A Woman Who Wants to Settle

by HogWild

I’m tired of dating all these silly girls. I’m ready. I’m finally looking for a nice girl who wants to settle.

Not settle down. Just settle. For me.

I want a bim whose dreams have been shattered.

A bim whose boyfriend tore her heart out and juggled it as he ran away to the circus. I want a bim whose relationships usually end up with her in tears and him in an orange jumpsuit. I want a bim whose given up searching for Prince Charming and is willing to settle for Jester Jackass.

I want a bim with no hope.

This is the kind of girl who will appreciate me. If she’s been thrown in the gutter, ANYTHING’S a step up!

Because this is the life cycle of my relationships: U.D.C. Understanding. Demaaaaaaaanding. COMMANDING!

* At first she’s understanding. “You forgot our anniversary?! Oh, that’s okay. I know you’re the scatter-brained creative type. It’s okay. Would you like to have sex now? In my mouth?”

That would be the briefest phase. Next she’s:

* Demaaaaaaanding.  “I WANT new shoes. I WANT romance. I WANT you to bathe.”

* Then she’s COMMANDING! She only knows how to start a sentence with a verb. “WASH the dishes. FLUSH the toilet. GET out of my apartment.”

I need a girl in another state of mind. I need a girlfriend in a coma. Mohammed ain’t MY prophet – MORRISSEY of The Smiths is MY prophet i need a girlfriend in a coma i know i know it’s serious i’m not being cruel I’d treat her right i’d bring her flowers every time i saw her but if i forgot one time she’s NOT -------- gonna complain. She’d be a real good listener. And so would I. She’s wouldn’t mind when my buddies came over. And best of all, there would be a natural conclusion to the relationship:

BEEP. BEEP. BEEEEEEEEP. [FLATLINE.]

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