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Trip to New York City, Part I

by  HogWild


So I go to NYC on a little HogWild bidnezz. Also to see the Mamadukes and Papadukes and some old High School buddies ‘o mine. So I did what any computer-geek-a-zoid would do, I booked my plane tickets from the Media Mecca of the Midwest out to the Media Mecca of the East. But little did I know that I had inadvertently selected the ALL-GAY Flight!

Momdukes with Larryman (Papadukes). Married for 28 years and 28,000 arguments!

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner owes half his fortune to my Mom and Dad.


I mean, when I had made my selections I chose my price range, dates of travel, window seat, etc. But I don’t recall clicking any checkbox that required all the Stewardesses to be male Flight Fairies! We’re talking an all-male staff! The Faggy Flight Fairies, the pilot, the co-pilot . . . I swear, I think the Captain flew the plane just by flapping his limp wrists!


Window Seat Preferred

Entirely Homosexual Staff

OOPS! I guess I did click it!


And as you know, I have nothing against Gays, Queers, and those others (trans-gendered, trans-atlantic, transformer, transit cops). But it was just a bit unexpected that’s all. Even the PASSENGERS were all queerbos! So I tried to escape reality. I listened to the onboard music—Barbra Streisand—of course! The in-flight movie, some Julia Roberts chick flick! And since when did they change the standard issue flight attendants uniform to include buttless leather chaps! Good Golly, Mother of Molly!  


So tinted hair Dude asks me, “Would you like some Honey-Roasted peanuts?” I was like, “I bet they are!”

And the other guy was like a Stewardess in Training. (But I think making him wear a training BRA was little over the line. Homo Hazing if you ask me.) But he was all nervous reading the Greetings and Safety Instructions. He had everything written down on note cards and we was like trembling and stuff. The other Flight Fairy had to comfort him: “It’s okay Charles. The first time can be little nerve-racking, especially with an audience and all. Just take deep breaths and relax your sphincter.” JEREMY! Goddammit! He did NOT say that! I swear, one day I hope you choke on your breakfast burrito you bloated barnyard animal!

They were mad celebrities on my all-gay flight to New York!

I want my Sex!

George "Public Display of Self-Affection" Michael 

I'd like to Sit on a Candle and pass Wind

Elton "Harriet" John 

ooga-aaga grease me up buttercup!

The Teletubbies!


But I couldn’t believe nub was nervous! You’re not on stage! You’re a flight attendant! You wear a little pair of wings on your shirt. You put a clip-on tie every morning. A male flight attendant is one notch below an assistant meter maid! Just chill dude! Ain’t nobody listening to your lispy announcements anyway!


But I saw my chance. Every chance I get—HOGWILD.NET! Gotta promote. I’m shameless like that. I stuck business cards in every one of those stupid airline magazines. I wondered aloud in my seat, “HMM! I WONDER WHAT I’M MISSING ON HOGWILD.NET TODAY! IT IS ALWAYS A SOURCE OF LAUGHTER AND COMFORT IN THIS CRAZY MIXED UP WORLD OF OURS! IT IS MY ON-LINE SOURCE FOR SEMI-HILARIOUS COMEDY. PLUS HE HAS SOME REALLY GROSS FART JOKES!”

It's Hog's Destiny to Dominate the Dork Demographic.

I figured no one would recognize me dressed like a dork. But alas, they did. I forgot that I ALWAYS dress like a dork! 

So the airline waitress is stuttering with his announcements. I see my opportunity and I took it! I grabbed the phone-announcer thing out of his hand and started doing stand-up. I thought I was doing great, but people starting reaching for the vomit bags and the oxygen masks dropped from the ceiling. Oh well.


So I settled myself down and got ready for the flight to New York: the city that never bathes. I’m trying to relax and Homo Helper comes up besides me, crouches down and asks, “Is your seat belt fastened low and tight around you waist, sir?” Now, hold up! I’ve seen many a gay porno that started this way. (Um, it was a rough time in my life. Actually, it was for a book report, uh, JEREMY!) I couldn’t believe he asked me that. So I was just like, “Nub, with you around, my seatbelt is fastened lower and tighter than ever before!” He seemed offended by that and he traipsed off.


I turned my attention out the window. What I saw was mind boggling. These 2 stupid birds were ridiculing us! They were taking long, exaggerated runs before they would take off and fly. Basically they were making fun of the fact that we need a big aluminum can to fly and they don’t. Then after take-off they’re STILL making fun of us. But it wasn’t so funny when they got SUCKED UP into the Jet engine, was it? Ha!


I had a pretty nice single seat next to the window, no one to fight for the armrest with-- and more importantly—no buttock spillage to contend with. There was one thing though. The nub in front of me 

I found out later, that poor nub was none other than Bruce Willis! 

was balding. And I swear his hair follicles were looking at me. They teased me, “One day you’ll be like this too!” What I was seeing were the ghosts of his former hairline! Aaaah! I don’t want to go bald! I don’t want to go to the beach and have to have some one lotion up my exposed skull! Waaaah! Please God, spare me! I wonder how many nubs, if you broke it down and said, "You must go to Church every week and be a firm believer or else you will lose your hair by age 30" would suddenly become hardcore religious fanatics. I would. Hell, I’d even stop sacrificing chickens for that! But just in case I DO go bald, I HAVE never , and WILL never shave my grapes.

To be continued . . .

Part 2 coming soon!

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