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The Movies

by HogWild

I can’t believe the price of going to see a movie. Movies will soon cost $10! 10 Units a Ticket! I remember when we used to watch Movies at the Nickelodeon. You know why they called it the Nickelodeon? Because it cost a nickel to get in! It wasn’t the DIMEodeon or the DOLLARodeon—the NICKELodeon. And not only did we get a Movie, we got TWO movies! Two movies for a Nickel! And this wasn’t that Ernest Goes to Camp crap. Two "talkies" for 5 cents. Sure I had to work 6 hours as a soda pop jock to make that 5 cents, but it was WORTH it!

The BEST Ernest Movie is still WORSE than the WORST Police Academy Movie.

Despite urging from his Agent, Ernest refused to pull a "Pee-Wee Herman" to boost his career.


And on top of our 2 movies we got a CARTOON! And it wasn’t that bootleg, crappy Japanese Hokémon stuff either! The only Japanese we had in OUR cartoons were the stereotyped, slanty-eyed yellow rodents with fu manchu moustaches!


GOOD cartoons, with good old fashioned American violence--- with a moral at the end. I remember our strong-chin hero telling us, "Take it from me, Sergeant Tobacco, you DON’T need to solve problems with violence. Unless of course it’s in the name of preventing the spread of Communism." Where are our Heroes now?!


And on top of it, we got a news briefing! I'd like to see you try to get a NEWS briefing at TODAY’S theaters. Ha! See, when we went to the movies, we LEARNED something! What will you learn in TODAY's movies? That Leonardo DiCraprio needs a daily shot of testosterone? We had REAL leading men, with REAL penises! With hair on their grapes. Today you'll spend about 2 1/2 hours at the theater IF you count the 45 minutes of PREVIEWS for OTHER movies. We spent ALL WEEKEND! When we went to the theater you had to bring a tent and a flashlight. Mom would kiss us goodbye and pack us a lunch.

News Flash!

News Flash! This just in, Leonardo DiCraprio need a daily Testosterone shot to prevent him from devleoping small, perky breasts.


And that’s another the thing, the food. Since when does a human being need to consume 2 gallons of heated corn, dripping with salty lard? Why can’t we sit still for 90 minutes without the need to ingest nutritious raisins doused in dark chocolate? Why is it we will refuse to buy healthy orange juice without a 30 cent coupon, but GLADLY horde $3.00 candy bars? I’ll tell you why. It’s because we’re stupid.


I admit it. I ALWAYS fall for the impulsive sale. I’m on the checkout line at the grocery mega-store. I just did hundreds of exhaustive price-comparisons to ensure that I would not pay 1 CENT TOO MUCH for canned soup. I even bought the bootleg cereals. But then I’m on the check-out line. Once I step into that line, my left-brain shuts down. The mental calculator runs out of batteries. Impulse-brain is AWOKEN! MUST HAVE SKITTLES! Taste the Rainbow! Oooh! A toe-nail clipper and bottle-opener all-in-one! Oh my God! Reader’s Digest Collector’s Edition! Wait, maybe Elvis IS alive and living as the female host of a popular daytime TV talk show! Must buy magazine! Baseball Cards! I haven’t bought these since I was a kid! I DESERVE a pack. Maybe I’ll even get a one of those rare McGwire cards! There’s only 1.5 million being produced every day!

Rosie PresleyElvis O'Donnell

Shave the sideburns, continue to binge on donuts, and a new career is born for Elvis.


So when I check out, it’s like I spent $90 bacon bits in the store, and $470 units while waiting on line. See, it’s a conspiracy! That’s why the lines are so long! They don’t WANT to make your check-out faster. They want to make it SLOWER because they know that’s where we buy stuff! Here is my prediction. Soon the entire store will be one giant check-out aisle. As soon as you walk into the store, you’re on line to leave. And as you wait, you’ll pick up over-priced trinkets and what not. They will have TV’s hanging overhead and a personal shopper who grabs the boring stuff (like milk, cheese, and fruit) you want while you wait to be rung up.


Or maybe, the stores will COMBINE with the movie theaters to create a HUGE profit center. You go into the MegaPlex, where you choose from one of 100 movies. The regular line for the tickets will now "feature" impulse sale items from the grocery store! But they’ll be quadrupled in price because, "it’s the movies!" And then if you want to do some serious food shopping, you stop at the concession stand. There you can get your milk, juice, cereal, etc. But everything is "King" sized. For instance, you can buy the "medium" (1 gallon) of Milk, a "large" milk, and "super" Milk, or a small herd of lactating heifers.


Yes, once again, it is I, HogWild, the marketing Genius! But these movie theaters are really out of control. The price of admission plus the price of snacks is ridickalus! If you have a family of five, it’s like, you can take the clan out to see the latest Jim Carrey flick--- or you can set up that college fund. When the kids are grown up, they’ll be like, "Mom, Dad, why can’t we go to College?" And you’ll have to break it down, "Well kids, it was either college or Ace Ventura Pet Detective. You kids made your choice. I hear they’re hiring ticket-stub takers though!"

College! Ha! Aaaaaaall Righty Then!

Parents must choose: College or a Grown Man Talking out of his Ass. B.S. stands for "Butt Speak"


And what’s with that? Haven’t we evolved past that point yet? I mean, the theater has Super Duper Dolby Digital THX Vibrating Surround Supersonic Sound™, but there’s still some poor 16 year old nub who has to rip my ticket for me. Can this process not be automated? It SHOULD BE! I have nothing against the ticket stub nub. The problem is with the idiots who ask him QUESTIONS. This dude is not there to answer questions, he’s there because he had really poor SAT scores. DO NOT ask Stub Nub if this movie will be any good. DO NOT ask Stub Nub if so-and-so is in it. DO NOT ask Stub Nub anything! Just let him rip your ticket and then walk along your merry way! If Stub Nub DID know anything, he WOULDN’T be the Stub Nub! He’d be a movie critic, or an actor, or at least have the power to validate your parking! This job should be automated!


Okay, last gripe about the movie going experience (for now.) I love a good movie. I even love the PREVIEWS for good movies. But WHY, heavens WHY, are these million dollar movie trailers with premo special effects followed by the cheesy-ass, BOOTLEG, made in the 1960’s INTRO that "Welcomes us to our Feature Presentation"???!!! I mean, some theaters are okay. The flying popcorn is cool. "Throw your trash in one of our conveniently located containers", that’s cool. I mean, I WAS going to purposely spill my soda on the floor like everyone else, but after seeing that flying cup enter the trash can, I’m a CHANGED MAN! The candy mascots playing the drums, that’s cool. But some theaters have like this booty-ho PORNO music with these LAME sparkly text effects. Or the nauseating virtual roller coaster where we’re supposed to be dodging Sno-Caps and Goobers. BOOTLEG!

Wait! I’ve just had a revelation!


That horrible no-budget yawn titled "The Blair Witch Project" was actually just a "Feature Presentation" Intro! When I was comparing that Cinematic Finger Painting to REAL movies I was very harsh in my criticism. But now that I realize it was just an Movie Intro, it wasn’t all that bad. And now I know what that glowing white spot was supposed to be. That was the Flying Popcorn!
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