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Trip to New York City, Part III

My SLUT Bowling Ball and Million Dollar Apartments

by  HogWild

There was more to my trip to NYC than just baseball. There was also the World Wide Whore Try-outs. I would have won but this BITCH from Singapore proved that she really was from Bangkokóif ya catch my salty smelly drift.

A cactus is supposed to GIVE you a prick, not LOOK like one.

I even pulled out my Super Jammy-Cactus Living Masochist Dildo. Oh well.


Okay, enough with the nizASTY nasty, I went to this nice Italian restaurant. And for you Midwest blondes, Iím not talking about some generic chain that dumps out a can of Spaghetti-oís and serves it in a bowl with parsley. Weíre talkiní an authentic Italiano place owned by real Italians. With real mobsters who eat there. Okay, Iím not sure about the last part. But having real Mafiosos eat at your restaurant is pretty neat. At a normal restaurant, when itís your birthday, the waiters come out and bang pots and pans and sing Happy Birthday. At this fine eatery, if you tell your server itís your birthday, the staff comes out and sprays Al Capone comes out with a strap-on Party Hat!machine gun fire yelling, ďThatís for Bruno!Ē Now THATíS cool! 


So weíre enjoying a nice meal. I get the Ziti Fajiti with the Ravioli Canoli. Then this piano player is like playing some stupid song all loud. I thought you were supposed to tickle the ivories, not CRUSH them. I couldnít hear myself think. And thatís hard to do, because Iím one of those obnoxious people who thinks out loud. I had to do something. His piano was driving me crazy. So I go up to this silver haired nub and Iím like, ďI have a request.Ē And his eyes light up with excitement. Iím like, ďCan you please play Silent Night. Emphasis on the SILENT!Ē I could tell he didnít like my Hog Humor because he was muttering something in Italian that sounded like, ďIím going to break your kneecaps with a crowbar until your legs look like Manicotti.Ē


Now I know you know how expensive it is to live in ManHatiní (Manhattan for you nubs who donít know). I heard that the nub who runs AMAZON.COM just bought an 8 million unit Apartment. Holy Hardcovers! Wait, hasnít his company like, never made a profit? Do you know how many ď... For DummiesĒ Books heís gonna have to sell now? 8 MILLION bacon bits for an APARTMENT! For THAT price he could have made the State of INDIANA his apartment. Itís in a great location. His place would overlook Illinois and Ohio. And his backyard would be Kentucky. Daaaaamn! I donít care if his place is right in ManHatiní and it has a pool. Itís still an apartment. Heís got neighbors and stuff. And it IS an apartment in NYC. That means utilities, water, and mutant ninja roaches are included. Damn it costs a lot of money to live in New York. I saw this dude begging on 43rd Street. He was like, ďI canít make the rent.Ē He was looking all ragged too. Turns out he was paying $1000 a month to live in a DUMPSTER! He was all like, ďBut itís in the CITY!Ē So I gave him a crisp unit in exchange for his signature. So does anyone wanna buy Arsenio and Damon Wayans. What the hell happened? Urkle had a longer run than those two.Arsenio Hallís autograph? 


And I swear the pigeons have no feelings. They arenít intimidated by you. They flex at you. And one tried to sell me a Rolex! And I donít know what the hell theyíre eating! This one pigeon dropped a bomb right in front of me. I think he excreted his pancreas!


Those 2 nubs are actually setting up a "hit."

So anyhoo, Iím out chilliní with my Hogs, Russ & Sang. We go the ESPN cafe because they consider me a tourist since Iíve been in Ohio for so long. So I got the $10 ESPN burger. Itís like a regular hamburger except it cost twice as much. And the menu was ill. The ESPN part had good food. Except the ďSports CenterĒ Special was repeated 13 times throughout. The ESPN Classic section featured old food that they reheat. And the ESPN2 section was just crap menu items that no one wanted except maybe for 13 year old skateboarders.

Russ! Click to check out his sweet site.Ladies, Sang has the mad F.E.P. (Future Earning Potential) so give him a shout while he's still available!

Gross! They had Martina Narvotilova's remains on the wall! Wait, is she still alive? No, she'd be 146.

