Mrs. Potato Head's Pillow Talk

by  HogWild

The Girl is losin’ it. I love her to death, and I know Med School is Stressful, but for real, she is about to crack. I’m deep in sleep. We’re talkin’ like R.E.M., Shiny, Happy, People, Man on the Moon Sleep. My body was in a state of complete rest from the rigors of—well, whatever the hell it is I do to pass the days. My sleep was so peaceful even my "Playstation thumbs" had stopped twitching. THIS is Deep Sleep.

Then all of a sudden Mrs. P turns to me and says, "Turn the knob down." Actually it was more like a demand. She DEMANDED I "turn the knob down." Now Mrs. P doesn’t talk in her sleep much, but when she does it’s usually some Nag that she forgot to get in the day before. Like it’ll be 3am and she’ll roll over towards me and ask, "Did you throw out the trash?" I’m like, "Yeah, sure honey, I’ll get right on it. I was just about to do it after I finish this dream about Linda Carter and wipe the drool from my chin." And being that she’s delirious, she’ll usually accept that answer. But not this time.

She demanded I "turn the knob down" and so I asked, "What knob?" And she said it again, more emphatically, "THE KNOB, turn down THE KNOB!" Now I’m starting to get mad, realizing there is no chance of me returning to the state of bliss, the BEST part of life, the part that most resembles Death, Sleep. So I get loud with her. I’m like, "What KNOB? I have no idea what the hell you’re talking about!"

And the part that really scared me was that she wasn’t mumbling like she usually does when she’s half-asleep. She was speaking clearly. I think she may have been possessed by the Devil, or was it Whoopi Goldberg? Same thing. Center Square is where Celebrities go for all eternity when they’ve been bad. But what did Jm J. Bullock ever do to deserve that? Hmm.

But anyway, Mrs. P actually sat up and yelled at me--- while sleeping (supposedly) and ordered me AGAIN to "Turn the knob down!" What knob WOMAN?! "The Enzyme Bath, you idiot", was her reply. Oh yeah, the enzyme bath, okay, sure. Well at this point I was pissed. It’s one thing for my chick to yell at me while she’s awake, or in the kitchen, or in the car, or in a large crowded public area such as the Food Court at the local mall, but yelling at me while she’s SLEEPING, that’s where I draw the line!

I was like, "WOMAN! You’d better wake yourself! You are having a DREAM! Stop this crazy-talk and wake up!" Well that did about as much good as President Clinton’s Gun Control Legislation. Mrs. P turned to me, and said, "Turn the knob down!" Then she whispered, "incompetent." And while this was NOT THE FIRST time she’s used that word while we were in bed, this time at least, I did not deserve it. I tried one last time, "Mrs. P wake up. You are having a dream. Wake up!" So she answered THWAP! She slapped me upside the head! She HIT me in her sleep! Talking in your sleep. Okay. WALKING in your sleep, um, okay, it happens. Being a PSYCHO-HEAD-SLAPPING BIM . . . well, I think Mrs. P needs a chill from the school books. I had no choice but to give in. "Yes, I’ll turn the knob down on the Enzyme Bath thing." She was all like, "Good." Then she went back to sleep! Holy Medical Mysteries Batman! What the Heck was that? I hope people realize what doctors go through before they become doctors. They have to EARN the right to play Golf while you’re suffering through a Heart Attack. I think I have a pretty stressful job of delivering the funny-funny. But I’m not talking in sleep, yelling at my bim to "Turn the knob up! Turn the knob up! Turn the knob up on the laugh track dammit!"