JUSTIN: I watched Game 1 of the NBA Finals between the Celtics and the Lakers and I have to admit it was one of the best games I’ve ever watched and it had nothing to do at all with the game.
HOG: The game was actually exciting! Kevin Garnett looks fierce and focused! And I haven’t seen Kobe Bryant want to win anything this badly since his last Criminal Court case!
JUSTIN: Don’t get me wrong, the game was great but what made it even better was how I watched the game. You see, the worst part about any Championship game has got to be all the hype and media coverage so I just tuned all that bullsh!t out. What follows is a guide on How to enjoy a championship game without all of the annoying distractions.
HOG:Yeah! I hate when the game gets in the way of enjoying the game!
1. Music - Whether you listen to Brian White on the Pan Flute or Megadeth, tunes are the essential to any Championship game. You see anyone who’s ever watched a game knows what’s going on in the game without having to listen to some hair-sprayed idiot with extra white teeth kissing every athlete's ass and telling jokes.
Call me crazy, but I just want to focus on the game and that’s why I throw on some jams and watch the game in peace.
HOG: What?! I ENJOY the insightful commentary of the announcers! Without the announcers I’d be totally lost. I wouldn’t know who was sponsoring this time-out! How can I watch a game without knowing which thoughtful corporation is supporting our favorite under-paid athletes? Gosh, dude. Gosh.
Speaking of music, why the hell did the Celtics have James Taylor sing the National Anthem? He’s a laid-back soft-spoken singer. We’re trying to get hype for a game! The announcer was like, “EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET! SINGING OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM IS BOSTON’S OWN... JAMES TAYLOR!!! F*CK YEAH! JAMES TAYLOR!!!!”
Then James Taylor whispers the National Anthem and plays his acoustic folk singer guitar all out of tune. WTF?
If the Celtics wanted to bring in a great Boston born singer to get the crowd hype, how about... Marky Mark!
MARKY MARK: Yo! It's about that time
To bring forth the rhythm and the rhyme
I'm a get mine so get yours
I wanna see sweat comin' out your pores
On the house tip is how I'm swingin' this
Strictly Hip-Hop boy, I ain't singin' this
Bringing this to the entire nation
Black, white, red, brown
Feel the vibration!
HOG: Oh yeah.
JUSTIN: You are g@y.
2. Commercials - We all hate commercials so in this new day of technology what do you do when they come on? You change the channel. Now the trick here is that since you got your jams playing you can’t really focus on anything with dialogue in it so you need to find a channel with:
b) more sports
c) The Flavor of Love
to flip to during time-outs. Last night I flipped back and forth between Mike Tyson’s greatest knockouts and the NBA Finals for three blissful hours.
HOG: Dude, you are in love with Mike Tyson. I think you should run for President of the Mike Tyson Fan Club. I looked at back at all the articles we’ve written and you’ve mentioned Mike Tyson in 94.3% of them. Mike Tyson doesn’t even think about Mike Tyson as much as you do!
Yes, Tyson was a bad-ass in the 90’s. But so was MC Hammer and Paul Reiser from the TV show Mad About You. So to be fair, you should mention them just as much.
JUSTIN: Dude, seriously don't make me get Mike Tyson to come over there and kick your ass!
3. Beer & Wings - HogWild may not know much about beer because he prefers wine coolers and ciders but he’s on the money when it comes to hot wings. These delicious treats from heaven are the key to any sporting event and anyone who disagrees is probably Canadian.
Wings, Beer and Sports go together like Playmates, water and t-shirts, sure you can have one without the other but it’s just always more fun when they’re ALL together!
HOG:Hey! I don’t drink beer because beer makes me bloated, thus preventing me from eating more wings!
As a little amendment, I must say that the Holy Triumvirate is officially Wings, Beer, and WATCHING Sports. Because if you combine wings, beer and actually PLAYING sports you will puke all over your uniform.
NOTE: Unless you’re David Wells, in which case you’ll pitch a perfect game.
4. The Half Time Nap - Since ABC and Disney have no money they have decided to squeeze every single dollar that they can out of the NBA Finals by taking commercial breaks every two to three minutes and starting the games later so that they premier in prime time. The result is that each game is about four hours long and goes until about midnight.
Now for those of you without day jobs it’s no big deal, but for the poor chumps that have to get up at six a.m. and drag their ass to work, half time provides the perfect opportunity to kick the lazy boy back and take a power nap.
HOG: Dude! Are you committed to watching sports or not?! Half time is NOT the time for a nap! WORK is the time for a nap! You need to master the art of sleeping in your cubicle! Back in my cubicle days, I trained myself to sleep while holding the phone in one hand and a pencil in the other.
Sure, I was fired for drooling on the computer keyboard, but it was worth it because the night before I watched an extra-inning regular season baseball game. Take that, Corporate World!
JUSTIN: So in review, the key to cutting out all the nonsense and actually enjoying watching a Championship Game is:
1) Turn down the volume on your TV and jam some tunes so that you don’t have to listen to any annoying announcers
HOG: Or any annoying women. :)
2) Find an alternate channel to flip back and forth to so that you don’t have to suffer through the endless commercials
HOG: You Communist! I watch EVERY commercial! And I take NOTES! You know why? Because I support Capitalism and Democracy! USA! USA! USA!
3) Make sure you have plenty of alcohol and chicken wings to fill your belly with happiness
4) Make sure to rest up at half time so that you can be ready to drink more beer and eat more hot wings in the second half.
HOG: Or if you have a woman in your life, this would be the time that you allow her to massage you so you’re loose and ready for the next half of sports watching action! You gotta be prepared to bring this to the entire nation... black, white, red, brown....
Feel the vibration!
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