I resolve in the year 2000 A.D. of our Lord Savior Seņor Jesus Christ to:

~make a better effort to try to understand gays.

~Stop telling gay Jewish men that they are "flaming Christ-killers doomed to sit in eternal hell TWICE with no chance of finding a sale on scented candles or body lotions."

Okay, this year I promise to:

~limit vomiting to once before breakfast, twice before bed

Yo, on the real, these are my Resolutions!

~try to become more mainstream. My rap lyrics still offend some conservative monks in rural Nebraska.

Ha ha! These be my resolutes son!

~stop shooting people

~sample the other 3 hit songs from the 80’s

My resolutions are to:

~finally reply to Richard Simmons’ letters telling him I am just not interested

~stop acting so gay that even I get confused

~remember that I don’t have to sit when I pee

Resolutions v3.11 (shareware for 30 days)

~liquify a few non-essential assets and buy the U.N.

~reduce the amount of time I spend reading the D.O.J’s email

~release the final version of Vagina Windows 2000: an operating system that helps you organize your vagina and multi-task critical operations such as menstruation and urination. Allow for husband to password protect VW2000 so only authorized users can log-on to the love-pit. At the same time, multiple users can network to the same system unit, so long as the hard drive capacity is not full. Integrate Internet Explorer so users can easily surf the web while they take a breath for an IRQ interrupt. Make it truly plug n play. Improve the search utility to make it easier to find the Vaginal system components you are looking for. Include a one-touch start-up keypad.

A'ight yo, these my resolutions is:

~learn to speak proper English

I will endeavor to realize my fullest potential in the following ways:

~beg Pizza Hut to be a part of the Meatsa Trio. This will be my ticket to fame!

Together we will:

~put a stop to rumors that we are changing our name to the Buttstreak Boys

~put an end to the all-night homo orgies with N’Sync and 98 Degrees

I have a moral obligation to myself and my mindless listeners to:

~be a better person both spiritually and emotionally

My self-betterment plans for the upcoming year include:

~stop knocking on dad’s door when he’s with Marilyn, asking if I can go next

~apologize to God for creating George magazine

My pledge for the New Year is to:

~tell my dad how hurt I was when he lied to us about the affair with that cow Moooonica

~apologize to mom for hiding her NAD magazines (Nazi Arctic Dyke)

My New Yizeer Rezolushuns are to:

~make at least one person laugh every day without resorting to setting my butt on fire-- again

~Garner international fame for my patented double-penetration nose-pick

~bathe

~stop dancing naked in front of open windows when the mail man delivers

~apologize to mail man

~purchase a toe-nail clipper

~work to end world hunger by volunteering for a soup kitchen

~stop pouring soup on homeless hungry people just because in my opinion they’d be better off using the hot water for a shower

My Resolutions are to:

~stop turning myself on by squeezing my own breasts in front of the mirror

~only eat 1 breakfast per morning

~only eat 1 entire family of pigs per breakfast

~make HogWild respect me

~lower my standards for what I consider "respect." Being shouted at and spit on may be considered an honor in some cultures.

Hey Y'all, these are the fabulous Resolutions for Mwa!

~remember to shine my piercings before every date

~go out on a date

~stop using the pick-up line, "So are you a prostitute, because I'd PAY to doink YOU!"

~break my bad habit of using the Homework Helper Hotline to try to meet young bims

My stupid resolutions for the stupid New Year are to:

~buy a chainsaw to trim my Argentinean Nostril Vines

~find a stable place of residence

~Find a bim who loves me for me, and not for my collection of rare African beetles (that I keep safely hidden in my afro)

~stop urinating in mailboxes