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The Knicks Should Recruit Homeless People to Play

Justin Sanders


Justin Sanders with HogWild

JUSTIN: You know how in scary movies when the last remaining hot chick defeats the homicidal killer, then leaves him for dead as she makes her escape and as soon as she’s gone we see the killers finger twitch or his eyes open?  


Well by hiring Mike D’Antoni the corpse that was the New York Knicks may have just have shown a sign of life.  Of course unlike the Friday the 13th or Nightmare on Elm Street franchises the Knicks won’t be coming back to life any time soon but at least there’s some hope right?

JUSTIN: The key to the Knicks revival will all hinge on how well former Phoenix Sun coach Mike D’Antoni can mesh his up tempo style of play with an overrated and over paid New York Knicks roster.

The good news though is that during D’Antoni’s tenure with the Suns they were never known as a defensive team which should mesh well with the offensive minded players on the Knicks roster. The bad news is that D’Antoni’s style of play will probably result in the first heart attack by a player when over weight Eddy “C-Cup” Curry keels over in the second quarter of the Knicks home opener.  

Still, the death of a player, no matter how tragic, would clear up some cap space and give the poor Knick fans something to cheer about.

HA HA HA! And all this time I’ve been mailing Stephon Marbury ticks in an effort to give him Lyme Disease...

NOTE TO THE AUTHORITIES: Just kidding. I would never use the US Postal Service to break the law. Because that sh!t is too slow! I use Federal Express!
JUSTIN: The other good news is that the Knicks also have the 6th pick in the upcoming draft which, paired with the fact that Isiah Thomas is no longer running the team, should net the Knicks some immediate help next year.

What sucks about the Knicks is that they’re terrible but not so terrible that they’re funny.

There’s nothing funny about losing by 30 points because the players don’t work together. If they’re going to lose all the time, they should at least make it amusing. I want to see basketball bloopers!

A pass to a guy to who is looking the other way so the ball bounces off his head... A player goes up for the dunk and smashes his front teeth into the rim... And you’ve got to have some classic accidental knees to the groin-area. I want to see players running into each other, tripping over themselves and going up for the rebound and head-butting each other. The coach screaming at the referee and then his dentures fall out of his mouth... Or the arena is dead quiet as the Knicks attempt a game-winning free throw... And the player rips a juicy fart.

The early reports from the NBA have the Knicks taking Danilo Gallinari,  the 6’9” Forward who played for Armani Jeans last year.  

Armani Jeans has a team? I’m guessing this is some sort of Italian League team?

You talk about a perfect fit, with the Knicks Gallinari would basically be playing for Armani Jeans West and David Lee would finally have someone to hang out with on weekends.

Throw in the fact that Gallinari is known to be an excellent passer and the Knicks would finally have someone to compliment all the scorers on the team. I mean just imagine the shock on the fans' faces if the Knicks came down the court and actually passed the ball before someone chucked up a 20 foot brick. Dare to dream I say Knick fans, dare-to-dream.

I AM dreaming. And when I woke up your crappy Mavericks were bounced from the Playoffs again! HA HA HA!

JUSTIN: I'm surprised you still even have the word playoffs in your vocabulary after cheering for the Knicks all these years.
Of course the Knicks could go out and draft a tall homeless man off the streets of Manhattan and still do better job than Isiah Thomas did in his time as GM.  But then again that same homeless dude probably could have done a better job than Isiah did running the Knicks.  Ha ha.  Can you imagine tuning in on draft day and hearing, "With the 6th pick of the 2008 draft the New York Knicks take a sandwich and a bottle of Mad Dog 20/20" followed by Knicks fans cheering because they didn't trade the pick away for a fat Center with a heart problem.  

I’m not against your ridiculous idea of drafting homeless guys. They would probably play harder than the current players. And it would be tough for an opponent to play tight defense when his eyes are watering from the stench of body odor, cheap beer, and pee-pee.

Even if the Knicks don’t employ the homeless to play for them, soon they’ll have to allow homeless people in the stands because us fans will stop going to the games. Only those seeking emergency shelter would put themselves through the agony of watching a Knicks game in person. It’s not that bad an idea to have homeless people in the crowd since they have a natural gift for yelling while drunk and holding up signs.

homeless basketball player

D’Antoni will have his work cut out for him considering the state of the team he’s inherited. He’s got a front court with bigger boobs than most of the cheerleaders on the dance team, an over paid point guard who is past his prime who likes to nail interns in his truck and the highest team salary in the NBA.

Speaking of payrolls, this year the Knicks had the highest payroll in the NBA this year yet still finished last in their division. Sound familiar? It should to New Yorkers because the Yankees are currently sporting a $200,000,000.00 payroll and are in last place in the AL East.
I like how you included the 2 zeroes after the decimal point. As if anyone is counting... The Yankees spent 200 Million... And 42 cents! OK sure, New York is responsible for blowing 200 Million for a losing cause. But I know a proud Texan who has blown TRILLIONS of dollars on a colossal failure...That’s right, Jessica Simpson and her flop of an album!

Oh yeah, and President George W. Bush’s war.
My god, Texans will never live down W.    Our new motto will be "Remember the Alamo...and please forget George W. Bush."

Anyway back to basketball where the Knicks have a long way to go before they return to a respectable team but with Mike D'Antoni, the 6th pick in the draft and the absense of Isiah Thomas people finally have something to look forward to in Madison Square Garden besides trade shows and concerts!    
Quick update for all the fans of the column about the Fantasy Baseball League that HogWild and I are currently playing in…
HogWild's team, Ichiro Pujols are 4-3 and only one game out of 1st place.
Justin’s team, Dead Last Rangers are 5-2 and currently are tied for first place in the division with the Dead Last Rangers leading the head to head matchup with Ichiro Pujols 2-0.

You’re whippin’ my ass. But I think I’m doing OK considering I drafted my team while drunk on Tequila. That’s my excuse. What’s Isiah Thomas’ excuse? Maybe it’s that his little short shorts cut off the blood circulation to his brain.

isiah thomas short shorts

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New York Knicks pictures, jokes: The Knicks should recruit homeless people to play. Funny Rants, Dirty jokes + Twisted Humor.
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