What did you THINK would happen to me if I wore that tie in public? What kind of DORK wears a tie that has a computer on it? Sure it would make a semi-amusing background for my Desktop, but to actually WEAR it? I might as well hang a sign around my neck that says, "Choke me, I have No Friends that will Save Me."

Gosh-dilly Mom you should KNOW better. Remember when I was in 7^th grade and you convinced me that Izod shirts were still in? Remember how my classmates would try to rip off the Alligator? Remember how they instead dislocated my nipple? Damn those 7^th grade girls were mean!

Dislocating your nipple is NOT fun! And that BOOTLEG health plan you had sent me to that QUACK doctor who sewed it back on all messed up. Now I’m the only nub whose nipples look cross-eyed.

Now Dad, I’d expect this kind of gift from you. You ARE a computer geek. Remember when I told you about that girl I liked in Middle School? You told me to write a poem in BASIC.

10 Print "I think you’re cute"

20 Goto 10

Thanks Dad! That really worked. Her friend came up to me and relayed the message:

"Jenny told me to tell you this,

Line 10 Print "Sherwood is a big loser"

Line 20 Goto 10 because you’ll NEVER go out with me"

So that’s why I’m selling your present on F-Bay—the auction site for stuff that was too crappy for anybody to buy on E-Bay.