But I must say, this place is 1000% times better than the All-Scrub Cafe or Hard Jock Cafe, or Planet Follywood. That had some memorabilia and junk. But they had TVís EVERYWHERE, which is cool. But they also had an entire floor of video games! Awesome! It was a Sports Heaven up there. But damn, video games are expensive now. I was like, I got a quarter, let me play Pac-Man for Ĺ an hour. Sorry. Every game was like 2 units. And you donít stand in front anymore. You sit in the car, you straddle the motorcycle, you put your legs on the snowboard, you grab the fishing rod   . . . Now hold up! I can understand the other games. Itís exciting to simulate a race car going 200 mph. But to simulate FISHING! How long does it take to PLAY this game? 6 hours? Itís like you cast your string or whatever the hell you call it, and you wait for a can of tuna. Wow, thatís cool.  Forget crushing Pepsi cans, how about crushing that stupid singing Pepsi GIRL?!

They featured a Pepsi racer made entirely of crushed soda cans. Last I heard, an Urban Nomad car-jacked it and recycled his way to being a Millionaire.

Sang is an eligible bachelor who is tired of the mail-order bride scene. Contact him now!

My boy Sang whooped our rumps in racing. Who says Asians can't drive?!


Or you throw a giant bagel into the water and wait for a salmon to bite. Fishing might be fun in real life, but no way as a video game. Whatís next? Arcade Library? Your mission is to learn the Dewey Decimal System in under 3 minutes. You race to the periodical section against 3 other nerds in head-to-head action. Gimme a break! Fishing should not be in the arcade. And neither should Figure Skating! Unless itís the Tonya Harding version. Up-left-right does a triple axel jump. Left-right builds up speed. Up-down-attack button swings a baseball bat into your opponent. 


And there were mad hotties up in that piece! Yes yes. Lots of hot foreign tourist bims looking for a piece of American Pie. Looking for a Cyber Jock like me. I was like, ďHey baby. Check out that high score. You like that, huh?Ē When a girl slams 4 quarters in between your teeth, thatís a sign of affection, right?

Japan's revenge for dropping the Bomb.My old Nintendo skills were not helping.


Itís been a while since we last all hung out. So I guess they forgot how retarded I am. Itís about 10 pm and we decide to catch a cab to go bowling. So we get picked up and I break one of the unwritten rules of New York City. NEVER SPEAK TO THE CABBIE UNLESS ITíS ABOUT DIRECTIONS. Yes, I admit it. And I may never be re-admitted to NY again because of this. But youíre not supposed to make conversation. Youíre supposed to consider them robots who only drive. But if they were really robots, how would they build up such an awesome odor? 


I made with the convo with our cabbie. His last name was Singh, so I asked him if he sang. Innocent question, no? I asked him if he thought being a cab driver was dangerous. I mean, they do have bullet proof glass between the passengers and the driver. He said no. He said it was much more dangerous where he used to live. He said Harlem was like Candyland. He was a good guy. He loves America and heís making an honest living. He also said, that to his knowledge, no one has had sex in his backseat. 


So we got to the place and it was a good time. We got CARDED! Can you believe that? So I had to show my Ohio license. How humiliating. The bouncer nub was like, ďIs this a fake? How come thereís no straw hat in your picture?Ē Ha Ha HaóSHUT UP! 


It was a great time talking about old High School memories. How we were all captain of the Football team, remembering all the hot bims we scored with, being named King at the Prom. (Life is better when you totally make up your memories.) So I had to use this 45 pound concrete bowling ball because I couldnít find my usual 6 pound girlie ball. But then, I found it! My baby! A beautiful, little pink bowling ball! My game improved dramatically. I almost bowled my body temperature!


Yes, I named myself HOGWILD.NET so the scoreboard would promote my site. PROMOTE BABY, PROMOTE! I also paid a hooker to tattoo HOGWILD.NET on her buttocks.  

This place is for real! Only a serious bowling alley has a vending machine stocked with SOCKS. I bought me a pair of multi-colored tube socks.


It was so nice to find my little girl. I stuck my fingers inóoh so nice and warm and tight. I was bowling great. It was a romance. Strike, spare . . . But then--- she did me wrong. Like all bims eventually do. My girl, went back into the gutter! Sheís a SLUT! A SLUT I tell you! And then, to make things worse, she kept giving me the split, but no head. She wouldnít knock down the Head Pin. I HATE that!

Coming soon Part 4, at the New York Yankees game

Nothing says Manly like a nub wearing multi-colored shoes, holding a pink-orange ball.

My SLUT bowling ball.

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