JUSTIN: With all of the Mixed Martial Arts events, Boxing matches and America’s attraction to violence in general, it makes me wonder why the sport of Sumo Wrestling hasn’t caught on in the states yet.
Lord knows there’s no shortage of fat asses in this country to fill a roster, but my guess is the thought of wearing a diaper that’s made out of a queen sized sheet turns off most fat dudes who would be interested in the sport. So with that in mind, HogWild and I have come up with some ideas to make Sumo Wrestling more popular in America.
HOG: We have?
1 - Legalize steroids: These dudes are freaking huge already so why not just go all the way and allow them to take steroids? Not only would this give the sport an edge but can you imagine the monsters that would be created? Think Ivan Drago from Rocky 4 combined with Fat Bastard from Austin Powers II terrorizing the ring in a roid rage. I don't know about you but I'd pay more to see that than De La Hoya versus Mayweather II.
HOG: I think if a fat guy were to go on steroids he would make more money as Offensive Lineman in the NFL... So he’d have to do it for the love of the giving wedgies.
I think it would be more fun to inject them with baked beans. Imagine the thunderous internal explosions! I want to see a Sumo Wrestler hold his opponent’s face to his barely covered blubbery butt and fire off a huge stink cannon. It would awesome to see the skin on the guy’s face blow back like he was a dog with his head hanging out the car window on the highway.
2 - 86 the Diapers: Americans get freaked out by male nudity, especially big fat humongous male nudity. So in the spirit of attracting more fans, let's cover up all the male boobies and throw a unitard over these guys.
JUSTIN: Seriously, if the NBA was smart enough to get rid of ho shorts in the 80’s then the United Sumo Foundation (I just made that up) can come up with something better than big giant man thongs.
HOG: I 100% disagree. Diapers are what makes Sumo Wrestling unique. I say go HogWild with this concept! Give these huge 600 pound guys pacifiers and bibs! And let them throw applesauce and string beans at each other!
And forget having a corner man attend to cuts. Have a mommy ready to breast-feed! Hey, if I was hurting, suckling on snuggle-bubbles would make ME feel better!
3- Americanize Sumo Wrestling: Americans love Wrestling so why not add a few aspects that make the sport so popular here in America with the aspects that make it so popular overseas. For instance, Tag Team Sumo Wrestling!
Just imagine if your favorite Sumo wrestler was about to get pushed out of the ring when all of a sudden, NOOOOOOO! His partner comes in and smashes his opponent over the head with a steel chair! It's out of control as the match carries over into the stands crushing audience members in the process. MY GOD the horror! You're telling me you wouldn't check that out on YouTube?
HOG: That’s a great start! Popular American sports also include lots of scoring, lots of strategy and most importantly -- lots of time-outs.
So I say, in addition to allowing each Sumo Wrestler to call 12 time-outs during each half of the match, award points for the following actions:
1 point: pushing opponent out of the ring
2 points: slapping opponent’s face with a large slice of ham
3 points: nipple-twist
4 points: noogie
5 points: belly-slap
6 points: pinning opponent to mat while smothering his face in your fat globby armpit
7 points: pulling opponent’s diaper over his head
3,000 points: Going br-r-r-r-r-r-r-ewski between his mooters (Man Hooters)
And this has nothing to do with anything but I think it would be cool to see 2 huge Sumo Wrestlers enter the ring getting all hyped up and slapping their big arms. Then they face-off in the middle of the ring to the cheering of thousands of fans and then they shoot out Rock, Paper, Scissors. And that’s it. No wrestling. Just 2 huge dudes in diapers playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. HA HA!
F&*^ you guys, that’s funny to me.
4 - Chicks, baby, chicks: No, not little chickens HogWild, I’m talking about the one thing that every red blooded American male, and most of the WNBA loves and that’s...
JUSTIN: ... hot women!
They have rounds in Sumo Wrestling so why not throw a stripper in a thong and have her walk around the ring with a round card above her head? Just imagine big giant dudes pushing and shoving each other around the ring and then all of the sudden here comes Bambi in her Gold thong, sponsored by the New York Yankees, to announce the round.
HOG: Why would the Yankees sponsor a Sumo Wrestling match?
Appropriate Sponsors for Sumo Wrestling:
* The National Council of Pork Producers
* Xenical prescription medication for those with Type-2 Diabetes
JUSTIN: Honestly with all of these ideas that HogWild and I come up with you know it’s only a matter of time before some sport hires us to boost popularity, but until then we’ll just keep running them by you guys!
HOG: Yeah, it’s amazing that no one from these sports has hired us — or forced us to wear adult diapers while slapping us in the face with a large slice of ham!