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Trip to New York City, Part I by HogWild |
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So I go to NYC on a little HogWild bidnezz. Also to see the Mamadukes and Papadukes and some old High School buddies ‘o mine. So I did what any computer-geek-a-zoid would do, I booked my plane tickets from the Media Mecca of the Midwest out to the Media Mecca of the East. But little did I know that I had inadvertently selected the ALL-GAY Flight! |
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner owes half his fortune to my Mom and Dad. |
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I mean, when I had made my selections I chose my price range, dates of travel, window seat, etc. But I don’t recall clicking any checkbox that required all the Stewardesses to be male Flight Fairies! We’re talking an all-male staff! The Faggy Flight Fairies, the pilot, the co-pilot . . . I swear, I think the Captain flew the plane just by flapping his limp wrists! OOPS! I guess I
did click it! |
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And
as you know, I have nothing against Gays, Queers, and those others (trans-gendered,
trans-atlantic, transformer, transit cops). But it was just a bit unexpected
that’s all. Even the PASSENGERS were all queerbos! So I tried to
escape reality. I listened to the onboard music—Barbra Streisand—of
course! The in-flight movie, some Julia Roberts chick flick! And
since when did they change the standard issue flight attendants uniform to
include buttless leather chaps! Good Golly, Mother of Molly! |
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So
tinted hair Dude asks me, “Would you like some Honey-Roasted
peanuts?” I was like, “I bet they are!” And the other guy was like a Stewardess in Training. (But I think making him wear a training BRA was little over the line. Homo Hazing if you ask me.) But he was all nervous reading the Greetings and Safety Instructions. He had everything written down on note cards and we was like trembling and stuff. The other Flight Fairy had to comfort him: “It’s okay Charles. The first time can be little nerve-racking, especially with an audience and all. Just take deep breaths and relax your sphincter.” JEREMY! Goddammit! He did NOT say that! I swear, one day I hope you choke on your breakfast burrito you bloated barnyard animal! |
They were mad celebrities on
my all-gay flight to New York!
George "Public Display of Self-Affection" Michael Elton "Harriet" John The Teletubbies! |
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But
I couldn’t believe nub was nervous! You’re not on stage! You’re
a flight attendant! You wear a little pair of wings on your shirt.
You put a clip-on tie every morning. A male flight attendant is one
notch below an assistant meter
maid! Just chill dude! Ain’t nobody listening to your lispy announcements
anyway! |
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But
I saw my chance. Every chance I get—HOGWILD.NET! Gotta promote.
I’m shameless like that. I stuck business cards in every one of those
stupid airline magazines. I wondered aloud in my seat, “HMM! I WONDER
WHAT I’M MISSING ON HOGWILD.NET TODAY! IT IS ALWAYS A SOURCE OF LAUGHTER
AND COMFORT IN THIS CRAZY MIXED UP WORLD OF OURS! IT IS MY ON-LINE SOURCE
FOR SEMI-HILARIOUS COMEDY. PLUS HE HAS SOME REALLY GROSS FART JOKES!” |
I figured no one would recognize me dressed like a dork. But alas, they did. I forgot that I ALWAYS dress like a dork! |
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So
the airline waitress is stuttering with his announcements. I see my
opportunity and I took it! I grabbed the phone-announcer thing out of his
hand and started doing stand-up. I thought I was doing great, but
people starting reaching for the vomit bags and the oxygen masks
dropped from the ceiling. Oh well. |
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So
I settled myself down and got ready for the flight to New York: the
city that never bathes. I’m trying to relax and Homo Helper comes
up besides me, crouches down and asks, “Is your seat belt
fastened low and tight around you waist, sir?” Now, hold up!
I’ve seen many a gay porno that started this way. (Um, it was a rough
time in my life. Actually, it was for a book report, uh, JEREMY!) I
couldn’t believe he asked me that. So I was just like, “Nub, with you
around, my seatbelt is fastened lower and tighter than ever
before!” He seemed offended by that and he traipsed off. |
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I
turned my attention out the window. What I saw was mind boggling.
These 2 stupid birds were ridiculing us! They were taking long, exaggerated
runs before they would take off and fly. Basically they were making
fun of the fact that we need a big aluminum can to fly and they don’t.
Then after take-off they’re STILL making fun of us. But it wasn’t so
funny when they got SUCKED UP into the Jet engine, was it? Ha! |
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I had a pretty nice single seat next to the window, no one to fight for the armrest with-- and more importantly—no buttock spillage to contend with. There was one thing though. The nub in front of me |
I found out later, that poor nub was none other than Bruce Willis! |
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was
balding. And I swear his hair follicles were looking at me.
They teased me, “One day you’ll be like this too!” What I was
seeing were the ghosts of his former hairline! Aaaah! I don’t
want to go bald! I don’t want to go to the beach and have to have some
one lotion up my exposed skull! Waaaah! Please God, spare
me! I wonder how many nubs, if you broke it down and said, "You must
go to Church every week and be a firm believer or else you will lose your
hair by age 30" would suddenly become hardcore religious fanatics. I
would. Hell, I’d even stop sacrificing chickens for that! But
just in case I DO go bald, I HAVE never , and WILL never shave my grapes. To
be continued . . . Part 2 coming soon! |
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