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Trip to New York City, Part V

The Perfect Booty & the SUV Limo

by  HogWild

Da Bronx baby! Okay time to wrap this bitch up. Heading back to my original homeland of New York was a lot of fun. Especially heading back to the Bronx. You know what they say, “You can take the boy out the Bronx. But not the Bronx out the Boy.” Apparently, “they” didn’t have great grammar. But anyways, only in the Bronx would you see this. 

A stretch SUV limo. Daaaaaaamn! I wanted to snap a picture so bad but uh, this is like the Bronx and I bet it wasn’t a foreign dignitary. 

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Besides baseball I also went to the Roosevelt Mall in Long Island. That place is nutso. What the hell, they offer Valet Parking! This mall was the first I’d ever been to with a COVER charge! So of course I had to act my own stupid HogWild self in the mall. There was this mad hottie there. So I crept up on her and ran a line. Fa'get yo, you prissy Biiiiiiiiiiiitch!
She said her name was Snow. I was slick, “So I hear you like dwarves. Well I’ve got dwarf-like FEATURES.”

Daaaaamn, I’ve never been slapped by a Disney character before!

Then there was the toy store. Oh I love me a toy store! So much fun! So much creativity! So many small innocent boys! No, I’m just kidding. If there’s one thing I can’t comprehend it’s why a grown man would want to touch a child. That’s just sick. But it any case, I’m sure I looked like a Pedo the way I was carrying on. Man, 
I can just imagine little yuppie-kids leanin’ back in the Mercedes, honkin’ the horn. Got their sweater vest on, trying to pick up that blonde in pig-tails. Then rides up baby HogWild. Me at age 7. Hair all greasy. Just one hair on my chin. Lookin’ mean. Pull up in my loud Dukes of Hazard Big Wheels with the baseball card on the wheel. Vrrrrrrrrrrooom! “Hey little lady! Forget that prep! Come ride with the HOG!” Man I was cool back then. It was all downhill from 2nd grade on. 


Oh, and I almost got punched in the mouth at the Toy Store. Some loser Star Wars freak. I dared mock Han Solo. This nub from planet Freakazoid got all in my grill, “What are you doing?! Do you realize that is a classic film? Han Solo was trapped by Jabba the Hut and . . .” Whatever dumbass. I don’t need you to recant the entire script. You probably stood outside of the premiere of Spaceballs with a picket sign. I was like, “That’s why your girl looks like an Ewok.”


But finally it was time to head back to the Media Mecca of the Midwest, Dayton, Ohio. And, this always seems to happen, hot bims in the airport. That’s why a lot of nubs can’t find a sexy broad to date. Because they’re always in transit! It’s like the long legged ladies travel the country, never to settle down, just to mock horn-dog males in airports who haven’t seen their wives in a week. This one bim I saw, MAN, she had the perfect bottom. It was fantastic. But she was as ugly as a dog. But her butt was incredible. Not fat, just perfectly sculpted. The perfect roundness quotient, not too wide, just 100% firm beef. It was SO perfect. It was as if she’d never sat down in her life. How could she? She’d have to balance herself on her squeezie-cushions. What a fantastic fanny. It was like she was wearing Miracle Panties. Do they make those?

Hog's Escaped!     Again.

Then there was this hot bim with her mom. Bim looked about 19 years old. She was so fine. Long dark hair. Slender but not too skinny. Now, I’m not in the meat market anymore. I’ve got my wonderful wifey at home, but I was thinking, what can a nub do? Hot bim with her mom at the airport. The answer is actually simple. DOUBLE DATE!


I board the plane to go back. Not surprisingly it wasn’t nearly as full as the one that left Dayton to New York. I think some Daytonians got lost in New York or they’ll end up on the News. “Small Town Tourist found Dead of Exhaustion in Red Light District”

 New Jersey smells because Lady Liberty is from France! And her armpits are downwind to them! I got a window seat. And this nub across the aisle has this NEED to see out of MY window. He’s all rubbernecking and peering out my window. He’s practically in my lap just so he can look out the window at NY. It was so annoying! So I slammed the window shut and barked, “BUY A POSTCARD!”


See, you can take the Boy out New York, but not the New York out the Boy.

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