerfold. Nice. 

Joe Lieberman is gonna change everything up in D.C.! He’ll put a yarmulke on top of the Washington Monument! No, even better. He’ll CIRCUMCISE the Washington Monument. The White House will have a kosher kitchen and every foreign dignitary will have to eat gefilte fish. Germany is gonna be f’d like a woman jogging in Central Park in the middle of the Puerto Rican day parade. When they see a Jew as the number 2 in the most powerful nation in the World, they’ll be like, “Gott Damn! 6 million and vee miss the ein who ends up Vice President!” Sucks for you Krauts. 

Speaking of politics. I want The Rock to run for office. Just so when he’s in a debate I can see him scream, “IT DOESN’T MATTER!” Then he’ll give the other nub The People’s Elbow right in the jaw. Yeah, he should run for Governor of Minnesota. No election. It’s Jessie Ventura vs. The Rock in a steel cage match on Pay Per View. The biggest election extravaganza EVER!

Now that’s Politics!