Daily Planners of the Stars on HOGWILD.NET

9:00am	*Wake-up*
9:10am	*brush teeth, gargle mouthwash and then swallow because it has high alcohol content*
9:30am	*eat breakfast: cold cereal, cornflakes in a bowl with amaretto. Remember Vitamin C: wash it down with a screwdriver.*
9:45am	*Don't forget nutritional supplements: crush muli-vitamin pill into a power, put powder in doobie along with hash, smoke—wash down with a beer*
10:00am	*weigh self*
10:15am	*vomit*
10:45am	*stop vomiting*
10:50am	*wash taste out with a shot of whiskey*
11:00am	*weigh self*
11:15am	*vomit*
11:45am	*stop vomiting*
11:50am	*wash taste out with a shot of whiskey*
12noon	*weigh self*
12:15pm	*vomit*
12:45pm	*stop vomiting*
12:50pm	*wash taste out with a double shot of whiskey*
1:00pm	*exhausted, throw down a quart of Everclear. Sleep until 10am or until found by police*

8:00am	*Wake-up*
9:00am - 10:00:am	*hand stretches*
10am -11am	aerobic thumb-twiddling
11am-Noon	*Thumb-wrestle the cat*
Noon - 1pm	*eat lunch with chopsticks to save thumbfrom any unnecessary stress*
1pm - 8pm	*watch free movies*
8pm - 10pm	think of witty retorts to Ebert’s guaranteed stupid comments note: try to stay away from the old standby retorts: shut up fatso put a taco in it—if you don't have one in there already "no neck" makes you incorrect

8:00am	wake up screaming from nightmare
8:30am	conclude ½ hour of screaming and cursing Marylin Monroe’s name
	die
	un-die
	call-in to NBC to tell them I’m not dead yet
	die
	un-die
	recall the big party I threw when JFK was assassinated
	load my gun and die
	couldn’t find JFK or even RFK in Heaven—keep pistol close by and return to Earth
	die
	un-die