JUSTIN: Sometimes the comedy gods smile down upon you and give you a joke that has so much potential that you can write an entire column about it.
So to the big man upstairs I would like to say thank you for letting the Memphis Grizzlies draft Kevin Love with the fifth pick. Why is that so important to me?
We'll get to that in a minute but first we have to take a trip back in the time machine to the 2006 Draft when the Memphis Grizzlies drafted Rudy Gay.
Not only did it give the Grizzlies a talented swingman to build their team around but it also led to basketball commentators saying things like, "Gay takes it hard inside and rams it down the hole over Garnett."
You see jokes like that never get old, well, unless you’re Rudy Gay or Rudy Gay’s parents.
HOG: Or you're over the age of 12.
Dude, I think you really DID bang your head against the wall after the Celtics victory. And now the mental retardation has set in.
JUSTIN: This coming from the man that peppered last week's column with New Kids on the Block jokes?
HOG: Hey! Those were very MATURE New Kids on the Block jokes! :) Besides, it's not Rudy's fault that his last name is Gay. But the New Kids act gay on purpose!
JUSTIN: When the Memphis Grizzlies took Kevin Love from UCLA with the fifth pick of the draft I must admit that I nearly p!ssed myself. That's right, the Memphis Grizzlies have decided to bank their future on Gay-Love!!!
Dear God, the only thing left for the Grizzlies to do is to bring back the old Denver Nuggets jerseys with the Gay Pride Rainbow on them.
HOG: Ugh. A Kiki Vandeweghe jersey. Brings back rough memories for me. See, growing up in the Bronx I was the only white guy in my neighborhood playing basketball. So at first the other kids called me Larry Bird because he was the only white player they knew.
Then they realized I wasn’t that good, so they downgraded me and started calling me Kiki Vandeweghe. Then they decided I wasn’t even good enough to be Kiki. So they started calling me Wonder Bread.
JUSTIN: You can't tell me you wouldn’t giggle every time you heard an announcer say something like, “Love with the rebound, outlet pass to Gay who throws an alley oop back to Love who slams it down and gives the Grizzlies a 10 point lead. My goodness Gay-Love has taken over this game!”
HOG: And just wait until the camera gets a shot of Gay patting Love’s ass after a good play. I guess it would be kinda funny to see Gay and Love sitting next to each other on the bench just to read “Gay Love.”
My All-Time List of Most Awesome NBA Players I want to see sit next to each other on the bench:
Kidd – Boozer
Redd - Johnson
Gay - Bird
Gay – Kidd
Gay – Rodman
Gay - Outlaw
Gay - Johnson
Prince – Gay
Gay - King
Gay - Worthy
Gay – Cheeks
Johnson - Pierce
JUSTIN: Don't forget:
Okay I think we hit them all.
Now who's 12 years old?! Wait, don't answer that.
HOG: I know you are, but what am I?! :)
JUSTIN: My head was spinning and then from out of nowhere the Minnesota Timberwolves called up the Grizzlies and traded OJ Mayo for Mike Miller and Kevin Love absolutely ruining my dream of the FUNNIEST player combo EVER!!!
HOG: Yes, but now you have an even BETTER combo... Gay – Mayo. Now THAT’s funny!
JUSTIN: Or Mayo-Gay's combo. Sounds like an order from a Gay deli.
HOG: I live in New York City. We have those. They're awesome! Lots of seating in the rear. They specialize in sandwiches like pastrami, tongue, and corn-holed beef.
Awwwww!!! HA HA HA!
JUSTIN: Damn you Kevin Mchale and your stupid trades! Not only did you trade Kevin Garnett to the Celtics, practically gift wrapping the title for them, but then you go and take away Gay-Love from America…Hee-hee-hee…Sorry even I’m giggling now.
Our only hope now is if next year the Grizzlies draft a player named Yurso or Pride. Or if Minnesota drafts a player named Bigt!tties. Okay now I'm just getting ridiculous but it's only because Kevin McHale crushed my comedy dreams!!!
HOG: You have very very stupid dreams. The only dream you have that’s more ridiculous is your Texas Rangers winning a World Series before the turn of the Century! HA HA! Maybe your Rangers should get Gay to play baseball so they can stick Gay in the 2 hole to set the table for the big boys trying to knock him in.
JUSTIN: Dare to dream, I say, DARE TO DREAM!