Y2Kiss My Ass!

by HogWild

The biggest scandals in American history: Watergate, the Black Sox World Series, Iran-Contra, O.J., Mooonica Crude-inksy, Snap, Krackle, & Pop hiding the truth that Rice Krispies™ don’t say TISH! And now, Y2K. Y2K! Y2KISS MY ASS! What a bunch of unkosher bologna!

My cereal is about as talkative as a mime with a sore throat.

My fellow Hogs, we have been hoodwinked! Bamboozled! And tricked even! Like when you were a freshman in High School, how a Senior sold you a pool pass—and the school had no pool! Deceived! Like when you first came to HOGWILD.NET expecting it to be funny! It was all horse-poop! Big smelly, green horse-poop! And I can not believe that no one is as outraged as I am. Did our TV news not tell us to stock up on canned string beans? Did the stores not try to sell us generators with a no-return policy? And we fell for it! (Well not me, because I didn’t have a coupon, but "we" in the collective mob-moron mentality.)

THIS IS HORSE-POOP! Manure has long been a means of expressing extreme dissatisfaction.

Planes will fall from the sky they said! HA! In reporting on Y2K, the media was about as responsible as a drunk Gary Glitter around a bunch of kids. For those of you who don’t know, he’s a FREAKING PEDOPHILE! NBC showed that Y2K movie where the power went out. Good move Peacock Network! See, TV News WANTED horrible things to happen, that way they’d have something to report on. But no, it was a big disappointment. It was kind of like the Super Bowl usually is. It’s the big day and all, but really there ain’t much excitement that’s gonna happen.

Nike had a commercial where the world was collapsing as this nub is jogging in his overpriced Koreas. Tanks roamed the streets. Chaos ensued. What was their new positioning statement supposed to be? "Y2K Terrorism, Just Do It."

The Hot New Air Koreas! Who knew overworked,  skinny South Korean women could make us jump higher?

And you know that worldwide, 30 hour coverage of New Year’s Eve events was NOT some attempt at promoting global unity. It was about being live on location in case some SCUD missiles went flying. That’s why Peter Jennings was out there. He was dreaming all night about being able to report,

News Coverage went Around the World, combing the globe for riots and human misfortune.

"Folks, here we are in Jerusalem, the religious capital of the World. Just 60 seconds to the Millennium here in the Middle East. You can see security is a little tense about the celebration, but on-lookers are jubilant with anticipation. It’s a SEA OF HUMANITY out here. 3, 2, 1 it’s MIDNIGHT! We’ve reached 2000 in Israel! And there go the beautiful fireworks! And, what’s this, oh my God! It’s raining missiles! Iraq has launched a full nuclear attack! Head for the hills! Take all your money out of the bank and stuff it under your mattress! Bury your head in the sand! Oh my God, it’s a SEA OF HUMAN CARNAGE out here! Blood, bones, and yarmulkes litter the streets! This can only mean WORLD WAR III! Oh, and I think I see aliens landing in New Jersey. It’s absolute MAYHEM out here. Okay, back to you Jim in the Studio."

But it didn’t happen. All that hype, and nothing. Kind of like the Cleveland Browns’ return to the NFL. Insignificant to the rest of the world. And that’s why there are mad bloated people walking around right now. They’ve had to drink all that bottled water they bought. Jeremy bought enough water to fill up all the tanks in Sea World. Which would be a crying shame, except, he LIVES in one of those tanks at Sea World!

It would be most appropriate for Charlie Brown to be outfitted in a Cleveland uniform.

The only good thing that came out of Y2K was the "Y2K means Say Yes 2 Kia" ads. Good for Kia Cars, bad for people who expect automobiles to be reliable modes of transportation. Not to say Kia isn’t a good brand, after all, it is billed as the "Cadillac" of Geo Metros. It gets like 600 miles to the gallon, but rain tends to dent the hood. It comes with fancy extras like seatbelts and all, but what’s the point of that when you’re driving a car that was nicknamed "the Accordion" by Crash Test scientists.

So Y2K is gone. Thank goody goodness and Goobers and Mr. Goodbar. Catch ya at Y-3-K, when we’ve all evolved into Lizards to withstand the intense heat of a planet whose Ozone layer looks like Bruce Willis’ hair-line.

With any luck, we will be able to use Bruce Willis' head to reflect the harmful sun's rays back up, out of the atmosphere.